Does Your Marriage Need The Sex Talk? (Part 1 of 2)

We were leading a retreat weekend in Wisconsin and one of the staff shared this hilarious video that sums up what couples that have been married for several years have described to us about their love life.   We hope you’ll watch it with your spouse and smile.

 Not discussing sex with your spouse almost always leads to sexual acting out in some destructive way to the relationship.

A common problem among married couples that we have observed through our work with thousands of couples in our Life Together Forever Weekends or in our work with hundreds of distressed couples in our marriage saving, one-couple-at-at-time Marriage Intensive, is that couples do not have conversations about what they want and need in their sex lives. The inability to have conversations about requests in your love life leads to hurt feelings, isolation and may lead to sexual acting out in one way or another.

The antidote to the problem of not having a conversation about your love life with your spouse is to have a conversation with your partner about your love life. We are not going to focus on how to have the conversation, but what to have the conversation about and how to talk specifically about your love life. To set yourself up for a successful conversation, use the Crucial Conversation Rules that we have written about in past articles.

One of the common problem areas in married couples sex life is frequency. In study after study, more than half of couples surveyed have significantly different frequency desires. One spouse wants to have sex significantly more frequently than the other.

One reason for the frequency challenge married couples have is biologically driven. Testosterone, found in males to be 200 times higher than female levels, is a major driver in frequency desires. The more testosterone, the more frequently the desire for sex. As we age, testosterone levels increases in females (compared to other hormones) and decreases in males. It is common to find an increase in female frequency desires while at the same time male frequency desires decrease.

Libido is at the lowest for females in the first year to two years after having a baby. The female body turns all of its biology toward taking care of the infant and libido seems to be a biological after thought. This makes having the sex talk vitally important during childbearing years where many marriages struggle with sexual acting out in one way or another.

Another reason for differences in frequency desires is that we stop doing the things that caused us to fall in love with each other to begin with. In women, the frequency desires are tied to how safe and emotionally connected they feel the marriage relationship is. We can regain “that loving feeling” again by doing some of the things we did when we first started dating and our first year of marriage.

You and your spouse need to take the time to discuss each of your frequency desires. Invite them to a crucial conversation. Then ask your spouse what they believe would be the ideal frequency of sex monthly. After hearing and understanding what their frequency desire is, then share your frequency desire. Discover together some compromise of frequency you can both commit to for the next couple of months. Commit to reconnecting in another discussion in 90 days to see how it went.

Not only should you discuss frequency, but in Part 2 we will discuss how married couples can have a sex talk about different types of sexual activity.

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at © Roy and Devra Wooten 2015. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at [email protected].

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