A recent call from a 32 year old wife in a five year old marriage. “Why is it that my husband showed me a lot of PDA (public display of affection) in our beginning of our relationship but is reluctant to do it now?”
The most powerful sex organ is the brain. Within the brain we are finding the answer to this very important question that is a common problem within most relationships.
Our brain secretes a “chemical cocktail of love” that leads to a high level of romantic feelings and behaviors. The cocktail consists of dopamine, nor-epinephrine, phenylethylamin and oxytocin which frequently is mistaken for love but is really infatuation…like puppy-love, lust, or “the flutters”.
During this part of our relationship we frequently do not think clearly as our emotions are fully engaged. We will frequently fail to see our partner’s less than attractive qualities… you know the ones that your sister, mother or best friends tell you about. Our logical, reasoning and rational part of the brain plays second string to the emotional part of our brain. This leads to poor financial and relational decisions.
We also frequently have a increased libido and our romantic feelings are high. We will experience negative emotions, even pain, when we are not around our partner for a long period of time during this period.
It is interesting that most people have a window of between 6-24 months where the brain is flooded with these emotions. What happens at that point is that the chemicals in our brain actually reset to baseline levels. And for many of us, we wonder if we have “fallen out of love” or “picked the wrong one”. When the brain resets, the thinking, logical and thinking part of the brain takes the lead again and we begin to see traits and behaviors in our partner that we have never noticed before.
One of the sad things about people who are clueless about the chemical cocktail of love is that they frequently end their relationship when the brain’s chemicals reset. In a short period of time, the brain is reactivated as they meet a new potential mate. They end up moving through a series of relationships never finding the “right one”.
The reason your spouse is less affectionate than when you first met is probably because the chemical cocktail of love is not activated at this time. It is probably not you or that he doesn’t love you, but you can do something about it, to reactivate that loving feeling.
Researchers tell us that the following activities can bring back the loving feeling and reactivate the chemical cocktail of love with your spouse.
- Having regular or frequent sex
- Do hobbies/activities together
- Date regularly
- Open up and share feelings
- Get rid of negative feelings anywhere in your life through forgiveness
- Use “Speaking and Hearing the Truth” to talk through conflict areas
- Guard special time weekly just for the two of you
- Initiate affection
- Be open to experience new things together
- Take care of health…sleep and eat well
- Know them. Learn their newest list of favorites.
- Support their decisions
- Talk well about them to others.
- Tell them what you are thankful for.
- Ask for help if you need it…seek a veteran couple of marriage, marriage mentor, pastor, or counselor if it may be helpful.
Let us know what you have done to turn back on the chemical cocktail of love.
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This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.