Make This Holiday Weekend Better

Turn your relationships around during the holidays by implementing these tips for making memories!

1. Pray together.  Take a few moments every day to hear your spouse pray and pray with them.
2. Be thankful for all the positive things about your spouse.  Make a list of what you appreciate about your spouse.   Share at least one of them with your spouse.
3. Turn off or remove devices and television.  Focus on the people in front of you.  Ask open ended questions and help them tell stories about what is going on in their world.  Share a brief story about what is going on in yours.
4. Be present.  Take time to check in with your self.  Are you fully aware of your immediate environment?  What do you see, hear, taste, smell and touch?  Try to refocus any thoughts of the past or future back to the present.
5. Give those speaking to you full body attention.  Turn toward them.  Look at their face when they are spooking.  Listen as if you might be tested later and ask questions that help them tell their story.
6. Make time for just the two of you.  Take a walk.  Go for a drive.  Enjoy a cup of coffee away from everyone else.  Take a one-hour date and talk about your best memories together since this time last year.

We pray God will bless you through this long holiday weekend with deep connection, peace and joy!

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

The Effect of Divorce On Children

1. Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.” (Furstenberg, Peterson, Nord, and Zill, “Life Course”)
2. Among the millions of children who have seen their parents divorce, one of every 10 will also live through three or more parental marriage breakups. (The Abolition of Marriage, Gallagher)
3. Forty percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers. (Wade, Horn and Busy, “Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform” Hudson Institute Executive Briefing, 1997)
4. Of all children born to married parents this year, fifty percent will experience the divorce of their parents before they reach their 18th birthday. (Fagan, Fitzgerald, Rector, “The Effects of Divorce On America)
5. Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage –Harvard University Press 1981)
6. Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)
7. Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988)
8. Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being” National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)
9. Following divorce, children are fifty percent more likely to develop health problems than two parent families. (Angel, Worobey, “Single Motherhood and Children’s Health”)
10. Children living with both biological parents are 20 to 35 percent more physically healthy than children from broken homes. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-being” Journal of Marriage and the Family)
11. Most victims of child molestation come from single-parent households or are the children of drug ring members. (Los Angles Times 16 September 1985 The Garbage Generation)
12. A Child in a female-headed home is 10 times more likely to be beaten or murdered. (The Legal Beagle, July 1984, from “The Garbage Generation”)
13. A study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be “lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure. (Wallerstein “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1991)
14. Seventy percent of long-term prison inmates grew up in broken homes. (Horn, Bush, “Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform)
15. Children of divorce are four times more likely to report problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have kept their marriages intact. (Tysse, Burnett, “Moral Dilemmas of Early Adolescents of Divorced and Intact Families. Journal of Early Adolescence 1993)
16. Children of divorce, particularly boys, tend to be more aggressive toward others than those children whose parents did not divorce. (Emery, “Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment, 1988)
17. People who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than those who do not come from broken homes. (Velez-Cohen, “Suicidal Behavior and Ideation in a Community Sample of Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1988)
18. Children of divorced parents are roughly two times more likely to drop out of high school than their peers who benefit from living with parents who did not divorce. (McLanahan, Sandefur, “Growing Up With a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps” Harvard University Press 1994)

If you are a divorced parent, please consider the resources of our friends at The Bridge Across or Shield Bearer Counseling Centers.  But if your divorce is not final or you are even thinking about a divorce, contact us for a Marriage Saving Intensive.  You will not regret giving your marriage every last chance to get healthy again.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Sacrifices Continue for Post-911 Veterans

In our work with couples, we have witnessed the ongoing sacrifices of too many post-9/11 couples and families. According to a study released by the Pew Research Center, veterans of the Afghanistan and Iraq war have special challenges.

• They have a higher divorce rate than veterans of prior wars.
• The divorce rate among officers is about the same as the general population, but among enlisted is more than double officers’ rate.
• While the divorce rate among the general population has leveled off, the divorce rate among post-911 veterans has more than doubled over the last ten years. 

Why Are Veterans Marriages Failing?

In addition to the difficulties in which all couples find themselves from time to time, veteran couples have special stressors that are different than most of ours.

• The first 90 days transitioning out are incredibly stressful as veterans tend to focus on their career, housing, etc. instead of their relationship.
• Redefining roles within the family creates a flash point of contention.
• Each spouse has changed during deployments, yet they tend to treat each other as if they were the same when they left.
• The effects of trauma and war’s impact on fellow service personnel complicate re-connection. Depression, post traumatic stress disorder and anger outbursts are too often a part of new barriers to a strong marriage.

What Helps Keep Post-911 Veterans’ Marriage Strong?

• Christians who surround themselves with other couples who value marriage. Couples who strive toward a relationship with God and are involved in a local church with other marriage valuing couples are less likely to divorce than couples who do neither.
• Marriage Workshops and Retreats – We are happy to report that Fort Hood provides Life Together Forever Couples Classes for Active Service Personnel and Spouses.  According to Dr. Scott Stanley, Director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at University of Denver, couples who completed a relationship education program were 300% less likely to be divorced than their counterparts who did not complete such training.
• Investing in professional relationship help – veterans who invest in professional relationship help, like the Marriage Intensive, when they begin to struggle are more likely to retain their marriage.
• Focusing on the Relationship. Couples who are intentional about strengthening their relationship in the rushed transition to civilian life are more likely to maintain their marriage.

We are so thankful for all Veterans and their families. May God bless you in your relationship with Him and may He bless your marriage and family!

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Do you want to experience relational healing and restoration?

Do you want to strengthen communication and connection?

Then this is the perfect event for you!

Couples will learn, experience and practice the application of powerful Biblical Truth as Roy and Devra share their real and humorous relationship stories.  With other couples, enjoy discovering the way forward in common challenges of relationships with exciting sessions including:

• Doing Life Together Forever
• Creating a Lifelong Marriage
• Speaking and Hearing Truth
• Forgiveness and Reconciliation
• Stress-Less Living
• Healthy Expectations
• Courageous Conversations
• Sex, Love and Romance
• Relationships God’s Way

August 26, 2017

8:30AM – 3PM

$50 per couples

Summit Heights Fellowship

2340 S FM 2869  Hawkins, TX 75765

Register Now

After spending the day working on each spouse’s key issues and discovering what each wanted for their future together, we helped them develop a plan to move forward. Among other things he committed to daily thinking of at least one thing that he appreciated about her and telling her. We met again seven days later in a follow up coaching call and she reported beginning to feel close to him “like I did when we first started dating.” Four years later, Dan and Linda report that that day was the catalyst for their relationship being deeper, stronger and more passionate than ever.

There is amazing power in appreciating your spouse. Spouses who receive it begin to feel closer, more emotionally connected. Spouses who give it begin to change their heart and the way they perceive their spouse.

Deep connection in a marriage can only happen when appreciation is a part of the relationship.

Jesus asked us to pray for enemies (Matt 5:44) and he must have known what research is just now discovering. Anger, grudges, un-forgiveness, resentment and bitterness cannot coexist in the same heart with appreciation. One displaces the other.

Appreciation is the antidote to resentment and bitterness.

What is great about appreciation is that works if only one of the spouses implements it unilaterally. In other words, if one person in the marriage begins discovering and telling their spouse what they appreciate about them, the marriage changes.

If you feel stuck in your relationship and believe you do not think it will ever get better unless your spouse goes through a complete transformation, then you need to try this.

1. Find a place to write at least one thing you appreciate about your spouse every day. You may want to write it in a journal or begin a word file called “Things I Appreciate About My Spouse”. But do it daily.
2. Focus on what you notice about their heart. About who they truly are. Listing characteristics or traits of your spouse you appreciate is better than listing some behavior or action they perform.
3. Find a time to tell them what it is you appreciate about them. You may want to tell them looking right into their eyes or perhaps send them a message. What ever way you choose, make it clean and uncluttered by other communication. Just say, “Something I appreciate about you is _______”.
4. Let your spouse decide to receive it reject it without any comment from you. No matter what they say back, even if they say nothing, stay committed to implementing this strategy of appreciation daily.

Your relationship is worth this simple daily task. Make a commitment and do it. And let us know how it turns out for you.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Do you want to experience relational healing and restoration?

Do you want to strengthen communication and connection?

Then this is the perfect event for you!

Couples will learn, experience and practice the application of powerful Biblical Truth as Roy and Devra share their real and humorous relationship stories.  With other couples, enjoy discovering the way forward in common challenges of relationships with exciting sessions including:

• Doing Life Together Forever
• Creating a Lifelong Marriage
• Speaking and Hearing Truth
• Forgiveness and Reconciliation
• Stress-Less Living
• Healthy Expectations
• Courageous Conversations
• Sex, Love and Romance
• Relationships God’s Way

September 16, 2017

$50 per couples

West Houston Church of Christ

17100 West Rd Houston, TX 77095

Register Now

We challenged her to take action in a number of areas in her marriage. We encouraged her to have the courageous conversations with him that she has been avoiding, to find one thing to appreciate about him daily, to take advantage of the four most important moments of the day, to do the things they used to do that helped them first like and then love each other, and to take time out of her day every day to pray for him.

After some discussion, she made several commitments. We met again once week for several weeks by phone and she began to report about how her husband was changing. She was amazed by how he was changing, without ever talking to us. According to her, he was stepping up to be the leader in the family for which she had been waiting. When we asked about what made the difference, she said, “I began praying for him every day. I think God was changing me as much as He was changing him”.

What Prayer Changes

We have witnessed this before in our lives and in the lives of countless spouses with whom we have worked. There is something incredibly powerful about praying for your spouse. When you pray for your spouse:

1. God changes your heart. Consistently praying for your spouse brings you new eyes through which to see the situation. As you voice your prayers to God, your heart turns toward your spouse. (I Cor 10:24; James 5:16; Matt 5:44-45)
2. God changes your marriage. Be ready and expect change. Accessing the ultimate power source in the universe to help your marriage is dangerous if you really do not want change. It may not change the marriage the way you want but it will change the marriage toward one that God can bless. (John 15:7; John 14:13; Phil 4:6)
3. God changes your relationship with Him. There is no way to talk to God every day and not move toward Him. As you speak your prayer, He will also be speaking to you and bringing you closer to Him. (Phil 4:6,7; John 15:7; 1 John 1:9; 1 Peter 3:12)

If you do not know what or how to pray for your spouse, please contact us as we would love to work with you. We challenge you to pray for your spouse for 30 days and let us know what happened to you and your relationship!

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

“All I wanted was for Lisa to give me some support.”  Cindy made that call to the attorney’s office who’s sales focused incoming calls receptionist talked her into a face to face, no obligation, free meeting with them to learn more about it.  During the appointment, the divorce attorney’s staff focused on the problems in the marriage and encouraged her to proceed with signing them as her representation just in case things ever proceeded.

By the time Cindy called our office, she had provided the divorce attorney’s office with a $5,000 retainer check and moved half of the family’s assets into accounts where her husband, Stan, could not have access to them.  “I never meant for my call to the attorney’s office to end up in divorce.  I was just calling to find out information about the cost of a divorce.  But over the visit, they talked me into it.  I wish I’d have never made that call.”

It is sad to report that the $50 billion annual US divorce industry is reaking havoc on families.  Do not be fooled.  Their interest is in supporting their bottom line not helping you or your family.  But Cindy did not call an attorney first.  She simply shared her unhappy marriage with her best friend.

Are my friends bad for my relationship?

Friends are great.  W like having friends.  Friends are there to support us through thick or thin.  They have “got my back” and are supportive of us no matter what.  They usually will tell us what they think we want to hear instead of what we need to hear.  They are almost always going to agree with us and be on our side when anyone comes against us.  That is why friends are so great for us.

Those are the very reasons why friends rate at the very top on our list of places where you should never ask for relationship advice.  Friends are so focused on helping and supporting us that they usually give advice that pushes us further away from our spouse.  That is why friend’s advice about our marriage struggles are usually so bad for us.

Some common lines from friends that tear at the relationship and add to the problem instead of working toward resolutions and restoration include:

“He did what?”

“You need to get a backbone and shut that stuff down.”

“You have to be kidding.  No way.”

“I would never let anyone say that kind of thing to me.”

“You have to do something about that.”

“I read where that is a tell-tell sign of an affair.”

“She needs to know you are the king and your house is your kingdom.”

“Your spouse is treating you worse than a dog.”

“If you don’t do something about that its just going to get worse.”

“No one should have to put up with that stuff.”

“Dude, man up.”

“You need to hire a private detective.”

“If you were dating, I’d tell you to break up ASAP.”

Our best friends are there to support us.  Their response to our struggles in our relationship are meant to support us and make us feel like we have someone on our side.  Their goal is not to strengthen the relationship.  That is why most relationship advice from friends is not good advice, and frequently causes more harm than good.

If my friend’s advice is so bad for my marriage, where else can I go for help?

In over one hundred couples weekends, retreats and seminars, we have encouraged couples to find someone they can talk to about their marriage relationship when things get tough.  We encourage couples to look for someone who can impartially focus on how to improve the relationship.  We tell couples to find the following help now, before you actually need to give them a call.

First choice, find a married Christian couple who you can trust to talk to.  Find what we call “Marriage Veterans”, a couple who has been doing life together for a couple of decades or more.  If you can find a couple who are Marriage Veterans that you both agree to meet with, make sure you only meet with them together or with the same gender spouse.  Husbands should meet together or with the couple, and wives should meet together or with the couple.  Make sure that they know you are welcoming of their words of encouragement.

Second choice, find a marriage minister, pastor or Christian counselor who you can trust to talk to.  If you are not involved in a community of faith, you are missing out on the support of other couples who desire to do life together forever.  Check with your trusted friends and family to see which area minister they recommend and call and make an appointment before you need help.  Go meet them in person before you ever need them.  You never know what supportive words they may be able to give you to help your marriage stay strong for the future.

Third choice, find a supportive marriage champion you can connect to via skype, phone and other social media.  Read their articles, blogs, website, etc. to make sure that they value the same values you do.  Connect with them and request their assistance at any time you need them in the future.

It is our experience that too many couples wait until the damage is severe to request assistance.  By having some support for your marriage before you need it, you will hopefully reach out and get the help you need sooner which can lead to reconciliation and restoration.

If we can ever be of any assistance, you can find us online at www.LifeTogetherForever.com or 281-949-8115.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

For decades, research focused on why mothers are central to children. It is a no-brainer that moms play a critical role in parenting and child development. Sometimes single moms tell us that they are “the mother and the father.” They may be doing double duty, but mom cannot replace dad. In the past few decades research has revealed that “father need” is as central to children as “mother need.”

Child outcomes are significantly different when Dad is in the home and engaged with their child. While many people who have grown up without a father have beat the statistical odds and are great people, children who have an actively involved father in their lives are:

• Less likely to become obese
• Less likely to live in poverty
• More likely to achieve academic potential
• Less likely to have behavioral problems in school
• Less likely to be involved in the juvenile justice system
• Less likely to be a teen parent
• More likely to graduate from high school and attend college
• Less likely to engage in violence
• Less likely to be incarcerated as an adult
• More likely to be a better man himself

Dads make a difference by working on their marriage and moving toward their spouse. The greatest gift a father can give their children is to love their mother.   Dads make a difference when they engage in play, discipline, faith development, and encouragement. Dads make a difference when they are involved in their child’s educational and social worlds.

Roy has written a curriculum for expectant and new fathers titled “Full Throttle Into Fatherhood” which has been presented in Carenet Pregnancy Centers and Juvenile Justice Facilities. You can learn more about this effective curriculum in the store.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Stuck In A Pattern Of Interacting

Like every one of the three hundred plus couples we have taken through the Marriage Intensive, Heather and Joe were stuck in a negative pattern of interaction. Joe felt like he was not important or valued in the marriage as he experienced her unavailability for conversation, time together, affection, and physical intimacy.

Heather felt like she was not enough as a woman and not good enough as a wife and mother as she experienced any un-affirming remark he made as criticism of anything that she had done to take care of their young children and the domestic chores of the home.

As the intensive progressed, each discovered something about their spouse. Their actions were sending unintended messages to their spouse that they were totally unaware of.

She heard: “I’m not good enough”

He heard: “I’m not important and have no value”

Negative Patterns of Interaction

When couples become stuck in negative patterns of interaction, there are consequences to the marriage.

1. Communication Stops – The painful interaction with your spouse keeps you from beginning a new interaction. You try to protect yourself by not engaging your spouse.
2. Issues Unresolved – Because you are no longer talking to each other, simple issues in the marriage are not addressed and stay unresolved.
3. Aggression – In response to the pain you feel, you lash out at your spouse with arguments, yelling, threats of divorce, or sarcastic, cutting remarks.
4. Withdrawal – In an effort to protect yourself from being emotionally hurt by your spouse, you spend less time together and when you are together you ignore your spouse.
5. No Connection – Without interaction, you have no opportunity to develop emotional connection. When there is not connection of hearts, there will soon be no physical connection.
6. Sharing a Roof – Before long you are sharing a roof together but not sharing a life together. The relationship is stale and dead.
7. Broken Trust – One or both of you begin to find your emotional and physical connection needs outside of the marriage.
8. Divorce – The devastation and pain of broken trust leads one of you to separate from your spouse, contact a divorce attorney, and begin the burial process of an already dead marriage.

Hope

During the Marriage Intensive, Heather and Joe’s eyes were opened to how they were wounding each other. Each was able to see how the pain they were causing their spouse had its roots in their spouse’s earlier wound. Something that had happened much earlier in their spouse’s life was unconsciously impacting their marriage. Their spouse’s old wound was the reason why their actions were causing them to interpret their interaction in such a painful way.

As each witnessed the healing exercise of their spouse’s old wound, they began to have empathy and tenderness for them. Instead of operating from a place of defensiveness and blame, they were each able to begin to operate from a place of understanding. This led to their ability to think about their marriage in a different way.

Each of them, with our help, developed individual unilateral commitments to a plan to begin a new pattern of interaction. Over the next several months as they implemented the plan, they broke the negative pattern of interaction, collaboratively solved issues as they came up, felt new and deeper emotional connection with each other, and began having the most satisfying sexual relationship in their history together.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.