Tag Archives: Marriage Help

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How the Silent Treatment is Killing Your Marriage

The “Silent Treatment” destroys the ability of spouses to communicate and resolve conflict.  That is why we have called it a “Marriage Killer”.  It is an expression of stonewalling.  Stonewalling is just as it sounds: anything we do that is building a stone wall between us and our spouse. Stonewalling means refusing to communicate or cooperate.

Stonewalling is common, although it takes many different forms. Slamming the door as you walk out of the room or pealing out as you leave the driveway. Using the “silent treatment” to be present and talk to everyone else except for the person with whom you are upset. It can look like diving into a book, your cell phone, electronic device like an iPad or laptop, or television. It can also look like hiding out in the “man-cave”, having to work late, or doing a lot of household chores.

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Marriage 911 Weekend

This relationship-restoring, educational workshop is designed to give couples immediate skills to start healing their troubled marriage. Marriage 911 is offered as an overnight mini-retreat for married couples who are distressed or facing divorce. It is designed for couples who have found conflicts difficult to resolve. This workshop focuses on the issue that lies beneath recurring conflicts creating feelings of insecurity and anxiety. This workshop will help couples to address those issues in new ways and renew feelings of security and hope in marriage.

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Your Friend’s Advice is Hurting Your Relationship

Cindy was sitting on the other side of the couch with tears running down her face.  “When I told my best friend Lisa about my unhappy marriage, she told me I should look into what it would cost for a divorce and handed me a phone number of the attorney she used.”

“All I wanted was for Lisa to give me some support.”  Cindy made that call to the attorney’s office who’s sales focused incoming calls receptionist talked her into a face to face, no obligation, free meeting with them to learn more about it.  During the appointment, the divorce attorney’s staff focused on the problems in the marriage and encouraged her to proceed with signing them as her representation just in case things ever proceeded.

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Why Change Is So Hard In A Relationship

Change is difficult!

Change is especially difficult in our most important relationships  You will find challenges in implementing a new way of interacting with each other over the issues that cause you and your spouse so much pain. It is normal for you to struggle with the change, and in fact it can be even more difficult to make the change stick.

You did not always know how to tie your shoelaces. In fact, there was a time when you did not know that you did not know how to tie your shoelaces. You were fine with not tying shoelaces. You were unconsciously incompetent at tying shoelaces.

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Before You Say “I’m Done” and Divorce

“I’M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD CALL YOU OR A DIVORCE LAWYER?”

The Marriage Intensive was developed for couples whose relationship is on life support.  If you are wondering about the future of your relationship and are having trouble seeing a future with your spouse, the Marriage Intensive is the best chance for reviving your relationship.  You can feel hope.  If there is one cell within your body that believes there might be a sliver of hope, you need to give the Marriage Intensive a good try.

Our Marriage Intensives has been successful with couples who have…

  • experienced recent or a history of infidelity, adultery, pornography addictions, sexual acting out;
  • experienced financial disaster due to poor decisions of one spouse and are in deep mistrust over financial matters and the families financial future;
  • been separated for periods of weeks to over a year and who have not had sexual intimacy in over five years;
  • been through repair attempts with marriage counselors, pastors and others that have not worked in the past, and many other situations.
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Speaking the Truth

Change is hard!

The communication struggle that you may find yourself in is probably like well-worn ruts in a road. Your efforts to try to drive out of the ruts or keep from falling back into them will be frustrating. Learning new things always creates some discomfort at first but eventually, with practice, we learn to do it without much effort. Learning to Speak the Truth to each other will be difficult, but very rewarding.

We have witnessed Speaking and Hearing the Truth significantly change relationships. Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth.

Lisa and Jimmy grew up in the same town, going to the same schools and the same church since they were born. They were in a serious relationship as she completed high school and left for college. Jimmy, who was a couple of years younger, asked her to marry him and gave her a Promise Ring just a couple of months into her college years. They were married just after his graduation, before he left for Air Force boot camp in San Antonio.

During their first several years of marriage, Lisa and Jimmy experienced a great deal of struggle. Between his absences for deployment and their multiple re-locations, they were unable to find a positive rhythm of interacting. A pastor referred them to us, and when Lisa called to make the appointment, she began the conversation by telling us, “I don’t think I ever really knew Jimmy. I thought I knew him, but he is not the man I thought he was.”

Jimmy and Lisa assumed that because they had been raised in the same town, going to the same church and schools and dating only each other, they knew everything there was to know about each other. When they were able to spend time together early in the marriage, they would act on the assumption that they knew what the other person really wanted. When their spouse did not do what they expected them to do, each thought they knew with certainty the reason why. It seemed that every area of their marriage was in conflict within just a few short months.

Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth.

She wanted to start a family soon, and he wanted to wait until his military commitment was completed. She believed that they should share responsibilities inside and outside of the house, while he thought his domain should include vehicle repairs, lawn work and household repairs, and that she should do all of the other chores. She thought taking care of her husband’s sexual needs should not ever need to be more than once every week to ten days, while he assumed that they should have sex every night unless one of them was sick or otherwise unable. He understood that they should spend any bonus money as they received it because he worked hard for the money; she thought that they should plan for the future and for emergencies by always putting some or all of his bonuses into savings.

Their differences of opinion about chores, sex, when to start their family, how to handle their finances, and many other issues were not the problem in their relationship. Their problem was that they did not realize how each of their individual truths was not shared by the other, and in the absence of that knowledge they were taking action on their assumptions (their truths). This was damaging their relationship. They were not only not speaking their truths to each other; they were also unable or unwilling to really hear the truth of the other person.

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Do You Have a Copy of “The Secret to Lifetime Love”?

What is the difference between couples who make their marriage work and those who don’t. In this book, We share what wehave learned working with thousands of families and couples. This book can be used be one person in the relationship, but is best used as a couple. It has been written for couples of all ages and stages. It has helped couples say what they need to say. The struggle in communication in which so many couples find themselves feels like a very stuck place. Applying the principles in this book and completing the exercises (alone or together) significantly impacts couples relationships positively.

Speaking and Hearing Truth
Purchase a Print, Ebook or Audio Edition

“Every Couple should read this” – Kari Ann

“Roy and Devra do a great job of simplifying how to communicate better with your spouse and live free from barriers that damage marriage. Thank you Roy and Devra for living an example for other marriages and sharing with us new tools.” – Byron

“There are few books out there that really help you, and seem to really want to help you with your problem (relationships in this case) and this book delivers.” – Monika

“What a great book for improving communication in your marriage! The information covered in this book is easy to relate too. At times, I felt as if they had stood in my living room and heard the arguments. I never felt judged or shamed. Positive and encouraging to husbands and wives! A rare find.” – Tia

“This book can be your go-to guide on how to fix, restore, or improve your marriage or relationship. All married couples should have it!!!! Very helpful!” – Austin

“This book contains a plethora of wisdom about how to deal with inevitable conflict in marriage. Concise and practical, it is well worth the short time required to read it, and a great reference when preparing for important conversations in any relationship. Very insightful and compelling!” – J. Wag

“A very truthful and realistic book” – ZRM

“This book will help you in communicating better in your relationship” – Dave Lappin

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See This Movie Before You Think About Getting A Divorce!

Devra and I enjoyed a date night in Sugar Land, TX a while back.  We enjoyed a wonderful meal and headed out to see a documentary singularly playing in the Houston area at that specific theater.  We purchased our tickets ahead of time online so that we would make sure we had a seat.   While the cinema was crowded, there was only two other people in the theater showing DivorceCorp.

DivorceCorp bills itself as “A shocking expose of the inner workings of the $50 billion a year US family law industry…(which) shines a bright light on the waste and shameless collusive practices seen daily in family courts.”  As veterans working to keep married couples out of divorce courts, we were anxious to see for ourselves.