Cindy was sitting on the other side of the couch with tears running down her face. “When I told my best friend Lisa about my unhappy marriage, she told me I should look into what it would cost for a divorce and handed me a phone number of the attorney she used.”
“All I wanted was for Lisa to give me some support.” Cindy made that call to the attorney’s office who’s sales focused incoming calls receptionist talked her into a face to face, no obligation, free meeting with them to learn more about it. During the appointment, the divorce attorney’s staff focused on the problems in the marriage and encouraged her to proceed with signing them as her representation just in case things ever proceeded.
Father absence is at epidemic status in the United States today. Yet, science has been unable to produce a single child without one. In fact, 100% of children have a father. Some are deceased, incarcerated, pushed away or errantly absent, but everyone has a father… it’s the only way children are made.
For decades, research focused on why mothers are central to children. It is a no-brainer that moms play a critical role in parenting and child development. Sometimes single moms tell us that they are “the mother and the father.” They may be doing double duty, but mom cannot replace dad. In the past few decades research has revealed that “father need” is as central to children as “mother need.”
Heather and Joe showed up for their scheduled Marriage Intensive almost and hour late. Heather was tired before we started the first process. She had been up since 5 AM when her 18 month old couldn’t sleep any longer. It took longer than expected to get three young children to her parents for the day. She was operating on fumes.
Stuck In A Pattern Of Interacting
Like every one of the three hundred plus couples we have taken through the Marriage Intensive, Heather and Joe were stuck in a negative pattern of interaction. Joe felt like he was not important or valued in the marriage as he experienced her unavailability for conversation, time together, affection, and physical intimacy.
Heather felt like she was not enough as a woman and not good enough as a wife and mother as she experienced any un-affirming remark he made as criticism of anything that she had done to take care of their young children and the domestic chores of the home.
As a society we are failing at relationships!
As a society, there is no other conclusion to make. Relationships as a whole in America are unhealthy and unsuccessful. According to the data, the divorce rate has plateaued at 50%. That is somewhat deceiving because around 70% of first time marriages actually make it. The older set bends these numbers upward.
Less than half of second time marriages actually make it. And about a third of third time marriages make it.
There are huge differences between men and women when discussing the concept of emotional intimacy. To most women, it usually means sharing secret things of the heart, talking things over, and affection such as cuddling.
There was a long running beer commercial where a man was alone out in nature, fishing or hunting, and as he opened his drink he would proclaim, “It just doesn’t get any better than this.” But most men would disagree. It could get a lot better, if his wife would join him and enthusiastically share in the activity.
Men are bent toward action and they feel emotionally connected when doing things together. Husbands feel closest to their wives when they are working together on landscaping, going to see a movie, enjoying a recreational activity. According to William F. Harley Jr., (His Needs Her Needs) “Spending recreational time with his spouse is second only to sex for the typical husband. “
Couples Who Play Together Stay Together
Luke 23The Voice (VOICE)
23 So the whole council got up and took Jesus to Pilate. 2 They brought accusations against Him.
Sanhedrin: We have observed this man leading our nation astray. He even forbade us to pay our taxes to Caesar. He claims to be the Anointed One and a King Himself.
Pilate: 3 Are You the King of the Jews?
Jesus: It’s as you say.
Pilate (to the chief priest and crowd): 4 I find this man guilty of no crime.
Sanhedrin (growing more intense): 5 He has been stirring up discontent among the people all over Judea. He started up in Galilee, and now He’s brought His brand of trouble all the way to Jerusalem!
Pilate: 6 Just a minute. Is this man a Galilean?
Donna complained that her “so called” Christian husband was a “hypocrite”. Her heart was hard and critical because she did not experience him as the spiritual leader in the home that she had always expected. When asked about how her frustration was impacting her and how she interacted with him, she shared that she does not want to be around him, she has long periods where she does not like him, and she has little interest in being physically intimate with him.
God changes you, your marriage, and your relationship with Him when you pray for your spouse!
What is the difference between couples who make their marriage work and those who don’t. In this book, We share what wehave learned working with thousands of families and couples. This book can be used be one person in the relationship, but is best used as a couple. It has been written for couples of all ages and stages. It has helped couples say what they need to say. The struggle in communication in which so many couples find themselves feels like a very stuck place. Applying the principles in this book and completing the exercises (alone or together) significantly impacts couples relationships positively.
“Every Couple should read this” – Kari Ann
“Roy and Devra do a great job of simplifying how to communicate better with your spouse and live free from barriers that damage marriage. Thank you Roy and Devra for living an example for other marriages and sharing with us new tools.” – Byron
“There are few books out there that really help you, and seem to really want to help you with your problem (relationships in this case) and this book delivers.” – Monika
“What a great book for improving communication in your marriage! The information covered in this book is easy to relate too. At times, I felt as if they had stood in my living room and heard the arguments. I never felt judged or shamed. Positive and encouraging to husbands and wives! A rare find.” – Tia
“This book can be your go-to guide on how to fix, restore, or improve your marriage or relationship. All married couples should have it!!!! Very helpful!” – Austin
“This book contains a plethora of wisdom about how to deal with inevitable conflict in marriage. Concise and practical, it is well worth the short time required to read it, and a great reference when preparing for important conversations in any relationship. Very insightful and compelling!” – J. Wag
“A very truthful and realistic book” – ZRM
“This book will help you in communicating better in your relationship” – Dave Lappin
Leo did not know what to do. He has slipped into a brief affair. When Sylvia discovered it, he lied and tried to cover it up. Two weeks later he broke and confessed all. She was devastated. Thankfully she contacted us for a Marriage Intensive.
Trust break of any kind are significant traumas to the relationship. The natural reaction is a long period where nothing the betraying spouse does or says is accepted in truth. In fact, the betrayed spouse reviews all the memories of the relationship to date, questioning whether the betraying spouse was lying all along.
The Truth About Rebuilding Trust
- Affair recovery is possible. We have worked with hundreds of couples in our marriage intensive, one couple at a time, who have moved through the recovery process and now have a stronger and better marriage.
- Affair recovery is a process, not an event. It will not happen all at once in a meeting. Forgiveness and reconciliation is not possible with a single conversation. There are no magic words, or magic pills, that will automatically bring trust back into the relationship.
- The affair recovery process takes time. Forgiveness and reconciliation will take an average of two to five years. Like any trauma, reactions to triggers will vary in length and intensity. Every data point related to the affair will serve as a possible trauma trigger.
‘All of you should treat each other with humility, for as it says in Proverbs, God opposes the proud but offers grace to the humble.’ I Peter 5:5 (VOICE)
Betrayer’s Trust Building Responsibilities
We are so excited to be a part of a training marriage ministers, counselors and marriage champions, just like you, across Texas this Spring.
Come join us and learn how to work with couples. You will be taught how to teach our Life Together Forever couples curriculum for pre-marital and married couples. If you complete the training, you will also receive certification in the curriculum. The curriculum is approved in the Twogether In Texas program and you will be allowed to give away certificates for free marriage licenses after trained.
Attendees will also receive a free copy of our Church Small Group Curriculum called, “The Secret To Lifetime Love” as well as receive a copy of our book, “Four Minutes to Revolutionize Your Relationship”.
In partnership with Esteem Marriage and Twogether In Texas, we will be across Texas on the following dates, 9AM – 5PM:
- March 9, Austin
- March 30, Houston
- April 27, San Antonio
- May 4, Midland
- May 18, Dallas
- June 8, Brownsville
To learn more and to register, contact EsteemMarriage@gmail.com or go to Esteem Marriage.