Things were dark in their home. He told us that she seems to not care about how the home looks, how their two young children are parented, what their finances are, and has little to no concern about their relationship. “Every time we get help, she does better for a little while and then slips right back into the same old pattern of doing nothing.”

Common Reasons For Separation

• Lost That Loving Feeling – Usually the spouse who claims this reason in some way wants to feel the relational high they felt when they first began the relationship.  Passion and love is missing in the relationship.
• Third Party – There is someone new in their life that they are having an emotional or sexual affair with and they have begun thinking they married the wrong person and would be better off in this new relationship.
• Peace – The relationship has become so acrimonious that no one can bring up any issues to the other without an emotionally draining argument. There are few, if any conversations that are not negative.
• Abuse – The relationship has become abusive financially, physically, emotionally, etc. One spouse is dominating the relationship in such a way that it has or is becoming a dangerous relationship.
• Medical Issues – One spouse can no longer tolerate the addiction or mental illness of the other spouse who is unwilling to get the help they need to be healthy again.
• Tired of Trying – The promises of the other spouse are always short lived and they are tired of waiting for their spouse to change and tired of being the one responsible for the relationship.
• Find Myself – One spouse is in a type of midlife crisis of some sort and are unhappy with who they are and blaming the other spouse for what they do not like about themselves. They want to discover who they truly are and believe they can do that best without the relationship.

Should We Separate?

It is our experience that it is always best (except for when the relationship has become dangerous) to stay in the same roof, and if possible, in the same bed. With the help of a minister, Christian Counselor or Coach, rules of engagement can be developed that allow for some normalcy in the routines of any children involved and both spouses.

Except in cases where the relationship has become dangerous, couples should stay in the same home, and in the same bed if possible, for the following reasons:

• Affair Triggering – When a couple is separated, the spouses are more likely to seek the comfort and companionship of another. If it is because of an emotional affair, it usually leads to a physical affair. If it is because of a physical affair, it usually increases the cheating spouse’s activities.
• Costly – Two households are more expensive than one. Most couples in messy marriages already have the symptom of financial woes. Separation makes it worse.
• Disruption to Children – Children need structure and routine. Separation disrupts both and frequently causes children to begin to perform more poorly in school, act out or withdraw socially, and wonder about how much they are loved or valued.
• Confusing Goals – If there is disharmony in the relationship that is not dangerous, separation may bring relief and temporary peace.   A spouse is more likely to forget how much they want a loving relationship and be temporarily happy with getting relief from the struggle in the relationship.
• Does Not Work – Sometimes a betrayed spouse believes that banishing their cheating spouse will punish and hurt them in some way. They think absence away from the family will be as painful as the pain they are experiencing because of the betrayal. The separation rarely causes the cheating spouse pain and in fact is the best opportunity for more betrayal.

Aside from dangerous relationships, separation is never the best option for achieving the healthy marriage relationship you want.

Instead of separation, we recommend you consider a Marriage Intensive. A couple spending the day together working on the wounds in the core of the relationship will determine if there is a way forward together and what the path forward should be. Working on your marriage with a trained minister, Christian Coach, or Counselor will be better than trying to do it on your own.

Traditional marriage counseling rarely works in these situations. That is why we recommend without reservation the Marriage Intensive.  Ronald and Linda came to one and it saved their marriage.  Four years later, Ronald believes that if they would have separated, it would have led to a divorce.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

In 2017, we will be taking a break from writing.  In the meantime, feel free to search through the extensive list of topics available to help you have the marriage you truly want.

God bless you with a Happy New Year and a 2017 filled with love, peace and joy!

Being a father is an important role too. It is not that we think being a father is a breeze, in fact, there are a growing number of single father families who seem to have super powers. There are after all at least 2 things mothers can do than no father will ever do: give birth and breast feed. But we are highlighting that being a mother is unique challenge and that because husbands are NOT moms, we want to share the breaks that every mother wishes their husband would give her.

1. A break from being all put together. Especially when children are from birth to about five or six years old, every cell within mom is focused on being mom. An endless amount of un-recharged energy supply is required. Expect no make-up, sweat/yoga pants, and old tee shirts to be common. See the girl you married through the un-kept-ness that is required to survive giving your child everything they ever needed from a mother.
2. A break from seeming totally sane. We are not saying that moms are crazy. We are saying that sometimes when you encounter the mother of your children, what they share about their day or how they are feeling about what happened in their day, or something that they want or need from you, they may not make sense. You may wonder if your wife has lost her mind. The female body’s hormonal system takes some time to adjust after having a child. The sleep deprivation, repetitive children’s songs and tunes, and loud seemingly unending infant crying probably works the same as the interrogation techniques of the CIA in the early years of the war on terror.   Extend grace and patience to what she is saying and how she is saying. Meet her with compassion and understanding.
3. A break from being amorous. According to the research, the first 18 to 24 months after baby is born is a time of significantly reduced libido for moms. Everything, even biologically, is focused on baby.  Since she is not thinking about her sexual needs she does not have your sexual needs on her mind either. She may reach out to you for affection, but don’t think that means that she is becoming aroused. So don’t take it personally. She still loves you, thinks you are cute (sometimes even sexy), and doesn’t have feelings for someone else. She just doesn’t have those feelings for while. Communicate about your sexual needs in a respectful and honest way while respecting that it may seem like a chore at times for her during this period in your relationship. Her loving feeling will return over time.
4. A break from being mom. Before motherhood, she was in individual with a personality and favorite tastes in entertainment, cuisine and fashion. Since becoming a mom, all of her has been wrapped up into motherhood. And as the months roll on, she feels less and less herself. She begins to wonder what she really likes anymore as a person as she becomes less connected with the “grown up” world. There are days when all she wants to do is to have a short break to step out of being mom and step back into the self she has always been. When you get home from a tiring day at work and she says, “I need a break”, what she means is that she wants some time to reconnect with the other parts of herself. So give her the break she needs and enjoy being with the child or children you two created.   She might go shopping, workout, sit and read a book, or something else, but what she will be doing is reminding herself of her other parts that have been squashed out as a mom.

If husbands will give the mother of their children these breaks, we believe it will make her an even better mom. And it will draw her closer to you and strengthen your relationship.

What breaks do think every mother needs from their husbands? Moms, what works for you? Dads, what do you think of these break ideas for the mother of your child?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2016. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Larry and Shandra had been married for fourteen years. Seven of those years they had parented their only son, who was diagnosed with autism early in life.

Larry described a life of full time caregiving. The only break he got was when his wife would tag in. As she gave her required full attention to her son, he was lonely. He was miserable in his marriage and wanted to have his wife back.   He couldn’t see a way forward.

Starving for Reconnection.

Larry and Shandra’s situation was drastic, however, in our Life Together Forever Weekends and our Marriage Intensives, we meet couples who are similarly starving to reconnect. Is your marriage starving for reconnection:

• Do you find yourself only “two ships passing in the night” as one moves from work to home while the other is moving from home to work?
• Are your interactions with your spouse primarily about home logistics, chores, transportation, schedules, and other obligations?
• Do you feel lonely in your marriage?
• Are you occasionally wishing you could go back to the way it was early in the relationship?
• Do you find that you drink or eat a lot more than ever before and that you do it most when you are feeling impacted by your relationship?
• Are you occasionally wondering what it would be like if you had married someone else?
• Do you spend time and energy engaging in “fantasy” relationships?

It’s Time For Couples Time

We recommended that Larry and Shandra find a relative or hire a professional with skills to care for their son and build regular couples time into their lives. We also recommended a couples vacation with their son being cared for by a respite organization.

Here are a few of our recommendations to build in couples time.

• Spend 10-20 minutes in the Daily Check In with each other.
• Spend a few minutes every day in prayer together.
• Spend a couple of hours every week or two in a Date Night not talking about any relationship or home management issues.
• Spend a day trip or weekend trip together every couple of months.
• Take a couples vacation together every year.

Within the next month, Larry and Shandra went on a couples vacation together. They spent the first day or so recovering their energy, sleeping and vegging on movies. When they returned, Larry reported that their couple’s vacation “saved their marriage.”

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers.  Do you think you need more time together as a couple?  What of the suggestions are you interested in trying?  What is working for you and your spouse in creating couples time together?  Have you ever been on a couple’s vacation?  What would you add to our suggestions?  Do you know someone who you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2016. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

No one would continue to date someone who was physically or sexually violent toward them on their first date. What happens is that the cycle of violence and control begins small and escalates over time. What is initially a raging screaming blow up over time develops into pushing and slapping and too often  grows into visits to the emergency room or worst, the morgue.

Catching the dangerous relationship at the early stages can prevent the horrible heart breaking tragedies later. Here’s what to look for:

• Telling you want to wear or not to wear, how to wear your hair, make up, etc. or to change your weight or appearance. Talking to others or on social media about how you look, making unflattering comments.
• Telling you who your friends should be and who you can hang out with. Determining your social media contacts and posts. Determining when and how you can interact with your family members.
• Extreme jealousy forbidding you to talk to almost anyone of the opposite sex.
• Determining how much money you have to spend and what you should or should not buy or possess. Taking your possessions as their own, such as driving your vehicle, and keeping your phone or other possessions.
• Blames you or others for their actions, problems and feelings instead of taking responsibility for them.
• Threats to harm themselves, you, your family, friends or children.
• Any type of violence or threats of violence. Humiliating and hurtful names, comments. Slaps, pinches, pushes, hits, holds you down or blocks you leaving. Harms animals or children. History of abusing former partner(s).
• Demands of sex or affection. Coercion of sex or affection. Non consensual sexual activities of any sort.

What should you do if you notice that you or someone you know is in a dangerous relationship?

• It is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is never your fault. There is something broken and wounded inside your partner who is creating a relationship cycle that is destroying who you are at your core.
• Get help immediately. Talk to another trusted person in your life, minister, Christian coach or counselor. Let someone outside of the relationship know.
• If you are not married, we encourage you to end the relationship. If they are not violent, let them know that if they are willing to get some professional help you may be interested in dating them again in the future. If they are violent in any way, including sexually, you need to end the relationship for good.
• If you are married, we encourage you to make yourself and your children safe. If they are not violent, run (don’t walk) to get some professional help for yourself and your spouse. Find a minister, Christian coach or counselor that you trust and get some help.
• If you are married and there are signs of violence of any kind, create a safety zone by working with close friends or family members in your life (or a local women’s shelter) to separate from the dangerous spouse until they are able to get the help they need to end this behavior. You will also need to seek help for yourself.

The most dangerous time in a dangerous relationship is when you are leaving. Please read these professional tips from domestic violence experts before you attempt to leave.

Some unhealthy relationships with these signs do not have to end. We have personally helped couples who are both committed to the marriage move from signs of a dangerous relationship into a healthy relationship. It takes hard work by both partners. It is hard for the abused to build strength and set firm boundaries and for the abusive partner to accept full responsibility for all of their behaviors and uncover the deep wound that continues to drive their controlling behavior. But through God’s help it can be done.

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2015. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Learn more about how to make your holidays memorable here!

Fear has so much power. When it is around, we usually get stuck. We become paralyzed and fail to act. We stop and hide. We run away from the issue as fast as we can. Fear debilitates us and moves us away from each other instead of toward each other.

Many times what couples fear is that if they bring up the issue, it will hurt or ruin their marriage. A spouse is afraid that if she brings up her lack of sexual satisfaction her spouse is call her names and think bad of her.  Another spouse is afraid that if he brings up the issue of their finances, she will see him as incapable of providing for his family. Yet another spouse is afraid to say anything about how the other is parenting because last time they said something, it ended in weeks of stonewalling and criticism.

We’ve shared this story about how lions hunt gazelles in over a hundred couples weekends and I hope you do not mind us sharing it here again.

I’m told that gazelles are graceful and fast. As pack animals, they stay together in the heard and eat in meadows where they can keep track of any potential threats. Their speed and agility is admired and respected by their nemesis, the lions. Lions know that they are not as agile and fast. As pack animals, they usually hunt with all the females of the pride. The older female lions lie in the tall grass in the vicinity of the herd of gazelles. The younger, faster female lions work their way around to the other side of the herd. When the signal is given, the younger lions take off toward the gazelle herd with the intention of separating out a few from the rest of the herd. As they get separated from the herd, the smaller number of gazelles are pushed by the younger lions toward the tall grass. As they enter the tall grass, the older female lions simultaneously let out their loudest roar. Fearing the sound of the old female lion’s roars, the gazelle jump back away from the tall grass into the waiting jaws of the younger female lions.

Unfortunately, most distressed marriages are like the gazelles. They do not have the hard conversations because the thing they fear the most- the destruction of their marriage, might happen. In not having the crucial conversation, the very thing they fear is actually happening. Not having the crucial conversation begins to destroy the person holding back and gets in the way of moving toward each other.

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

Instead of letting fear win, we need to move forward with courage to have the crucial conversation we most dread. We often ask couples, “Is your marriage worth having a crucial conversation?” By not have the conversation, they may actual end up hurting and ending the marriage.

Check out next week’s blog for the beginning of a 3 part series on how to have the marriage saving conversation you are afraid to have.

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2014. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.