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Six Things You Need To Do About Chore Problems In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 11:00:50 +0000

We do not know anyone who loves to do chores. But they have to get done. And with most couples who come to us for help, chores seems to be part of the discussion. One feels like the other hardly ever helps, or does not keep their end of the delegated chores or spends too much time doing them instead of connecting with their spouse. Sometimes the issue is that the one doing the chores is being regularly criticized instead of appreciated for doing them.

“For each will have to bear his own load” Galations 6:5 ESV

If you are in a long-term committed relationship and you are arguing about chores, you are not alone. According to numerous reports, 1 in 5 couples have serious “dust ups” about chores in their marriage. And about two thirds of wives and more than half of husbands in one survey believe that they do many more chores than their spouse.

We have found that one of the common reasons for relationship struggles around chores is that expectations around chores are not communicated. If you are frequently having your expectations around chores blown, make sure that you have communicated your expectations to your spouse in a way that they understand what you are requesting.

Lisa and Dan were struggling so much in their marriage that they came in for a Marriage Intensive. Dan felt like Lisa did not love him anymore and that he really did not matter to her because she seemed to never show any affection or companionship to him. Lisa felt like Dan did not appreciate her duties as a mother and wife in managing the household. When Dan was home in the evenings she was busy with chores and when it was bed time she was fatigued from a busy day of child rearing and house cleaning.

As we began to discuss divvying up the chore list, Lisa interrupted with “I don’t believe in chore lists. I can get it all done.” We discussed how that was not working well in her life in her efforts to build the marriage she really wanted and encouraged her to try a new way for about 60-90 days with a chore chart. She agreed and their marriage continues to grow intentionally toward what they have always dreamed.

Although rare, we occasionally find couples who are stuck in the 1950s chore delegation system. They believe strongly that some chores are BLUE chores while others are PINK chores (Thanks Nate and Cassie Saffle for naming these). That is they believe men should do certain chores and women should do certain chores. The problem with that type of thinking is that no two spouses grew up in the same home. Our expectations about BLUE chores and PINK chores come from the homes where we were raised. So conflicts arise out of our expectations of the 1950’s chore delegation system.

After moving through most of the major family life cycle phases, we believe the most important thing you can do to reduce your frustrations around chores is to negotiate and renegotiate the chore chart. What works in one phase of the family cycle may not work in another phase. Having hard conversations periodically about chores will help prevent your marriage from ending up like Lisa and Dan’s.

Follow these steps to decrease arguments around chores in your marriage:

Schedule a time to discuss chores with your spouse.
Complete the Chore List Discussion Sheet and ask your spouse to do the same before the time you are scheduled to meet. Notice that some chores listed may not apply to you while other chores that are important to you are not listed. Use the blank spaces to list chores that are unique to your life.
Discover where you are in agreement.
Negotiate where you are not in agreement with the goal of trying out a new chore list for a maximum of ninety days. Each of you should commit to chores that you do not want to do in order to reach a fair compromise in the chore list. Remember that your goal is to build the marriage you both want so keep the long-term goal in mind every step.
Discuss expectations around individual chores, such as frequency and other expectations.
Schedule when you will meet again to review how things are going. Usually it is the length of the temporary commitments.

Let us know how it works for you. And if you have any ideas around chores that might help other couples, share them here so others can read!

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We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Wishing You A Happy Thanksgiving!

roylovesdev — Tue, 21 Nov 2017 11:00:16 +0000

From our family to yours! Happy Thanksgiving!

4 Most Important Moments In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 11:00:45 +0000

Four moments seems like such a short amount of time. Yet if you take advantage of the opportunities within these four moments, you will have the power to create the life together forever you have always wanted. Four moments out of every day are the most powerful to moving toward each other, instead of against or away from each other.

You improve your marriage by intentionally using the 4 most important relationship moments every day.

These four moments are powerful in and of themselves. They are affecting your marriage whether you are being intentional about them or not. You are probably not using them intentionally, which probably means they are being wasted, neglected or negatively impacting your marriage.

We challenge you to take advantage of the power within these four moments for one full week and watch what begins to happen in your spouse and within you… to strengthen a good marriage or repair a struggling marriage.

First Waking Moment. The first moment you are both awake has great power for how you greet the day. The choices you make in welcoming your spouse to a new day can send them into their day feeling positive and connected. We may not be able to control how we awaken, but we choose how we first connect with the one we are committed to doing life together forever with.
Last Moment Before Departing. Whether we are saying goodbye for a busy day as a stay-home spouse or a full day in the business world, how we send our spouse into their busy day can set them up for a day of positive feelings about our relationship and about us or a day of negative feelings about us.
First Moment Reuniting. No matter how crazy our day has been, the first moment we see our spouse after being apart for the day is powerful for brining our hearts closer together and reducing the stress of the day. Decide before you see your spouse how you will great them as your reunite in the home.
Last Waking Moment. How we say goodnight has a great power of our feeling as we prepare for a good night’s rest. Whatever the last moment is that both of you are awake at the same time is an opportunity to share your heart with each other.

If you are not in the practice of using these four moments intentionally, the first few attempts will seem strange and uncomfortable. Couples who use these four moments intentionally to improve their relationship have a high degree of marital success compared to couples who do not. And using these four moments intentionally does not require the consent of your spouse. You can take full use of these four moments unilaterally, without telling your spouse you are doing it, and they will significantly impact your marriage relationship.

Use these powerful four moments to connect. Share. Hug. Appreciate. Kiss. Praise. Touch. Bless. Embrace. Listen. Snuggle. Thank. Understand. Wish well. Desire. Laugh. Talk. Join together. Love!

Implement them for one full week and let us know how it worked out for you.

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Be Intentional and Create The Marriage You Want

roylovesdev — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 11:00:14 +0000

One of the most surprising findings of our work with thousands of couples over the years is that it only takes one spouse to change a marriage. One spouse can go outside of the marriage for something they have not created and developed in their marriage sabotaging any hope for their future together. One spouse can meet with a divorce industry attorney and file in courage. One spouse alone can end the marriage.

You have incredible power to create the change in your marriage you desire.

And one spouse can move their marriage from stuck to hopeful, from dysfunctional to healthy, from ungodly to what God always meant for us. Countless spouses who thought the end was near revived their marriage unilaterally. They began taking action to create the relationship they wanted without demanding their spouse change first.

You may ask, “how does that work?” or “can that really happen?” Not only can it happen, it does. Not only can it work, but it in the overwhelming number of cases we have witnessed it works well. According to the most in depth research on healthy marriages by John Gottman, Ph.D. with over 3,000 couples and three decades of observation, one of the most important determinants of whether a couple will make it or not is whether or not they are doing the things we will recommend in the next several posts.

And it is not a list of actions that you might think. There are no requirements to confront your spouse, install a tracking device, demand counseling services, have sex for 40 days in a row, pray more intently, or become a door mat to be walked upon. No, these are actions that when one spouse alone implements, their marriage and their spouse begins to change. The fire is rekindled and the flame is much hotter. Couples who have lost that loving feeling have found it again in a new way. And the negative pattern of interacting becomes broken. Couples begin to fall into like and love with each other again.

When you read these actions, you may think, “that is just common sense”. But if it were really common, you would already be doing them… and so would most other couples. But according to research, the couples who do them live life together forever while the couples who don’t begin living parallel lives, become lonely and eventually divorce.

Your intentional relationship building activity will be effective when you become laser focused on your heart’s desire for a lifelong marriage with your spouse.

You must commit to doing these things with or without response from your spouse. The “tit-for-tat” approach where you only do for your spouse after they have done for you will not work. If you do for your spouse and then wait to see if they do for you, you will likely not be successful in changing your marriage. It will require a considerable amount of time in order to change a long pattern of negativity. You must commit to engage in these actions with our without your spouse’s responsiveness.

You have incredible power to create the change in your marriage you desire. You do not have to tell your spouse to change. You do not have to “train” your spouse and change them (you really cannot change your spouse anyway). Your intentional relationship building activity will be effective when you become laser focused on your heart’s desire for a lifelong marriage with your spouse.

Follow this blog as we unveil specific intentional marriage activities over the next several posts that one spouse can unilaterally take that will change your marriage relationship for good.

What do you have to say?

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Five Scary Spouses

roylovesdev — Tue, 31 Oct 2017 11:00:41 +0000

It’s that time of year again when our doorbell rings and children of all ages hold out a bag asking for “trick or treats”. Television sets are filled with “spooky” movies and “haunted” houses. Stores are packed with cases and cases of candy.

Over the years working with thousands of couples in our Life Together Forever Retreats and our Marriage Intensives, we have witness some of the most challenging spouses. So here is out list of the scariest spouses in marriages today.

The Five Scariest Spouses

Dictator/Tyrant – This spouse makes all the decisions. Everything seems to have a “my way or the highway” undertone to it. Over 80% of marriages where one spouse makes most of the decisions ends in divorce. This spouse can easily make their marriage dangerous.
Judge, Jury and Executioner – This spouse could also be called the Ready, Fire, Aim spouse. They read the situation before ever having any conversation. They unilaterally determine motive. And before gathering information, they act on their (usually errant) belief about the situation which causes a perpetuation of the problems. When the other spouse shares their side of the story, this spouse refuses to accept it outright.
Chronic Blamer – This spouse has almost never done anything wrong. They have a hard time accepting responsibility for anything. When an issue is to brought to their attention, the counter attack can be huge and damaging. This spouse is never willing to work on themselves or try to become a better person because all of the relationship problems are the other spouse’s problem.
Door Mat – This spouse never disagrees and stuffs every negative thought about their spouse and every negative feeling about their spouse’s actions and words. This spouse seems to be easy to get along with yielding at every turn. Over time, the negative feelings and thoughts become like a giant beach ball that is impossible to keep down under the water. At some point it all explodes usually causing great pain to their life and the lives of those they love the most.
Myopic Wanderer – This spouse has eyes only for their world. It is as if they are going through life with blinders on. They only see their world as it impacts them. They are fully unaware of their spouse’s needs, hopes, goals and desires. Their self focused actions cause trust issue in every part of the relationship. The other spouse is lonely, unheard, unappreciated and tired. The other spouse usually feels like they have a child to raise instead of a spouse.

Get The Help You Need

If you find yourself on the list, either as one of the scariest or married to one of the scariest, we pray that you will get the help you need. We always recommend that you find competent Christian professionals to help. Talk to your Pastor. Call and set up an appointment with a Christian counselor or coach. Meet with a veteran marriage couple about how they make it work. Invest in your marriage before it is too late. If we can help you, contact us at 281-949-8115.

‘Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ Ephesians 5:21 (NiV)

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Getting Through Tough Times Together

roylovesdev — Fri, 27 Oct 2017 11:00:33 +0000

Life is stressful. It is full of everyday little stressors and huge unexpected once-in-a-lifetime stressors. It has wonderfully exciting and “I can’t believe it” joy-filled stressors as well as little joys that also bring about unintended stressors. As long as we are living, we will experience stress.

According to the American Institute of Stress,

the annual costs to employers of stress related healthcare and missed wore was measured at $300 Billion in 2014.
77% of Americans regularly experience physical symptoms caused by stress.
73% of Americans regularly experience psychological symptoms caused by stress.
76% of Americans cited work as the leading cause of their stress.
54% of Americans reported stress has caused them to fight with people close to them.
48% of Americans reported lying awake at night due to stress.

Relationships Buffer Stress

Whether you are experiencing acute stress, chronic stress, distress or (happy) eustress, your relationship will make a huge difference in how you manage and adapt to the stress. There is a body or research that scientists have been studying since the mid 1980s that clearly shows relationships one of the most, if not the most, effective buffer to stress.

Three Ways Of Handling The Stress of Life

Let It Divide You – As you experience stressors of life, you can allow the challenge to turn you against each other. You can begin to see your spouse as the cause of the stress and blame your spouse. You can focus on your spouse as being the source of all of the negative affects of stress.
Let It Isolate You – As you experience stressors of life, you can move away from your spouse. You can allow it to be a secret that you keep from your spouse. You can expect that you spouse will not be supportive and not tell them. Or you can avoid your spouse and whatever it going on with them because you feel like you have enough stress of your own.
Tackle It Together – As you experience stressors of life, you can move toward your spouse. You can share the stress in your life and how it is affecting you with your spouse. You can move toward your spouse with comfort and a shared heart to help your spouse open up about their stress. You can work with each other to get through, whatever life throws at you, together.

What do you have to say?

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Are You A Marriage Fan?

roylovesdev — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 11:00:58 +0000

We have dear friends who are lifelong Dallas Cowboy fans. In good times and bad, they watch every game religiously. They spend hundreds of dollars on Dallas Cowboy branded merchandise, home décor, and clothing. One of the first outfits their children wore as newborns was a Dallas Cowboy onesie. Their cars have Cowboys bumper stickers. Their work areas and home has Cowboys décor. Everyone knows that they are Cowboys fans. They are definitely Dallas Cowboy fanatics.

According to Merriam –Webster Dictionary, the word fan is “probably short for fanatic” and first appeared in 1682. A fan is “an enthusiastic devotee” and “an ardent admirer or enthusiast.”

“Marriage should be honored by all.” Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)

We are amazed at what research is telling us about our current culture’s view of marriage. About 35% of first time marriages fail. Over 50% of second time marriages end in divorce and fewer than 35% of third time marriages actually make it. It is as if we were built to have one lifelong love and we give it our all. But if it does not work out, we hold back our heart on the second one, afraid to get hurt again. That holding back makes our marriage less sticky.

Marriage is kind of like duct tape. When you first tear of a piece and stick it, it is difficult to remove. Each time you peel it off and attempt to stick it again, it looses its stickiness. Our marriages loose their “sticky” factor each time we tear it off and attempt it again.

What is more alarming than that is the research that shows fewer and fewer people are choosing marriage. The trend under 35 years of age shows that more and more couples are what we call “playing married”. Over 80% of co-habitations do not end in marriage. That means that by the time those who choose to play married attempt marriage, they will have already lost their stickiness in a few prior attempts.

Marriage needs more fans. People who are married are more satisfied with life and report higher levels of well-being or happiness than their non-married counterparts. Married couples enjoy several advantages over non-married folks:

Better Health
Longer Life Span
More Wealth
Greater Sexual Satisfaction
Less Depression and Addictions

And children who live in a home with both mom and dad are significantly less likely to experience:

Infant Mortality
Obesity
Poverty
Abuse/Neglect
Delinquency
Drop Out
Addition as Teen
Pregnancy as Teen
Prison as Adult

Marriage needs more fans. Fans who talk about what is good about their marriage to others. Fans who champion marriages, like our Cowboys friends, in good times and in bad times. Fans who are ardent admirers of marriages that are strong and long. Fans who are enthusiasts- studying, talking about, and supporting marriage.

If you are a fan of marriage, you will also be a fan of your spouse. You will be a fan who champions your spouse in good times and bad. You will be your spouse’s biggest enthusiast. You will be an ardent admirer of who they are. Everyone you know will know how much you love your spouse. They will know by the way you dress, how you talk about your spouse, what your work-space looks like, what your vehicle looks like, etc. You will defend your spouse to anyone who speaks anything but praise about them.

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Where Are You In The Relationship Cycle?

roylovesdev — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 06:04:04 +0000

We change over time and so does our marriage relationship. Our relationships go through cycles of moving closer to each other and seemingly growing more distant.

The relationship cycle is normal. It is how God built us. Neuroscientists tell us that our brain experiences a dump of neurochemicals when we begin to fall in love. The next 18 to 24 months as our relationship continues, we experience that loving feeling that is due to the “chemical cocktail of love”. But at some point in the first two years of our relationship, our brains chemical system automatically resets.

“You have made my heart beat faster… with a single glance of your eyes…How beautiful is your love… How much better is your love than wine…’ Song of Solomon 4:9-10 edited (NASV)

When the brain resets its chemicals to “normal”, many people believe they have fallen out of love. They wonder if they made a mistake and the whether the person they are with is really their soul mate. In fact, you may know someone who seems to fall in and out of love every couple of years.

When the brain resets its chemicals to “normal”, too many spouses seem to notice someone else in their life. That other person begins to become the object of their affection and they begin to rationalize that they are really in love with someone else. If they have married, their relationship becomes another victim of the divorce industry.

The Relationship Cycle

There are four phases to the relationship cycle. We change over time and so does our marriage. In a life together forever marriage, these changes take place again and again during your time together. They are what makes marriage interesting, challenging, painful and fun. They are normal for every relationship.

Honeymoon/Commitment Phase – As you begin to get to know each other better, you feel like everything is wonderful and close. You enjoy each other. You want to be together. It sometimes hurts when you are away from each other for any extended number of hours or days. Goal: Enjoy it!
Accommodating/Censoring Phase – As you discover more about your spouse, you begin to notice your differences more. You find more to disagree about, but you usually do not talk about it. You often censor, or hold back your thoughts, afraid you will hurt your spouse or mess up the relationship. Goal: Figure out how to be two individuals in a marriage together.
Assessment Phase – You each spend more time doing things separately. You need time, space, friends, and rewards apart from each other. Your loving feeling is gone and you do not feel very connected emotionally or physically. You wonder how it is that you saw your spouse as so positive early in your relationship and negatives out way the positives. Other people and relationships in your life seem better than your spouse and yours. This stage leads to either a decision to leave the relationship (in some way) or to recommit to making the marriage better. Goal: Make your spouse the object of your affection and do the things that made you two fall in love in the first place.
Recommitment Phase – You have worked out how to be an individual within an interdependent relationship. You have made a recommitment to the marriage and your spouse and are doing the things, like dating, that you did when you first fell in love. Goal: Become the best spouse you can be. Intentionally do the things that help you discover each other again.

Making Your Marriage Stronger

Falling in love is easy. It is staying in love that is difficult. If you find that you are in the Assessment Phase and have lost that loving feeling, consider the following:

Pray! Pray for your spouse. Pray together! One recent study found couples who pray together regularly have a divorce rate of less than 1%.
Review Your Relationship Highlights! What are the most positive things that have happened in your relationship? Use pictures or video when you can. Share the list with your spouse!
Review Your Relationship Highlights! What are the most positive things that have happened in your relationship? Use pictures or video when you can. Share the list with your spouse!
Listen! When choosing between when to speak or listen, choose to listen. Good listening means pushing back your own agenda for the sake of the relationship.
Kiss! Spend at least 10 solid seconds kissing every day.
Prioritize your partner – before work, friends, sports/hobbies. Treat your spouse as if they are the best thing that ever happened to you… because it’s probably true!
Assume the best! It usually was not done on purpose to you. When you try to interpret your spouse’s reason for behavior, start by assuming they didn’t do it on purpose. Do not assume the worst. Be curious not investigative in questions about it.
Flirt with your spouse! Dust off those flirtation skills and use them on the one you’ve committed to living your life with. You never know where it will lead you!
No Secrets! Stay open about how you spend your time, energy and money. Don’t let anyone or anything between you.
Do Chores. Do your spouse’s household chores for a day each month! It will make you more grateful and the relief of duties might make your spouse more amorous!
Choose Your Battles Fight Fair. Show some class. Hurtful words are frequently forgiven but hard to forget.
Connect daily. Do you have a scheduled time to catch up with each other every day? Talking regularly about life can help you achieve a stronger bond in your relationship!
Date at least twice a month! When is the last time you went on a date? Even a free or cheap event can revive relationships. Take turns planning and asking each other out for a date. Plan a date today!
Move! Not your address, but your body. Get active together! Walk, job, bike, dance, hike, swim, skate, golf, garden, bird watch, people watch, volunteer, move together!
Change the focus of change to the person in the mirror. If you want a better marriage, begin with being the best you that you can possibly be. Continue to grow, learn and improve.
Invest in your relationship. Couples who attend marriage workshops or retreats and read relationship books are more than 80% less likely to divorce.

Putting these resolutions into action in your relationship will improve your happiness, health and financial well being. Doing a little every day to strengthen your connection has a huge impact.

What do you have to say?

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Politics And Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 11:00:55 +0000

We rarely speak to political issues on this blog, but there is no doubt the political tension is high and we have witnessed an uptick in political issues affecting marriages in many of our recent Marriage Intensives. Every newscast, social media feed and magazine has a reference to an issue or a politician.

For some, political discourse is a spectator sport. We watch it as if watching our favorite sport contests. Others enjoy the voyeurism of it all. We watch to see the implosions and scandals. Some of us do not care one bit and we hardly ever watch news anymore.

Then there is the political junkie. We listen to talk radio all day and binge watch news supporting our political views and vilifying our foes. We buy the merchandise, go to meetings, give and raise money, and champion the cause of our issues.

‘Listen, don’t get trapped in brainless debates; avoid competition over family trees or pedigrees; stay away from fights and disagreements over the law. They are a waste of your time.’ Titus 3:9 (VOICE)

How Political Issues Can Hurt Your Marriage

In this political climate, some marriages will be negatively affected. Here are some of the things that you can do to damage your marriage during this political season.

Convince spouse your candidate/cause is best. Arguing with your spouse in order to convince them to vote your way denies their right to their own thoughts, feelings, assumptions and behaviors.
Keep angry toward the other side. When you fill your head full of your brand of politic’s propaganda and talk radio’s inflammation of the issues, your anger will keep you from being fully present and emotionally available for people you love. Sometimes your anger about the issues will be misdirected toward them.
Stay up late watching political commentary. Not falling asleep together and not sleeping in the same bed together diminishes some of the health benefits of long lasting marriages. Sleeping together (instead of alone) has great mental and physical advantages.
Pay more attention to politics than to your spouse. Some spouses may feel like they are competing with your candidate and your cause.
Make financial contributions without discussion. Giving unilaterally to your cause or candidate without having a discussion about how the two of you will spend money this political season creates mistrust.
Put your spouse down for political views. Making condescending and inconsiderate statements about your spouse’s political views puts distance between the two of you.
Unilaterally place political marketing products on property. If you and your spouse are not on the same page, placing bumper stickers on vehicles and banners or signs in the front lawn can lead to resentment in your spouse.
Require spouse’s attendance at events. Unless you are on the same page, demanding your spouse attend a fundraising dinner or volunteering for your cause will create dissonance between you.
Watch and listen to politics as much as possible. Instead of being with your spouse doing something together, spending almost all your time watching politics away from your family creates great distance between you two.
Get into social media debates with those you disagree with. Arguing online with someone tells a good deal about your character. Every one of your and their online contacts can see the argument. What you say and how you say it has implications for your spouse’s reputation. It can alienate you from your contacts and your spouse.

Surviving this Political Season

If you are like us, your commitment to your marriage is lifelong. You made a vow to love your spouse “until death do us part.” The political season is really a small part of a lifelong marriage. Here are some tips for surviving this season in a way that maintains what really matters beyond this political season.

Pray together. You believe strongly in your political views because you love your country. Spend time to talk to the one in control of everything about the issues close to your heart. Take turns praying together about our country and its leaders.
Give spouse room for their own political views. Love your spouse while letting them believe what they think about what is best for this country. Protect their right to their opinion if your friends or others attack.
Turn away from politics and toward your spouse daily. Set aside time every day where all you are thinking about is your spouse. Remove yourself from the political environment to focus on your spouse. Turn your television and other devices off or away from politics and enjoy your spouse.
Become present before entering your home. Take a few moments as you exit your vehicle and mentally leave any anger or negative feelings about the day’s politics outside the door. When you enter the house, enter with excitement to reconnect with your spouse. If you cannot shake the negative feelings, try listening to something other than political talk radio for a few days and watch your mood improve.
Have a hard conversation about any problems that arise. If you find that you and your spouse are struggling during this political season, have the courage to have the hard conversations that you need to have. Here are the courageous conversation rules.

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5 Questions You Need To Ask Your Spouse

roylovesdev — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 11:00:44 +0000

James and Sara came to a Marriage Intensive after thirteen years of marriage. She felt like she did not have a voice anymore in the marriage and that he would not listen to her. He felt like she did not put any effort into the relationship and would rather spend time with her friends than with him.

Near the end of the first hour, it was obvious what had happened. As soon as they married, they stopped doing the things that made them fall in love in the first place. No more dates. No more long conversations discovering each other. No more checking in with each other about what is going on in their worlds.

Over time, in the absence of emotional connection, they began to shut down. Not doing the things that connects your hearts leads to a barrenness and absence of warmth. Lack of heart connection is the foundation for negative interaction. The longer the lack of connection, the more frequent and intense the pattern of negative interaction.

We believe that almost every broken trust in a marriage can be traced back to a pattern of negative interaction that started with disconnection of the heart.

Five Questions That Will Connect Your Hearts

We encouraged James and Sara to begin asking each other these five questions every day.

How are you really doing?

What are you worried about?

What can I do to help you this week?

What can I pray for you this week?

What are you excited about?

Why These Questions Connect Hearts

Daily Connection – These questions provide an opportunity to talk about something other than your last argument, or home logistics, or the budget, etc.
We-ness – With these questions you have an opportunity to build what we call “we-ness”. By listening to what your spouse is sharing, you are helping them feel like it is you two against the world.
Openness – As each of you share the answers to these questions, you will open up your heart to reveal what is going on inside. That revelation and vulnerability is like a magnet, attracting your spouse to you.
Increases Loving Feeling – Openness and sharing increases emotional connectedness or intimacy which leads to more physical touch, affection, desire to be with each other, and sexual attraction toward each other.

‘Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.’ Proverbs 4:23 (Message)

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?