Category Archives: Before You Divorce

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How Fear Is Keeping You From Having A Great Marriage

A recent email to us read, “…I’m miserable in my marriage. When I read your email … it sounds like you want me to do everything… but my wife doesn’t want to change… I’m afraid if I do some of the things you recommend that it will make things worse. I think the same thing will happen if we get a Marriage Intensive… I don’t know what to do…”

Fear Is Paralyzing

For far too many spouses, what our friend wrote is so true. There are so many spouses who want to make their marriages healthy and strong. When they are given specific actions steps to take to create the marriage of their highest hopes and dreams, they sit on the sideline doing nothing. They are afraid that taking action to create the marriage they really want will create more of the same or make things worse.

Fear keeps good spouses from making great marriages in these ways:

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Surprising Ways You Are Unconsciously Defensive

At birth, babies are rather defenseless. Babies are incapable of telling us about any pains the are experiencing. They do not tell us that their stomach is hurting and that is why they are crying. They are totally defenseless from attacks by other humans, nature, or animals. As a child, you were dependent upon your parents to defend you from attack as you were incapable of defending yourself.

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. Proverbs 15:1 (Message)

Born With Limited Defenses

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Remarrying Your Ex

Barnard and Shelley called for help in their relationship. He is the CEO of a mid-sized privately held fortune 500 company. She is an established attorney who has achieved praise from professionals across a broad spectrum of professional organizations. Their career achievements make them one of the highest powered couples we’ve ever worked with.

But they weren’t asking us to keep their marriage together. A few years ago, following a public affair and following advice of family and friends, they divorced. Since then they have continued to be cordial to each other in the co-parenting of their three children, who live with Shelley full time in the house they purchased together almost fifteen years prior.

Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we’re a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth. Ephesians 7:1 (Message)

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The Shocking Effect of Divorce On Children

While not all children of divorce fit these statistics, it is important to realize the uphill battle children of any age will face when their parents divorce.  Before you decide to divorce, consider the impact on your children.  Why not try one last effort to turn it around with one of our Marriage Intensives?

The Effect of Divorce On Children

‘For I, the God of Israel, hate divorce! I, the Commander of heavenly armies, despise it when people wrap themselves in violence like a garment. So guard yourselves; be true to your wife and not unfaithful.’ Malachi 2:16 NIV
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How To Have The Courageous Conversation You Marriage Needs (part 4)

What is a Courageous Conversation?

A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.

(This is part 4 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).

It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.

‘“Be strong and courageous…” I Chronicles 21:13

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How To Have The Courageous Conversation Your Marriage Needs (part 3)

What is a Courageous Conversation?

A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.

(This is part 3 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).

It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.

‘“Be strong and courageous…” Deuteronomy 31:7b

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How To Have The Courageous Conversation Your Marriage Needs (part 2)

What is a Courageous Conversation?

A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.

(This is part 2 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).

It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.

‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

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When You Wait On Your Spouse to Change

We were near the end of an incredibly long Marriage Intensive day with Kurt and Cassandra. Kurt discovered that how he was treating Cassandra was based upon something from his childhood. He had just completed making a number of commitments that we believed would begin to create the marriage that they both wanted: a God-centered marriage. He was committed to being held accountable to the changes in weekly accountability follow up coaching calls.

When it was Cassandra’s chance to make commitments that would help them, she said, “I truthfully don’t believe I need to change anything. I need to see if he is really going to change before I put myself out there to make any changes.” According to her, he had a history of not being willing to make change and she was having a hard time believing he was actually going to begin making the changes to which he had committed.

Every spouse experiences this frustration at some point in the marriage.

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Five Signs That It’s You That Needs to Change

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Shirley, married for 19 years, called in a panic.

“I’m sick and tired of Dan not changing. Year after year he makes promises and while he has gotten better, he is still not the Christian man I deserve to be married to. I think it’s time I gave him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t change this year, I’m going to have to leave him. I’ve already talked to my daughter and my Mom and they said they will support me through this.”

Shirley is like many of the unhappy spouses we meet in our Marriage Intensives. It is rare that we do not find that one or both spouses is blaming all of the marriage struggles on the other. The false belief is that if the other spouse will change, the marriage will be happy. Shirley brought Dan to the Marriage Intensive so that “the experts” could agree with her and tell Dan to change.

Blinded By Your Spouse’s Faults

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How To Call Time Out Unilaterally

This is part 5 of a 5 part series on Time Outs excerpted from our book, “The Secret to Lifetime Love”.

What if you need to take a Time Out because you are triggered or you are seeing the person in front of you is triggered? What should you do if they have not been trained how to take a time out. This is the last post in our series on what to do when you are the only one trained in how to take a Time Out.

If I Need To Take A Time Out But The Other Person Has Not Read This Book