Speakers, Authors & Christian Marriage & Relationship CoachesBefore You Marry – Speakers, Authors & Christian Marriage & Relationship Coaches

Six Things You Need To Do About Chore Problems In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 11:00:50 +0000

We do not know anyone who loves to do chores. But they have to get done. And with most couples who come to us for help, chores seems to be part of the discussion. One feels like the other hardly ever helps, or does not keep their end of the delegated chores or spends too much time doing them instead of connecting with their spouse. Sometimes the issue is that the one doing the chores is being regularly criticized instead of appreciated for doing them.

“For each will have to bear his own load” Galations 6:5 ESV

If you are in a long-term committed relationship and you are arguing about chores, you are not alone. According to numerous reports, 1 in 5 couples have serious “dust ups” about chores in their marriage. And about two thirds of wives and more than half of husbands in one survey believe that they do many more chores than their spouse.

We have found that one of the common reasons for relationship struggles around chores is that expectations around chores are not communicated. If you are frequently having your expectations around chores blown, make sure that you have communicated your expectations to your spouse in a way that they understand what you are requesting.

Lisa and Dan were struggling so much in their marriage that they came in for a Marriage Intensive. Dan felt like Lisa did not love him anymore and that he really did not matter to her because she seemed to never show any affection or companionship to him. Lisa felt like Dan did not appreciate her duties as a mother and wife in managing the household. When Dan was home in the evenings she was busy with chores and when it was bed time she was fatigued from a busy day of child rearing and house cleaning.

As we began to discuss divvying up the chore list, Lisa interrupted with “I don’t believe in chore lists. I can get it all done.” We discussed how that was not working well in her life in her efforts to build the marriage she really wanted and encouraged her to try a new way for about 60-90 days with a chore chart. She agreed and their marriage continues to grow intentionally toward what they have always dreamed.

Although rare, we occasionally find couples who are stuck in the 1950s chore delegation system. They believe strongly that some chores are BLUE chores while others are PINK chores (Thanks Nate and Cassie Saffle for naming these). That is they believe men should do certain chores and women should do certain chores. The problem with that type of thinking is that no two spouses grew up in the same home. Our expectations about BLUE chores and PINK chores come from the homes where we were raised. So conflicts arise out of our expectations of the 1950’s chore delegation system.

After moving through most of the major family life cycle phases, we believe the most important thing you can do to reduce your frustrations around chores is to negotiate and renegotiate the chore chart. What works in one phase of the family cycle may not work in another phase. Having hard conversations periodically about chores will help prevent your marriage from ending up like Lisa and Dan’s.

Follow these steps to decrease arguments around chores in your marriage:

Schedule a time to discuss chores with your spouse.
Complete the Chore List Discussion Sheet and ask your spouse to do the same before the time you are scheduled to meet. Notice that some chores listed may not apply to you while other chores that are important to you are not listed. Use the blank spaces to list chores that are unique to your life.
Discover where you are in agreement.
Negotiate where you are not in agreement with the goal of trying out a new chore list for a maximum of ninety days. Each of you should commit to chores that you do not want to do in order to reach a fair compromise in the chore list. Remember that your goal is to build the marriage you both want so keep the long-term goal in mind every step.
Discuss expectations around individual chores, such as frequency and other expectations.
Schedule when you will meet again to review how things are going. Usually it is the length of the temporary commitments.

Let us know how it works for you. And if you have any ideas around chores that might help other couples, share them here so others can read!

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This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Get The Affection Back In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Mon, 06 Nov 2017 11:00:27 +0000

A recent call from a 32 year old wife in a five year old marriage. “Why is it that my husband showed me a lot of PDA (public display of affection) in our beginning of our relationship but is reluctant to do it now?”

The most powerful sex organ is the brain. Within the brain we are finding the answer to this very important question that is a common problem within most relationships.

Our brain secretes a “chemical cocktail of love” that leads to a high level of romantic feelings and behaviors. The cocktail consists of dopamine, nor-epinephrine, phenylethylamin and oxytocin which frequently is mistaken for love but is really infatuation…like puppy-love, lust, or “the flutters”.

During this part of our relationship we frequently do not think clearly as our emotions are fully engaged. We will frequently fail to see our partner’s less than attractive qualities… you know the ones that your sister, mother or best friends tell you about. Our logical, reasoning and rational part of the brain plays second string to the emotional part of our brain. This leads to poor financial and relational decisions.

We also frequently have a increased libido and our romantic feelings are high. We will experience negative emotions, even pain, when we are not around our partner for a long period of time during this period.

It is interesting that most people have a window of between 6-24 months where the brain is flooded with these emotions. What happens at that point is that the chemicals in our brain actually reset to baseline levels. And for many of us, we wonder if we have “fallen out of love” or “picked the wrong one”. When the brain resets, the thinking, logical and thinking part of the brain takes the lead again and we begin to see traits and behaviors in our partner that we have never noticed before.

One of the sad things about people who are clueless about the chemical cocktail of love is that they frequently end their relationship when the brain’s chemicals reset. In a short period of time, the brain is reactivated as they meet a new potential mate. They end up moving through a series of relationships never finding the “right one”.

The reason your spouse is less affectionate than when you first met is probably because the chemical cocktail of love is not activated at this time. It is probably not you or that he doesn’t love you, but you can do something about it, to reactivate that loving feeling.

Researchers tell us that the following activities can bring back the loving feeling and reactivate the chemical cocktail of love with your spouse.

Having regular or frequent sex
Do hobbies/activities together
Date regularly
Open up and share feelings
Get rid of negative feelings anywhere in your life through forgiveness
Use “Speaking and Hearing the Truth” to talk through conflict areas
Guard special time weekly just for the two of you
Initiate affection
Be open to experience new things together
Take care of health…sleep and eat well
Know them. Learn their newest list of favorites.
Support their decisions
Talk well about them to others.
Tell them what you are thankful for.
Ask for help if you need it…seek a veteran couple of marriage, marriage mentor, pastor, or counselor if it may be helpful.

Let us know what you have done to turn back on the chemical cocktail of love.

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Dashed Expectations In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Fri, 03 Nov 2017 11:00:43 +0000

It is amazing to us how many times husbands and wives are sitting in our offices and learn for the first time something about their spouse. Some have been married years and never knew that when she does this, he feels that… or that it always makes her feel the same negative way when he does that.

It makes sense to us that blown expectations is a huge part of the negative pattern of interactions that couples in struggle find themselves experiencing. One of the biggest “aha”s for us in our work with couples over the years is the huge number of times that the offended spouse has never communicated the expectation to the offending spouse. That is, when one spouse expects the other to do something that has never been communicated and is emotionally frustrated, hurt or sad when it does not happen.

Unspoken expectations are unhealthy expectations.

When we make a commitment in marriage to each other, we bring with us expectations about how we will do life together. Our expectations are developed over a lifetime of watching how others do life… primarily our parents and our family of origin. We usually have expectations about who should do what and how it should be done in a number of areas of living including:

Chores
Budget
Sex
Parenting
In-law Relationships
Faith
Friend Involvement
Recreation
Career

We bring these expectations into our marriage with us. But once we are married, we too frequently stop getting to know each other like we began in the early days of our relationship. Our communication about our thoughts on key issues about how we should engage each other and our world together is non-existent. Then when we begin to live life together and our spouse fails to live up to our expectation in one or more areas, instead of talking about it, we usually feel hurt, sad, and/or angry. And we think it is all our spouse’s fault.

Even if we are able to get it all figured out early in our relationship, we frequently find ourselves struggling again later in our marriage. We are not the exact same person that our spouse married. We are more mature. Life has taught us a few more lessons. Strongly held opinions and expectations we once fought for have been replaced with wiser expectations. And we sometimes fail to think about how our spouse has also changed. So we end up being frustrated at our spouse’s failure to meet our expectations.

Not communicating your expectations about how to do life together sets your spouse up in “no-win” situations.

We encourage couples at any stage of their relationship to do the following:

Have a courageous conversation about the issue. Use your communication skills to listen to your spouse’s expectations around the issue as well as share your own.
Seek to find a win-win solution. Where are you close? What can you agree on? Is there a way to meet each of your goals.
Compromise to find a temporary solution. Try our your compromised solution for a time period to which you both agree. We like 30, 60, 90 day commitments.
Meet again to review how the trial period went.

Your spouse will never be able to meet your expectations if you do not share them. We hope you will try it out and let us know how it went. We are always looking for great ideas to help couples. If you have a topic or set of advice you would like to share, please let us know about it.

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Five Scary Spouses

roylovesdev — Tue, 31 Oct 2017 11:00:41 +0000

It’s that time of year again when our doorbell rings and children of all ages hold out a bag asking for “trick or treats”. Television sets are filled with “spooky” movies and “haunted” houses. Stores are packed with cases and cases of candy.

Over the years working with thousands of couples in our Life Together Forever Retreats and our Marriage Intensives, we have witness some of the most challenging spouses. So here is out list of the scariest spouses in marriages today.

The Five Scariest Spouses

Dictator/Tyrant – This spouse makes all the decisions. Everything seems to have a “my way or the highway” undertone to it. Over 80% of marriages where one spouse makes most of the decisions ends in divorce. This spouse can easily make their marriage dangerous.
Judge, Jury and Executioner – This spouse could also be called the Ready, Fire, Aim spouse. They read the situation before ever having any conversation. They unilaterally determine motive. And before gathering information, they act on their (usually errant) belief about the situation which causes a perpetuation of the problems. When the other spouse shares their side of the story, this spouse refuses to accept it outright.
Chronic Blamer – This spouse has almost never done anything wrong. They have a hard time accepting responsibility for anything. When an issue is to brought to their attention, the counter attack can be huge and damaging. This spouse is never willing to work on themselves or try to become a better person because all of the relationship problems are the other spouse’s problem.
Door Mat – This spouse never disagrees and stuffs every negative thought about their spouse and every negative feeling about their spouse’s actions and words. This spouse seems to be easy to get along with yielding at every turn. Over time, the negative feelings and thoughts become like a giant beach ball that is impossible to keep down under the water. At some point it all explodes usually causing great pain to their life and the lives of those they love the most.
Myopic Wanderer – This spouse has eyes only for their world. It is as if they are going through life with blinders on. They only see their world as it impacts them. They are fully unaware of their spouse’s needs, hopes, goals and desires. Their self focused actions cause trust issue in every part of the relationship. The other spouse is lonely, unheard, unappreciated and tired. The other spouse usually feels like they have a child to raise instead of a spouse.

Get The Help You Need

If you find yourself on the list, either as one of the scariest or married to one of the scariest, we pray that you will get the help you need. We always recommend that you find competent Christian professionals to help. Talk to your Pastor. Call and set up an appointment with a Christian counselor or coach. Meet with a veteran marriage couple about how they make it work. Invest in your marriage before it is too late. If we can help you, contact us at 281-949-8115.

‘Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ Ephesians 5:21 (NiV)

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Getting Through Tough Times Together

roylovesdev — Fri, 27 Oct 2017 11:00:33 +0000

Life is stressful. It is full of everyday little stressors and huge unexpected once-in-a-lifetime stressors. It has wonderfully exciting and “I can’t believe it” joy-filled stressors as well as little joys that also bring about unintended stressors. As long as we are living, we will experience stress.

According to the American Institute of Stress,

the annual costs to employers of stress related healthcare and missed wore was measured at $300 Billion in 2014.
77% of Americans regularly experience physical symptoms caused by stress.
73% of Americans regularly experience psychological symptoms caused by stress.
76% of Americans cited work as the leading cause of their stress.
54% of Americans reported stress has caused them to fight with people close to them.
48% of Americans reported lying awake at night due to stress.

Relationships Buffer Stress

Whether you are experiencing acute stress, chronic stress, distress or (happy) eustress, your relationship will make a huge difference in how you manage and adapt to the stress. There is a body or research that scientists have been studying since the mid 1980s that clearly shows relationships one of the most, if not the most, effective buffer to stress.

Three Ways Of Handling The Stress of Life

Let It Divide You – As you experience stressors of life, you can allow the challenge to turn you against each other. You can begin to see your spouse as the cause of the stress and blame your spouse. You can focus on your spouse as being the source of all of the negative affects of stress.
Let It Isolate You – As you experience stressors of life, you can move away from your spouse. You can allow it to be a secret that you keep from your spouse. You can expect that you spouse will not be supportive and not tell them. Or you can avoid your spouse and whatever it going on with them because you feel like you have enough stress of your own.
Tackle It Together – As you experience stressors of life, you can move toward your spouse. You can share the stress in your life and how it is affecting you with your spouse. You can move toward your spouse with comfort and a shared heart to help your spouse open up about their stress. You can work with each other to get through, whatever life throws at you, together.

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Are You A Marriage Fan?

roylovesdev — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 11:00:58 +0000

We have dear friends who are lifelong Dallas Cowboy fans. In good times and bad, they watch every game religiously. They spend hundreds of dollars on Dallas Cowboy branded merchandise, home décor, and clothing. One of the first outfits their children wore as newborns was a Dallas Cowboy onesie. Their cars have Cowboys bumper stickers. Their work areas and home has Cowboys décor. Everyone knows that they are Cowboys fans. They are definitely Dallas Cowboy fanatics.

According to Merriam –Webster Dictionary, the word fan is “probably short for fanatic” and first appeared in 1682. A fan is “an enthusiastic devotee” and “an ardent admirer or enthusiast.”

“Marriage should be honored by all.” Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)

We are amazed at what research is telling us about our current culture’s view of marriage. About 35% of first time marriages fail. Over 50% of second time marriages end in divorce and fewer than 35% of third time marriages actually make it. It is as if we were built to have one lifelong love and we give it our all. But if it does not work out, we hold back our heart on the second one, afraid to get hurt again. That holding back makes our marriage less sticky.

Marriage is kind of like duct tape. When you first tear of a piece and stick it, it is difficult to remove. Each time you peel it off and attempt to stick it again, it looses its stickiness. Our marriages loose their “sticky” factor each time we tear it off and attempt it again.

What is more alarming than that is the research that shows fewer and fewer people are choosing marriage. The trend under 35 years of age shows that more and more couples are what we call “playing married”. Over 80% of co-habitations do not end in marriage. That means that by the time those who choose to play married attempt marriage, they will have already lost their stickiness in a few prior attempts.

Marriage needs more fans. People who are married are more satisfied with life and report higher levels of well-being or happiness than their non-married counterparts. Married couples enjoy several advantages over non-married folks:

Better Health
Longer Life Span
More Wealth
Greater Sexual Satisfaction
Less Depression and Addictions

And children who live in a home with both mom and dad are significantly less likely to experience:

Infant Mortality
Obesity
Poverty
Abuse/Neglect
Delinquency
Drop Out
Addition as Teen
Pregnancy as Teen
Prison as Adult

Marriage needs more fans. Fans who talk about what is good about their marriage to others. Fans who champion marriages, like our Cowboys friends, in good times and in bad times. Fans who are ardent admirers of marriages that are strong and long. Fans who are enthusiasts- studying, talking about, and supporting marriage.

If you are a fan of marriage, you will also be a fan of your spouse. You will be a fan who champions your spouse in good times and bad. You will be your spouse’s biggest enthusiast. You will be an ardent admirer of who they are. Everyone you know will know how much you love your spouse. They will know by the way you dress, how you talk about your spouse, what your work-space looks like, what your vehicle looks like, etc. You will defend your spouse to anyone who speaks anything but praise about them.

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Man Up and Marry Her

roylovesdev — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 11:00:53 +0000

In his early 30’s, Jeremy has been in one relationship after another. He falls in love and they move in together. After about a year or so, things begin to heat up and he feels pressured to put a ring on her finger. When he calls for coaching, he says the same things:

“I’m not financially stable enough to get married yet.”

“I don’t want to get married and end up divorced like my parents.”

“I’m not sure she is the one for me. I love her but we get into fights a lot and she is really annoying when she…”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to make such a long term commitment.”

‘Find a good spouse, you find a good life—and even more: the favor of God!’ Proverbs 18:22 (The Message)

Marriage In Decline

Since the late 60s, marriage has fallen out of popularity.

Over the last decade, the number of people in the US who are single has for the first time surpassed the number of people who are married.
Average age of marriage has been pushed back almost a decade with the average age of first marriages by women at 27 and of men being 29.
More people are cohabitating instead of marrying. The average length of cohabitation is 22 months and over 80% do not marry their cohabitating partner.
Couples who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not cohabitate before marriage.

Marriage Makes Men Better

There is a paradox at work here. Young men do not feel “ready”, or “man enough” to make a lifelong commitment. They feel like they need to have their finances in better order before they commit and they fear the relationship will end up failing anyway.

At the same time, research is telling us that when a man jumps off the cliff and makes the long term commitment in marriage, he becomes a better man. In fact, men benefit more from marriage than women do.

Married men:

Are promoted faster.
Are happier.
Make higher income.
Handle stress better.
Live healthier lifestyles.
Higher sexual satisfaction (frequency and type).
Have fewer health problems.
Less likely to be involved with legal issues.
Live longer
More financial stability and net worth.
Are viewed as more attractive.
Have a lifelong encourager and challenger.

Before You Marry

Before you say “I Do” invest in a Life Together Forever marriage class or get some coaching or counseling from a minister, or Christian Counselor or Coach. You need to especially if either of you have been in a committed relationship before you met. Develop some skills to make the commitment work and to build the relationship that you have always dreamed about.

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Helping & Fixing Is Hurting Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 17:52:57 +0000

Stan was fed up. When he called for a marriage intensive, he stated, “She treats me like I’m her child – Always telling me what to do.” Only married three years, she was just as frustrated as he was. “He’s always telling me what I ought to do. Its like he thinks I’m an idiot.”

Stan and Jackie are like so many couples we have worked with over the years in marriage intensives. Each spouse has difficulty fully hearing each other. Both struggle with understanding their spouse’s intentions.

Helping Your Husband

When your husband tells you a story about what is going on at work, or about some conflict with others in his life, you probably want to help. When he thinks out loud through a challenge or problem, you want to do your best to try to help him solve it. Your intentions are good.

More often than not- when a wife begins to help her husband by offering solutions or taking action to solve the issue for him, he does not receive it as help. Most husbands instead feel it as if their wives are bossing them around or being critical. Your “helping” is actually creating problems in the relationship.

Fixing Your Wife’s Problem

When your wife tells you a story about what is going on in her world, or about some conflict with others in her life, you want to help fix the problem. When she thinks out loud about an issue, you want to do your best as her husband to fix the problem. Your intentions are good.

More often than not- when a husband begins to help his wife by offering solutions or taking action to solve the issue for her, she does not receive it as help. Most spouses instead feel as if their husbands are bossing them around or being critical. Your “fixing” your wife’s problem is actually creating problems in the relationship.

How Best To Support Your Spouse

Your spouse does not want you to “fix it”. What your spouse wants most as they are expressing themselves is not help, but your support. Keep these things in mind the next time your spouse presents a problem in their world:

Be Physically Present – Hit pause, set down your phone, turn off the television or device and give your spouse full body attention. Have every cell in your body focused on them.
Listen Well – God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Use good listening skills by intentionally sharing some of what they are saying back to them. As they hear you say their own words back to them, it will help them begin to solve their own issue.
Give Support – Empathize with them over the issue in their life. Let them know that you are just as frustrated as they are about this. Tell them that you are sorry that they are going through that and that you love them. Use affection and affirmation in how you support your spouse.
Ask Permission First – Before taking any action to help or fix the problem, ask their permission first. Before offering advice about what they should do, ask them if they are open to hear some ideas that you have. Only give advice or take action if you have their permission.
Follow Up – Check back with them in the next day or so about how it is going for them. Show that what is important in their life is important to you. If they tried something to resolve the issue, let them know you are interested in how it worked out for them.

It was a tough day working through many relationship issues, but Stan and Jackie have been doing great for over a year, since their marriage intensive.

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Life Together Forever Couples Seminar – East Texas

roylovesdev — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 11:00:01 +0000

Do you want to take your marriage to the next level?

Do you want to experience relational healing and restoration?

Do you want to strengthen communication and connection?

Then this is the perfect event for you!

Couples will learn, experience and practice the application of powerful Biblical Truth as Roy and Devra share their real and humorous relationship stories. With other couples, enjoy discovering the way forward in common challenges of relationships with exciting sessions including:

Doing Life Together Forever
Creating a Lifelong Marriage
Speaking and Hearing Truth
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Stress-Less Living
Healthy Expectations
Courageous Conversations
Sex, Love and Romance
Relationships God’s Way

August 26, 2017

8:30AM – 3PM

$50 per couples

Summit Heights Fellowship

2340 S FM 2869 Hawkins, TX 75765

Are You Appreciating Your Spouse?

roylovesdev — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 11:00:11 +0000

Linda and Dan had over two decades of marriage under their belt. With one child in high school and the other in middle school, this should have been some of the best years of their marriage and life. When they called us, Linda was considering separating because she could not “stay in a passionless marriage one more day.” We met them in a full day Marriage Intensive solely focused on improving their relationship. Dan seemed clueless that there was any problem.

After spending the day working on each spouse’s key issues and discovering what each wanted for their future together, we helped them develop a plan to move forward. Among other things he committed to daily thinking of at least one thing that he appreciated about her and telling her. We met again seven days later in a follow up coaching call and she reported beginning to feel close to him “like I did when we first started dating.” Four years later, Dan and Linda report that that day was the catalyst for their relationship being deeper, stronger and more passionate than ever.

There is amazing power in appreciating your spouse. Spouses who receive it begin to feel closer, more emotionally connected. Spouses who give it begin to change their heart and the way they perceive their spouse.

Deep connection in a marriage can only happen when appreciation is a part of the relationship.

Jesus asked us to pray for enemies (Matt 5:44) and he must have known what research is just now discovering. Anger, grudges, un-forgiveness, resentment and bitterness cannot coexist in the same heart with appreciation. One displaces the other.

Appreciation is the antidote to resentment and bitterness.

What is great about appreciation is that works if only one of the spouses implements it unilaterally. In other words, if one person in the marriage begins discovering and telling their spouse what they appreciate about them, the marriage changes.

If you feel stuck in your relationship and believe you do not think it will ever get better unless your spouse goes through a complete transformation, then you need to try this.

Find a place to write at least one thing you appreciate about your spouse every day. You may want to write it in a journal or begin a word file called “Things I Appreciate About My Spouse”. But do it daily.
Focus on what you notice about their heart. About who they truly are. Listing characteristics or traits of your spouse you appreciate is better than listing some behavior or action they perform.
Find a time to tell them what it is you appreciate about them. You may want to tell them looking right into their eyes or perhaps send them a message. What ever way you choose, make it clean and uncluttered by other communication. Just say, “Something I appreciate about you is _______”.
Let your spouse decide to receive it reject it without any comment from you. No matter what they say back, even if they say nothing, stay committed to implementing this strategy of appreciation daily.

Your relationship is worth this simple daily task. Make a commitment and do it. And let us know how it turns out for you.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?