James and Sara came to a Marriage Intensive after thirteen years of marriage. She felt like she did not have a voice anymore in the marriage and that he would not listen to her. He felt like she did not put any effort into the relationship and would rather spend time with her friends than with him.
Near the end of the first hour, it was obvious what had happened. As soon as they married, they stopped doing the things that made them fall in love in the first place. No more dates. No more long conversations discovering each other. No more checking in with each other about what is going on in their worlds.
Over time, in the absence of emotional connection, they began to shut down. Not doing the things that connects your hearts leads to a barrenness and absence of warmth. Lack of heart connection is the foundation for negative interaction. The longer the lack of connection, the more frequent and intense the pattern of negative interaction.
We believe that almost every broken trust in a marriage can be traced back to a pattern of negative interaction that started with disconnection of the heart.
Five Questions That Will Connect Your Hearts
We encouraged James and Sara to begin asking each other these five questions every day.
- How are you really doing?
- What are you worried about?
- What can I do to help you this week?
- What can I pray for you this week?
- What are you excited about?
Why These Questions Connect Hearts
- Daily Connection – These questions provide an opportunity to talk about something other than your last argument, or home logistics, or the budget, etc.
- We-ness – With these questions you have an opportunity to build what we call “we-ness”. By listening to what your spouse is sharing, you are helping them feel like it is you two against the world.
- Openness – As each of you share the answers to these questions, you will open up your heart to reveal what is going on inside. That revelation and vulnerability is like a magnet, attracting your spouse to you.
- Increases Loving Feeling – Openness and sharing increases emotional connectedness or intimacy which leads to more physical touch, affection, desire to be with each other, and sexual attraction toward each other.
What do you have to say?
We love to hear from readers. Has your marriage ever been in a pattern of negative interaction? What have you tried? How do you connect with your spouse’s heart? What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?
This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2016. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.