Speakers, Authors & Christian Marriage & Relationship CoachesCreating The Marriage You Want – Speakers, Authors & Christian Marriage & Relationship Coaches

Seven Itches In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Thu, 30 Nov 2017 11:00:13 +0000

It’s common to confuse an itch with a scratch. But there is a huge difference between an itch and a scratch.

An itch is a sensation that causes a desire to scratch. It is not action, but rather merely there. It is the desire to do or get something.

A scratch, on the other hand, is action in response to an itch. The focus of the action of scratching is to eliminate the itch.

A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out. Prov. 25:28 (MSG)

When you scratch an itch does it usually go away, or get stronger?

The problem with scratching is that it usually makes the itch bigger, louder, stronger and more present. According to Washington University’s Center for the Study of Itch, scratching causes the brain to release your “happy hormone” serotonin, which actually makes the itch worse.

When we scratch an itch, we engage it and the scratch actually makes the itch worse.

Here are seven itches (desires) that all marriages have.

Fight to win the argument. Scratching this itch leaders to arguing beyond all reason including calling our spouses names and insulting them and people important to them.
Withdraw, hide and ignore. When this itch is scratched, we move away from our spouse and any ability to resolve a conflict or become more emotionally connected. It becomes easier to do next time.
Talk bad about our spouse to other people. Scratching this itch leads to “support” from others that separates us further from our spouse. Instead of doing the hard thing and having a conversation with our spouse about the issue, the “good” feeling we get from talking to a friend is the path we begin choosing over and over again.
Keep a secret from our spouse. When this itch is scratched, we find that we need to increasingly lie to prevent our spouse from finding out. A secret in one area of our relationship makes it easier to keep secrets in other areas of our relationship. This “one little secret” affects how we relate to our spouse, even if we do not realize it.
Put other people and things above our marriage. Scratching this itch puts a wedge between you and your spouse. Your recreational needs, family, new best friend, hobby, children, volunteer activities, etc. should play second fiddle to your marriage needs. Only your relationship with God should come before your marriage relationship.
Blame someone else and do not accept responsibility. When you scratch this itch, it becomes the go to response to any issue brought up by your spouse. You didn’t do it. Someone else did. You wouldn’t have done it if your spouse hadn’t _________. You had no choice. Or you simply counter accuse your spouse with a laundry list of items or issues you would like them to change.
Focus our sexual attention outside the relationship. Scratching the itch to look, gaze, click, etc. grows into an unfulfilling obsession leading to lack of sexual satisfaction in our marriage and infidelity at different levels.

“We must be able to say no to ourselves in the name of a higher yes.” – Abraham Joshua Heschel in Between God and Man.

Not scratching an itch takes self-control. It takes being able to say “no” to our desires in an effort to reach a higher “yes” to building the marriage relationship we desire. Not scratching requires putting up with discomfort and denying a temporary desire in order to achieve a long-term lifetime love. It means giving up a positive temporary feeling now in order to gain a longer lasting joy over time.

As the Hebrew writer told us “At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely…” (Prov. 12:11 MSG).

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2017. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at Secret@LifeTogetherForever.com.

Six Things You Need To Do About Chore Problems In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 11:00:50 +0000

We do not know anyone who loves to do chores. But they have to get done. And with most couples who come to us for help, chores seems to be part of the discussion. One feels like the other hardly ever helps, or does not keep their end of the delegated chores or spends too much time doing them instead of connecting with their spouse. Sometimes the issue is that the one doing the chores is being regularly criticized instead of appreciated for doing them.

“For each will have to bear his own load” Galations 6:5 ESV

If you are in a long-term committed relationship and you are arguing about chores, you are not alone. According to numerous reports, 1 in 5 couples have serious “dust ups” about chores in their marriage. And about two thirds of wives and more than half of husbands in one survey believe that they do many more chores than their spouse.

We have found that one of the common reasons for relationship struggles around chores is that expectations around chores are not communicated. If you are frequently having your expectations around chores blown, make sure that you have communicated your expectations to your spouse in a way that they understand what you are requesting.

Lisa and Dan were struggling so much in their marriage that they came in for a Marriage Intensive. Dan felt like Lisa did not love him anymore and that he really did not matter to her because she seemed to never show any affection or companionship to him. Lisa felt like Dan did not appreciate her duties as a mother and wife in managing the household. When Dan was home in the evenings she was busy with chores and when it was bed time she was fatigued from a busy day of child rearing and house cleaning.

As we began to discuss divvying up the chore list, Lisa interrupted with “I don’t believe in chore lists. I can get it all done.” We discussed how that was not working well in her life in her efforts to build the marriage she really wanted and encouraged her to try a new way for about 60-90 days with a chore chart. She agreed and their marriage continues to grow intentionally toward what they have always dreamed.

Although rare, we occasionally find couples who are stuck in the 1950s chore delegation system. They believe strongly that some chores are BLUE chores while others are PINK chores (Thanks Nate and Cassie Saffle for naming these). That is they believe men should do certain chores and women should do certain chores. The problem with that type of thinking is that no two spouses grew up in the same home. Our expectations about BLUE chores and PINK chores come from the homes where we were raised. So conflicts arise out of our expectations of the 1950’s chore delegation system.

After moving through most of the major family life cycle phases, we believe the most important thing you can do to reduce your frustrations around chores is to negotiate and renegotiate the chore chart. What works in one phase of the family cycle may not work in another phase. Having hard conversations periodically about chores will help prevent your marriage from ending up like Lisa and Dan’s.

Follow these steps to decrease arguments around chores in your marriage:

Schedule a time to discuss chores with your spouse.
Complete the Chore List Discussion Sheet and ask your spouse to do the same before the time you are scheduled to meet. Notice that some chores listed may not apply to you while other chores that are important to you are not listed. Use the blank spaces to list chores that are unique to your life.
Discover where you are in agreement.
Negotiate where you are not in agreement with the goal of trying out a new chore list for a maximum of ninety days. Each of you should commit to chores that you do not want to do in order to reach a fair compromise in the chore list. Remember that your goal is to build the marriage you both want so keep the long-term goal in mind every step.
Discuss expectations around individual chores, such as frequency and other expectations.
Schedule when you will meet again to review how things are going. Usually it is the length of the temporary commitments.

Let us know how it works for you. And if you have any ideas around chores that might help other couples, share them here so others can read!

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Make this holiday great for your marriage!

roylovesdev — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 11:00:00 +0000

Holidays are a stressful time for couples and families. Negative patterns of interaction grow exponentially as almost all communication becomes focused on the tasks of the holiday. Frequently feelings are hurt in the mix and there are long periods of negative emotions and energy.

But now faith, hope, and love remain; these three virtues must characterize our lives. The greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13 (Voice)

Make This Holiday Weekend Better

Turn your relationships around during the holidays by implementing these tips for making memories!

Pray together. Take a few moments every day to hear your spouse pray and pray with them.
Be thankful for all the positive things about your spouse. Make a list of what you appreciate about your spouse. Share at least one of them with your spouse.
Turn off or remove devices and television. Focus on the people in front of you. Ask open ended questions and help them tell stories about what is going on in their world. Share a brief story about what is going on in yours.
Be present. Take time to check in with your self. Are you fully aware of your immediate environment? What do you see, hear, taste, smell and touch? Try to refocus any thoughts of the past or future back to the present.
Give those speaking to you full body attention. Turn toward them. Look at their face when they are spooking. Listen as if you might be tested later and ask questions that help them tell their story.
Make time for just the two of you. Take a walk. Go for a drive. Enjoy a cup of coffee away from everyone else. Take a one-hour date and talk about your best memories together since this time last year.

We pray God will bless you through this long holiday weekend with deep connection, peace and joy!

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

4 Most Important Moments In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 11:00:45 +0000

Four moments seems like such a short amount of time. Yet if you take advantage of the opportunities within these four moments, you will have the power to create the life together forever you have always wanted. Four moments out of every day are the most powerful to moving toward each other, instead of against or away from each other.

You improve your marriage by intentionally using the 4 most important relationship moments every day.

These four moments are powerful in and of themselves. They are affecting your marriage whether you are being intentional about them or not. You are probably not using them intentionally, which probably means they are being wasted, neglected or negatively impacting your marriage.

We challenge you to take advantage of the power within these four moments for one full week and watch what begins to happen in your spouse and within you… to strengthen a good marriage or repair a struggling marriage.

First Waking Moment. The first moment you are both awake has great power for how you greet the day. The choices you make in welcoming your spouse to a new day can send them into their day feeling positive and connected. We may not be able to control how we awaken, but we choose how we first connect with the one we are committed to doing life together forever with.
Last Moment Before Departing. Whether we are saying goodbye for a busy day as a stay-home spouse or a full day in the business world, how we send our spouse into their busy day can set them up for a day of positive feelings about our relationship and about us or a day of negative feelings about us.
First Moment Reuniting. No matter how crazy our day has been, the first moment we see our spouse after being apart for the day is powerful for brining our hearts closer together and reducing the stress of the day. Decide before you see your spouse how you will great them as your reunite in the home.
Last Waking Moment. How we say goodnight has a great power of our feeling as we prepare for a good night’s rest. Whatever the last moment is that both of you are awake at the same time is an opportunity to share your heart with each other.

If you are not in the practice of using these four moments intentionally, the first few attempts will seem strange and uncomfortable. Couples who use these four moments intentionally to improve their relationship have a high degree of marital success compared to couples who do not. And using these four moments intentionally does not require the consent of your spouse. You can take full use of these four moments unilaterally, without telling your spouse you are doing it, and they will significantly impact your marriage relationship.

Use these powerful four moments to connect. Share. Hug. Appreciate. Kiss. Praise. Touch. Bless. Embrace. Listen. Snuggle. Thank. Understand. Wish well. Desire. Laugh. Talk. Join together. Love!

Implement them for one full week and let us know how it worked out for you.

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We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

Be Intentional and Create The Marriage You Want

roylovesdev — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 11:00:14 +0000

One of the most surprising findings of our work with thousands of couples over the years is that it only takes one spouse to change a marriage. One spouse can go outside of the marriage for something they have not created and developed in their marriage sabotaging any hope for their future together. One spouse can meet with a divorce industry attorney and file in courage. One spouse alone can end the marriage.

You have incredible power to create the change in your marriage you desire.

And one spouse can move their marriage from stuck to hopeful, from dysfunctional to healthy, from ungodly to what God always meant for us. Countless spouses who thought the end was near revived their marriage unilaterally. They began taking action to create the relationship they wanted without demanding their spouse change first.

You may ask, “how does that work?” or “can that really happen?” Not only can it happen, it does. Not only can it work, but it in the overwhelming number of cases we have witnessed it works well. According to the most in depth research on healthy marriages by John Gottman, Ph.D. with over 3,000 couples and three decades of observation, one of the most important determinants of whether a couple will make it or not is whether or not they are doing the things we will recommend in the next several posts.

And it is not a list of actions that you might think. There are no requirements to confront your spouse, install a tracking device, demand counseling services, have sex for 40 days in a row, pray more intently, or become a door mat to be walked upon. No, these are actions that when one spouse alone implements, their marriage and their spouse begins to change. The fire is rekindled and the flame is much hotter. Couples who have lost that loving feeling have found it again in a new way. And the negative pattern of interacting becomes broken. Couples begin to fall into like and love with each other again.

When you read these actions, you may think, “that is just common sense”. But if it were really common, you would already be doing them… and so would most other couples. But according to research, the couples who do them live life together forever while the couples who don’t begin living parallel lives, become lonely and eventually divorce.

Your intentional relationship building activity will be effective when you become laser focused on your heart’s desire for a lifelong marriage with your spouse.

You must commit to doing these things with or without response from your spouse. The “tit-for-tat” approach where you only do for your spouse after they have done for you will not work. If you do for your spouse and then wait to see if they do for you, you will likely not be successful in changing your marriage. It will require a considerable amount of time in order to change a long pattern of negativity. You must commit to engage in these actions with our without your spouse’s responsiveness.

You have incredible power to create the change in your marriage you desire. You do not have to tell your spouse to change. You do not have to “train” your spouse and change them (you really cannot change your spouse anyway). Your intentional relationship building activity will be effective when you become laser focused on your heart’s desire for a lifelong marriage with your spouse.

Follow this blog as we unveil specific intentional marriage activities over the next several posts that one spouse can unilaterally take that will change your marriage relationship for good.

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We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

Get The Affection Back In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Mon, 06 Nov 2017 11:00:27 +0000

A recent call from a 32 year old wife in a five year old marriage. “Why is it that my husband showed me a lot of PDA (public display of affection) in our beginning of our relationship but is reluctant to do it now?”

The most powerful sex organ is the brain. Within the brain we are finding the answer to this very important question that is a common problem within most relationships.

Our brain secretes a “chemical cocktail of love” that leads to a high level of romantic feelings and behaviors. The cocktail consists of dopamine, nor-epinephrine, phenylethylamin and oxytocin which frequently is mistaken for love but is really infatuation…like puppy-love, lust, or “the flutters”.

During this part of our relationship we frequently do not think clearly as our emotions are fully engaged. We will frequently fail to see our partner’s less than attractive qualities… you know the ones that your sister, mother or best friends tell you about. Our logical, reasoning and rational part of the brain plays second string to the emotional part of our brain. This leads to poor financial and relational decisions.

We also frequently have a increased libido and our romantic feelings are high. We will experience negative emotions, even pain, when we are not around our partner for a long period of time during this period.

It is interesting that most people have a window of between 6-24 months where the brain is flooded with these emotions. What happens at that point is that the chemicals in our brain actually reset to baseline levels. And for many of us, we wonder if we have “fallen out of love” or “picked the wrong one”. When the brain resets, the thinking, logical and thinking part of the brain takes the lead again and we begin to see traits and behaviors in our partner that we have never noticed before.

One of the sad things about people who are clueless about the chemical cocktail of love is that they frequently end their relationship when the brain’s chemicals reset. In a short period of time, the brain is reactivated as they meet a new potential mate. They end up moving through a series of relationships never finding the “right one”.

The reason your spouse is less affectionate than when you first met is probably because the chemical cocktail of love is not activated at this time. It is probably not you or that he doesn’t love you, but you can do something about it, to reactivate that loving feeling.

Researchers tell us that the following activities can bring back the loving feeling and reactivate the chemical cocktail of love with your spouse.

Having regular or frequent sex
Do hobbies/activities together
Date regularly
Open up and share feelings
Get rid of negative feelings anywhere in your life through forgiveness
Use “Speaking and Hearing the Truth” to talk through conflict areas
Guard special time weekly just for the two of you
Initiate affection
Be open to experience new things together
Take care of health…sleep and eat well
Know them. Learn their newest list of favorites.
Support their decisions
Talk well about them to others.
Tell them what you are thankful for.
Ask for help if you need it…seek a veteran couple of marriage, marriage mentor, pastor, or counselor if it may be helpful.

Let us know what you have done to turn back on the chemical cocktail of love.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

Dashed Expectations In Your Marriage

roylovesdev — Fri, 03 Nov 2017 11:00:43 +0000

It is amazing to us how many times husbands and wives are sitting in our offices and learn for the first time something about their spouse. Some have been married years and never knew that when she does this, he feels that… or that it always makes her feel the same negative way when he does that.

It makes sense to us that blown expectations is a huge part of the negative pattern of interactions that couples in struggle find themselves experiencing. One of the biggest “aha”s for us in our work with couples over the years is the huge number of times that the offended spouse has never communicated the expectation to the offending spouse. That is, when one spouse expects the other to do something that has never been communicated and is emotionally frustrated, hurt or sad when it does not happen.

Unspoken expectations are unhealthy expectations.

When we make a commitment in marriage to each other, we bring with us expectations about how we will do life together. Our expectations are developed over a lifetime of watching how others do life… primarily our parents and our family of origin. We usually have expectations about who should do what and how it should be done in a number of areas of living including:

Chores
Budget
Sex
Parenting
In-law Relationships
Faith
Friend Involvement
Recreation
Career

We bring these expectations into our marriage with us. But once we are married, we too frequently stop getting to know each other like we began in the early days of our relationship. Our communication about our thoughts on key issues about how we should engage each other and our world together is non-existent. Then when we begin to live life together and our spouse fails to live up to our expectation in one or more areas, instead of talking about it, we usually feel hurt, sad, and/or angry. And we think it is all our spouse’s fault.

Even if we are able to get it all figured out early in our relationship, we frequently find ourselves struggling again later in our marriage. We are not the exact same person that our spouse married. We are more mature. Life has taught us a few more lessons. Strongly held opinions and expectations we once fought for have been replaced with wiser expectations. And we sometimes fail to think about how our spouse has also changed. So we end up being frustrated at our spouse’s failure to meet our expectations.

Not communicating your expectations about how to do life together sets your spouse up in “no-win” situations.

We encourage couples at any stage of their relationship to do the following:

Have a courageous conversation about the issue. Use your communication skills to listen to your spouse’s expectations around the issue as well as share your own.
Seek to find a win-win solution. Where are you close? What can you agree on? Is there a way to meet each of your goals.
Compromise to find a temporary solution. Try our your compromised solution for a time period to which you both agree. We like 30, 60, 90 day commitments.
Meet again to review how the trial period went.

Your spouse will never be able to meet your expectations if you do not share them. We hope you will try it out and let us know how it went. We are always looking for great ideas to help couples. If you have a topic or set of advice you would like to share, please let us know about it.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

Getting Through Tough Times Together

roylovesdev — Fri, 27 Oct 2017 11:00:33 +0000

Life is stressful. It is full of everyday little stressors and huge unexpected once-in-a-lifetime stressors. It has wonderfully exciting and “I can’t believe it” joy-filled stressors as well as little joys that also bring about unintended stressors. As long as we are living, we will experience stress.

According to the American Institute of Stress,

the annual costs to employers of stress related healthcare and missed wore was measured at $300 Billion in 2014.
77% of Americans regularly experience physical symptoms caused by stress.
73% of Americans regularly experience psychological symptoms caused by stress.
76% of Americans cited work as the leading cause of their stress.
54% of Americans reported stress has caused them to fight with people close to them.
48% of Americans reported lying awake at night due to stress.

Relationships Buffer Stress

Whether you are experiencing acute stress, chronic stress, distress or (happy) eustress, your relationship will make a huge difference in how you manage and adapt to the stress. There is a body or research that scientists have been studying since the mid 1980s that clearly shows relationships one of the most, if not the most, effective buffer to stress.

Three Ways Of Handling The Stress of Life

Let It Divide You – As you experience stressors of life, you can allow the challenge to turn you against each other. You can begin to see your spouse as the cause of the stress and blame your spouse. You can focus on your spouse as being the source of all of the negative affects of stress.
Let It Isolate You – As you experience stressors of life, you can move away from your spouse. You can allow it to be a secret that you keep from your spouse. You can expect that you spouse will not be supportive and not tell them. Or you can avoid your spouse and whatever it going on with them because you feel like you have enough stress of your own.
Tackle It Together – As you experience stressors of life, you can move toward your spouse. You can share the stress in your life and how it is affecting you with your spouse. You can move toward your spouse with comfort and a shared heart to help your spouse open up about their stress. You can work with each other to get through, whatever life throws at you, together.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

The Five Most Powerful Ways To Pursue Your Spouse

roylovesdev — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 11:00:18 +0000

Jackie and Kurt had fallen out of love. Seven years into the marriage, Jackie was focused on raising their two young children. Her energy was spent by the time Kurt walked in the door. Focused on his career, Kurt frequently worked late and was frustrated by the lack of appreciation for all he was doing to provide for the family.

When Jackie called to schedule the marriage intensive, she said, “I don’t think my husband loves me anymore.” When they arrived Kurt stated that he doubted if she loved or respected him anymore. The future of their marriage was in jeopardy.

Lost That Loving Feeling

Like so many young couples in the child-rearing years of marriage, Jackie and Kurt had unconsciously traded putting their energy toward building a passionate life-long marriage for providing for and parenting their children. Home management, budget, and chores replaced the things their pursuit of each other.

Your spouse wants to feel pursued.

Your spouse wants to be wooed.

Your spouse wants to believe you want them, and only them.

Your spouse wants to feel desired.

Five Ways To Pursue Your Spouse

Practice Responsibility – Review what your contribution to the current relationship issues are and take responsibility for it. Try out this phrase: “I take full responsibility for… and I apologize.” You can probably think of more than one thing you can give your spouse with this phrase.
Move Toward – Take advantage of the four most important moments of every day and make a move toward your spouse each moment. When they first wake up, before they leave for their out of the house activities, as they re-enter the house after their activities, and before they go to sleep. Give them a kind word and some form of physical connection every time.
Appreciate – Give your spouse some gratitude by telling them what it is that you most appreciate about them. Tell them what character qualities you love about them. Thank them for what they do that you appreciate about them.
Check In – Connect with them about their day and share about your day. Listen without giving advice or trying to help them. Create “we-ness” by letting your spouse know what is going on in your world outside of the house.
Date – Ask your spouse out on a date. Schedule it and coordinate childcare. It does not have to cost much or anything at all. Spend time together connecting without talking about the kids, money, chores, in-laws, or issues in the marriage. Let your spouse know that you love them and want them.

Jackie and Kurt completed the marriage intensive over five years ago. They are past the hard parenting and career building stage and are still practicing what they learned that day. They claim the most powerful thing that they are doing as they pursue each other is the Check In as it makes them both feel emotionally connected.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers. What other suggestions you would add to this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

Why Forgiveness Is So Hard

roylovesdev — Fri, 20 Oct 2017 11:00:03 +0000

Julie was angry when she called for a marriage intensive. After twelve years of marriage, she discovered her husband’s emotional affair with his coworker. The words he texted her were like knives piercing through her heart.

They attended a three day intensive with a another organization and thought they were ready to move on. He was upset that she was still bringing it up and could not believe they had spent so much money and she was “not over it yet”.

She said, “I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him”.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Before we look at how and why to forgive, we need to explain what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness does not mean:

The Behavior Is Pardoned – Just because you choose to forgive does not mean that your spouse’s actions that hurt you are excused or otherwise pardoned.
Trust Is Restored – Forgiveness and trust are two different processes. Trust takes two and builds over time. You need to separate your forgiveness from efforts to protect yourself from being hurt again.
Must Be Spoken – Forgiveness is not for your spouse. Forgiveness is for you. You do not have to tell your spouse that you forgive them. Their efforts to have you say such words to them is about them, not about you.
Reconciliation – You can choose to forgive your spouse even if you have not decided to pursue a future together. Forgiveness is important for reconciliation but you need to find forgiveness even if you never reconcile.
You Must Forget – You have no obligation to yourself to try to make the bad experience disappear from your memory. God did not make your brain to work that way and it is near impossible.
Your Relationship Is Repaired – Forgiving your spouse does not “let your spouse off the hook” for the hard work in the relationship necessary to build a new future together.

Why Forgiveness Is So Hard

There are several barriers to forgiveness. These are the things that get in the way of beginning your journey in forgiveness and keep you from the peace you hope to have in your heart.

Revenge – There is a piece of you that wants your spouse to hurt as bad as you hurt. You want them to feel the pain that they caused you. You may not want to do what they did to you but you want them to understand how it hurt you. You want them “in the dog house” until they feel your pain.
Power – You feel like this incident has put you in a place of power in the relationship and you are not ready to give it up. You are enjoying the “high horse” you are on.
Confused – You do not know what to do or how to go about beginning the process of forgiveness, starting the trust rebuilding process or beginning to create a new and better future together.
Anger – You enjoy the rush of adrenaline that anger provides you. Your anger is pushing you to do things that you have never done before, like exercising, developing a career plan, budgeting, etc.
Victim – You are beginning to get use to the victim role with your family and friends. You enjoy their sympathy and attention.
Friend’s Advice – You have shared the wounding event with your friends and family and now they are telling you to leave your spouse. You cannot find a way to get around the peer pressure to leave.

Put up with one another. Forgive. Pardon any offenses against one another, as the Lord has pardoned you, because you should act in kind. Colossians 3:13 (VOICE)

Why Forgive?

Living without forgiveness of the wrongs others have done to us is a choice to live with the weight of emotional pain. Hanging onto resentment hurts you as much or more than it does the person who wronged you. This is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

Forgiveness is about you. It is for you.

Forgiveness allows you to begin to create space in your heart for other emotions like peace and joy. Forgiveness frees you. It unburdens you from the weight of the pain that keeps you from enjoying life.

How To Forgive Even When It Seems Impossible

Decide to Forgive – Realize that you benefit most from moving toward forgiveness and that it is not about or for your spouse. Make a conscious decision that you want to have room in your heart for joy and peace again- and that you want to rid yourself of the resentment.
Accept The Wound – Move from disbelief to accepting the fact that the incident happened to you and how you felt about it. You must acknowledge that it happened and how it impacted you.
Discover the Growth – You not only survived the incident, you have grown from it. Come to terms with the fact that the experience has produced growth in you. Ask yourself what you have learned about yourself and your need for boundaries.
Broken Spouse – Even the saintliest person is flawed. Remind yourself that your spouse, like all humans, is a broken person. Their behavior that caused the pain was motivated by some deep need within them. They went about getting it in a very painful way that hurt you, your relationship and them. What was done was probably not done on purpose to hurt you.
Release the Pain – When you are ready, find an object that can represent the pain of the wound. It may be that you write all of what caused you the pain on paper. Perhaps you draw a picture. Maybe you purchase an object that can represent the pain. Whatever it is, destroy it. Beat it, burn it, bury it. Let the destruction symbolize your release of it from your heart.
Tell or Not Tell – Decide whether or not you tell your spouse that you have forgiven them. Remember that you are forgiving for yourself. The freedom forgiveness brings will be seen by your spouse whether you tell them or not. If you decide you will tell them, make sure you are clear that forgiveness does not mean you trust them fully now, or that the work in the relationship is complete, or that you will forget that it ever happened. It just means that you have room for peace in your life.

Franklin was hard to convince that a Marriage Intensive would be helpful after not being helped by another organization. However, Julie and Franklin met us for a full day marriage intensive and God did his work. She has found her inner peace and they are doing the things they need to be doing to build trust and a new relationship going forward.

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