Cindy had set up a coaching call based upon the referral from her Pastor. She arrived to the session with a friend whom she insisted join us in session. Cindy had brought her friend to verify what she was telling us about how horrible of a husband she has. “My pastor, all of my friends, including a counselor friend of mine, agrees with me that he is the problem in our marriage.”
The “Silent Treatment” destroys the ability of spouses to communicate and resolve conflict. That is why we have called it a “Marriage Killer”. It is an expression of stonewalling. Stonewalling is just as it sounds: anything we do that is building a stone wall between us and our spouse. Stonewalling means refusing to communicate or cooperate.
Stonewalling is common, although it takes many different forms. Slamming the door as you walk out of the room or pealing out as you leave the driveway. Using the “silent treatment” to be present and talk to everyone else except for the person with whom you are upset. It can look like diving into a book, your cell phone, electronic device like an iPad or laptop, or television. It can also look like hiding out in the “man-cave”, having to work late, or doing a lot of household chores.
Criticism is destructive to relationships and that is why we have called it a “Marriage Killer”. Criticism is finding something wrong with the other person. Every spouse will do or not do something that their spouse judges as un-approving. You can choose to communicate your desire for a different behavior from your spouse in a way that brings you closer together, or you can choose to communicate your desire for a different behavior from your spouse in a way that tears them down.
Criticism goes beyond communicating what request you have of your spouse’s behavior change. It goes into language about your spouse’s character, identity, family, etc. Criticism is putting down your spouse and finding fault in them. This is often associated with assuming the worst about their intentions.