Join Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of The Secret to Lifetime Love at
Saturday, February 13, 2016
6:00-8:00 PM
ChristBridge Fellowship
29510 Tomball Pkwy Tomball, TX 77375
Dinner & Entertainment only $30 Per Couple
To register, email [email protected]
Childcare available if pre-registered before Feb 11 for 10yrs and under for $5 per child.
What is a Courageous Conversation?
A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.
(This is part 4 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).
It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.
What is a Courageous Conversation?
A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.
(This is part 3 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).
It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.
What is a Courageous Conversation?
A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.
(This is part 2 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).
It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.
Too many couples have called us over the years in despair at the eleventh hour asking for help. Frequently when we meet with the couple in our office for a full day Marriage Intensive, what we learn is that they have unresolved issues that neither is willing to have a conversation about. The thing that is in their way, (usually because it elicits one or more of the Marriage Killers) is fear. They are afraid to have any in depth conversation around issues in their lives.
(this is part 1 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations)
The Power of Fear
Fear has so much power. When it is around, we usually get stuck. We become paralyzed and fail to act. We stop and hide. We run away from the issue as fast as we can. Fear debilitates us and moves us away from each other instead of toward each other.
We were near the end of an incredibly long Marriage Intensive day with Kurt and Cassandra. Kurt discovered that how he was treating Cassandra was based upon something from his childhood. He had just completed making a number of commitments that we believed would begin to create the marriage that they both wanted: a God-centered marriage. He was committed to being held accountable to the changes in weekly accountability follow up coaching calls.
When it was Cassandra’s chance to make commitments that would help them, she said, “I truthfully don’t believe I need to change anything. I need to see if he is really going to change before I put myself out there to make any changes.” According to her, he had a history of not being willing to make change and she was having a hard time believing he was actually going to begin making the changes to which he had committed.
Every spouse experiences this frustration at some point in the marriage.
Daniel was struggling with his frustrating marriage. He loved his wife, but was so disappointed in her. She did not fold his clothes in a way that limited wrinkles. Her cooking skills consisted of the same three meals. She never wanted to go out and dance or listen to live music, like they had in their dating years. “Its like she just doesn’t want to be a good wife at all.”
Disappointment is a Part of Marriage
It is so frustrating to be continually disappointed. All spouses experience disappointment at some time during their marriage.
From early preschool days, boys and girls begin developing expectations of marriage. What we experience in the home we grow up in, what we see in our friends homes, our experiences those we date, our family and friend’s relational experiences, our culture, our beliefs and world view, and our experience of our spouse from our earliest interaction all impact what we expect in our marriage.
Is it any wonder that two people who love each other would have such different ideas about how to love the other?
Why Our Expectations are Dashed
There are huge differences between men and women when discussing the concept of emotional intimacy. To most women, it usually means sharing secret things of the heart, talking things over, and affection such as cuddling.
There was a long running beer commercial where a man was alone out in nature, fishing or hunting, and as he opened his drink he would proclaim, “It just doesn’t get any better than this.” But most men would disagree. It could get a lot better, if his wife would join him and enthusiastically share in the activity.
Men are bent toward action and they feel emotionally connected when doing things together. Husbands feel closest to their wives when they are working together on landscaping, going to see a movie, enjoying a recreational activity. According to William F. Harley Jr., (His Needs Her Needs) “Spending recreational time with his spouse is second only to sex for the typical husband. “
Couples Who Play Together Stay Together
The change process most change specialists teach is
Many change specialists will tell you the barriers that you can expect. Common barriers include: not uncovering the motivation for change, not setting SMART goals, not making your goals habitual, not telling others about it, not practicing good accountability, not celebrating milestones, and not giving yourself grace. Even with all of these barriers, there seems to be one that lurks in the shadows that almost all change specialists neglect or overlook.
The Hidden Barrier
Shirley, married for 19 years, called in a panic.
“I’m sick and tired of Dan not changing. Year after year he makes promises and while he has gotten better, he is still not the Christian man I deserve to be married to. I think it’s time I gave him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t change this year, I’m going to have to leave him. I’ve already talked to my daughter and my Mom and they said they will support me through this.”
Shirley is like many of the unhappy spouses we meet in our Marriage Intensives. It is rare that we do not find that one or both spouses is blaming all of the marriage struggles on the other. The false belief is that if the other spouse will change, the marriage will be happy. Shirley brought Dan to the Marriage Intensive so that “the experts” could agree with her and tell Dan to change.
Blinded By Your Spouse’s Faults