Thinking About Leaving My Unhappy Marriage

Darla was angry. She told us that her husband did not understand her and she did not feel like he ever would. She wondered if he loved her as she told us countless examples of his inattention to her needs. And when he finally asked her out on a date, it was to something that he knew she hated. She was done.

On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad day, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won’t take anything for granted. Ecclesiastes 7:14 MSG

Affair Recovery For The Betrayed Spouse

Ron called after he discovered his wife’s affair on her phone’s chat app. Kay owned it, ended it and asked for forgiveness. But Ron told us during the phone assessment that, “I don’t think I can ever forgive her for this. I’ll never trust her again.”

During the Marriage Intensive, Ron and Kay discovered the journey ahead for both of them. They moved toward each other and are now on the long process of recovery.

The Truth About Affair Recovery

  1. Affair recovery is possible. We have worked with hundreds of couples in our marriage intensive, one couple at a time, who have moved through the recovery process and now have a stronger and better marriage.
  2. Affair recovery is a process, not an event. It will not happen all at once in a meeting. Forgiveness and reconciliation is not possible with a single conversation. There are no magic words, or magic pills, that will automatically bring trust back into the relationship.
  3. The affair recovery process takes time. Forgiveness and reconciliation will take an average of two to five years. Like any trauma, reactions to triggers will vary in length and intensity. Every data point related to the affair will serve as a possible trauma trigger.

Affair Recovery For The Betrayed Spouse

Stop The Blame Game

Lance and Claire were stuck in the blame game. Both were waiting for the other to show them that they were loved. They were basically domestic partners and parents, living totally different lives while in the same house.

During the Marriage Saving Intensive, Claire told us about how Lance had never really shared what was going on in his heart. “After 18 years of marriage, I know more about how my dog feels about things than I know what Lance cares about.” She was miserable and blamed her husband for her unhappiness.

Lance felt like there was a bait and switch. He told us that their love life was wonderful as they began their relationship, but “she has a wall up in our love life. I have leaned to just get through, because I don’t have a wife who wants me in any way.”   He told us that unless she changes, he is not willing to make any changes.

“So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it! Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.” Hebrews 12-17 (MSG)

Affair Recovery For The Betraying Spouse

Leo did not know what to do. He has slipped into a brief affair. When Sylvia discovered it, he lied and tried to cover it up. Two weeks later he broke and confessed all. She was devastated. Thankfully she contacted us for a Marriage Intensive.

Trust break of any kind are significant traumas to the relationship. The natural reaction is a long period where nothing the betraying spouse does or says is accepted in truth. In fact, the betrayed spouse reviews all the memories of the relationship to date, questioning whether the betraying spouse was lying all along.

The Truth About Rebuilding Trust

  1. Affair recovery is possible. We have worked with hundreds of couples in our marriage intensive, one couple at a time, who have moved through the recovery process and now have a stronger and better marriage.
  2. Affair recovery is a process, not an event. It will not happen all at once in a meeting. Forgiveness and reconciliation is not possible with a single conversation. There are no magic words, or magic pills, that will automatically bring trust back into the relationship.
  3. The affair recovery process takes time. Forgiveness and reconciliation will take an average of two to five years. Like any trauma, reactions to triggers will vary in length and intensity. Every data point related to the affair will serve as a possible trauma trigger.
‘All of you should treat each other with humility, for as it says in Proverbs, God opposes the proud but offers grace to the humble.’ I Peter 5:5 (VOICE)

Betrayer’s Trust Building Responsibilities

Training For Pastors/Counselors and Marriage Champions

We are so excited to be a part of a training marriage ministers, counselors and marriage champions, just like you, across Texas this Spring.

Come join us and learn how to work with couples.  You will be taught how to teach our Life Together Forever couples curriculum for pre-marital and married couples.  If you complete the training, you will also receive certification in the curriculum.  The curriculum is approved in the Twogether In Texas program and you will be allowed to give away certificates for free marriage licenses after trained.

Attendees will also receive a free copy of our Church Small Group Curriculum called, “The Secret To Lifetime Love” as well as receive a copy of our book, “Four Minutes to Revolutionize Your Relationship”.

In partnership with Esteem Marriage and Twogether In Texas, we will be across Texas on the following dates, 9AM – 5PM:

  • March 9, Austin
  • March 30, Houston
  • April 27, San Antonio
  • May 4, Midland
  • May 18, Dallas
  • June 8, Brownsville

To learn more and to register, contact EsteemMarriage@gmail.com or go to Esteem Marriage.

Be The Change Your Marriage Needs

During a Marriage Saving Intensive, Claire told us about how Lance had never really shared what was going on in his heart. “After 18 years of marriage, I know more about how my dog feels about things than I know what Lance cares about.” She was miserable and blamed her husband for her unhappiness.

Lance felt like there was a bait and switch. He told us that their love life was wonderful as they began their relationship, but “she has a wall up in our love life. I have leaned to just get through, because I don’t have a wife who wants me in any way.”   He told us that unless she changes, he is not willing to make any changes.

“So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it! Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.” Hebrews 12-17 (MSG)

Why Love Is So Important

It was great to be at the Texas Ministry Conference again this year. It has become like a family reunion for us reconnecting with friends across Texas who are Pastors, ministers and church staff.

A young lady in her late twenties who has never been married approached us to ask a serious question. “Why is love so important?” She went on to explain that she has been in a few developing relationships but has yet to find the man she believes God has in store for her. Yet she finds herself wishing that she did not have a desire to marry as she struggles with loneliness which leads to sadness and frustration.

We believe the answer has its roots in our origins.

Your Forever Valentine

February 14th is a day set aside to tell the one we love the most how much we love them. And retailers have made it an incredibly profitable day annually.  According to Forbes, Americans will spend an average of $136.57 a piece with overall Valentine’s sales for jewelry, flowers, clothing, candy, restaurants, cards and movies projected at $18.2 billion dollars.

‘Most of all, love each other steadily and unselfishly, because love makes up for many faults.’ I Peter 4:8 (VOICE)

Make Yours a Forever Valentine

After you have spent the dough on something perishable for Valentines Day, we hope you will consider stretching Valentines out throughout the whole year in a much less expensive way. Here are some things you can do to make yours a Forever Valentine.

Loving Your Wife Well

We love our friend in ministry, Ron Rose. Ron has written much that has influenced our relationship and our parenting of our children. He blogs today at Faith Team.

One of our favorite books by Ron is “Loving Her: 30 days to a more loving relationship with your wife”. It is a month of daily reading with action steps husbands can take to strengthen their relationship with their wife.

Rediscovering Your Wife
One of the most important things a husband can realize is that they have so much to yet discover about their wife. Here are a few nuggets from “Loving Her”.

When It Hurts Your Marriage

Cathy was in a perpetual cycle of marriage destruction. She disliked her husband and blamed him for her unhappiness. Almost every day, she left her home to hangout drinking with friends.

Her husband and children were telling her how unimportant they felt. But she continued to blame her husband for her unhappiness. When he complained about her drinking, or absence from his and the kids’ lives, she struck back accusing him of being “emotionally abusive and controlling.”

Cathy is not the only one. In our marriage intensives over the years we have witnessed both men and women in such a destructive pattern.

‘Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.’ Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

When A Behavior Is Hurting Your Marriage

Whether it is drinking or some other behavior, you may not be aware of it being a problem. Chances are that you do not think of the behavior as a problem. How can you tell if what you are doing is hurting yourself and your marriage.

Here are some tell-tale signs that what you are doing is a problem.