How Passionate Is Your Marriage?

The best sex you will ever have is in a long term marriage relationship!

Over sixty years of research consistently states that marriage is where the hot bed of sex is. Married couples have sex more frequently and with broader variety of sexual experiences than singles or cohabitating couples.

Sex is good. What makes marriage different is the long term, life long, nature within which sex takes place. Married couples are consistently more satisfied with their sex life than those who are not married. But passion, that feeling of desire and attraction toward your spouse, comes and goes.

We have written previously about the importance of three-legged table upon which your marriage sits.  Passion, Connection, and Commitment are each just as essential as the other. One of the critical ingredients to having the marriage you have always wanted is Passion.

The Passionate Love Assessment

Dr.’s Elaine Hatfield and Susan Sprecher of University of Hawaii’s Society for the Scientific Study of Sex extensively studied how to measure passionate love in relationships. Here is a scale they developed as a part of their research that may be helpful to assess passion in your marriage.

Rate each statement with a number between 1 and 9. 1 means that it is not true at all and 9 means that it is definitely true for you.

  1. Since I’ve been involved with my spouse, my emotions have been on a rollercoaster.
  2. I would feel deep despair if my spouse left me.
  3. Sometimes my body trembles with excitement at the sight of my spouse.
  4. I take delight in studying the movements and angles of my spouse’s body.
  5. Sometimes I feel I can’t control my thoughts; they are obsessively on my spouse.
  6. I feel happy when I am doing something to make my spouse happy.
  7. I would rather be with my spouse than anyone else.
  8. I’d get jealous if I thought my spouse were falling in love with someone else.
  9. No one else could love my spouse like I do.
  10. I yearn to know all about my spouse.
  11. I want my spouse – physically, emotionally and mentall.
  12. I will love my spouse forever.
  13. I melt when looking deeply into my spouse’s eyes.
  14. I have an endless appetite for affection from my spouse.
  15. For me, my spouse is the perfect romantic partner.
  16. My spouse is the person who can make me feel the happiest.
  17. I sense my body responding when my spouse touches me.
  18. I fee tender toward my spouse.
  19. My spouse always seems to be on my mind.
  20. If I were separated from my spouse for a long time, I would feel intensely lonely.
  21. I sometimes find it difficult to concentrate on work because thoughts about my spouse occupy my mind.
  22. I want my spouse to know me – my thoughts, my fears, my hopes.
  23. Knowing that my spouse cares about me makes me feel complete.
  24. I eagerly look for signs indicating my spouse’s desire for me.
  25. If my spouse were going through a difficult time, I would put away my own concerns to help them out.
  26. My spouse can make me feel effervescent and bubbly.
  27. In the presence of my spouse, I yearn to touch and to be touched.
  28. An existence without my spouse would be dark and dismal.
  29. I possess a powerful attraction for my spouse.
  30. I get extremely depressed when things don’t go right in my relationship.

If you scored below 200 that means that you have opportunities for growth in developing passion in your marriage.

Why You Are Not Experiencing Passionate Love

It turns out that our desire for sex with our partner is truly “in the eye of the beholder”. You, not your spouse, impact your sexual attraction toward your spouse. Here are some common reasons why a spouse might not have high passion.

  • Biological Issues – Our body’s sexual rhythm goes up and down. When we experience changes due to aging, stress, etc. our desire for sex is impacted. Medical issues impact our passionate feelings. If you have noticed a change in your passion, you may want to check out what is going on with you physically with a medical professional.
  • Withholding Issues – Sometimes we find ourselves withholding for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you are angry they have hurt you in some way. You pass on opportunities and your passion toward your spouse gets stuck in a low position.
  • Relationship Issues – You have lost that loving feeling because you stopped doing the things that had you falling in love with your spouse in the first place.
  • Not Making Your Spouse The Exclusive Object Of Your Desire – You are looking at others in a sexual way. You fantasize about others through porn or day dreaming.
  • You Do Not Feel Safe – If you are not sure about your spouse’s commitment to you or about their fidelity, or if you are in a dangerous relationship, you may be blocked from turning your passion toward them back on.

Turn Your Passion Back On Again

If you do the things that create passion, you can turn your sexual desires toward your spouse back on again. And this time, it will likely lead to the most exciting and sexually satisfying in your relationship history.

Remember, you are the one who has the most power in changing the level of passion you are feeling toward your spouse. Do these things and you will ignite the flames of passion again in your marriage.

  • Make Your Spouse the Sole Object Of Your Affection – Forsake all others, in reality and in fantasy. Stop watching porn, gazing at others, fantasizing about past loves.
  • Have A Courageous Conversation – Work on making your relationship better by having a the courageous conversations about key issues in your marriage that you have been avoiding.
  • Have The Sex Talk Annually – Set aside a time for the both of you to meet exclusively and have a talk about sex that provides you both with understanding of your current level of desires in both frequency and variety of sex.
  • Do What You Did When You First Started Dating – Intentionally fall back in love by spending time together in activities, check in with each other daily, date regularly, and reignite that loving feeling again.
  • Get Help If You Need It – Talk to a Pastor or Christian Counselor or Christian Coach. See a physician to check out any physical issues. Get help.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers.  Were you surprised at the state of passion in your marriage?  What are some of the other causes of loss of passion in marriage? What recommendations would you add to strengthen passion?  Do you know someone who you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at © Roy and Devra Wooten 2016. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at [email protected].



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