Cindy had set up a coaching call based upon the referral from her Pastor. She arrived to the session with a friend whom she insisted join us in session. Cindy had brought her friend to verify what she was telling us about how horrible of a husband she has. “My pastor, all of my friends, including a counselor friend of mine, agrees with me that he is the problem in our marriage.”
All couples fight! There are no perfect couples. All couples disagree and argue. Some handle their disagreements with becoming loud, big and scary. Others move away from each other by withdrawing into silence, leaving the room… or the house.
Donna complained that her “so called” Christian husband was a “hypocrite”. Her heart was hard and critical because she did not experience him as the spiritual leader in the home that she had always expected. When asked about how her frustration was impacting her and how she interacted with him, she shared that she does not want to be around him, she has long periods where she does not like him, and she has little interest in being physically intimate with him.
Lisa was about to explode. Her husband of 8 years came home early from work, plopped down on the couch and asked, “what’s for supper?” After a full day of caregiving for her 18 month old and kindergartner, she was tired and stressed. And his first communication with her was one that really pushed her buttons.
Full body attention is how we tell our spouse they are the most important and highest priority in our world in that moment.
Have you ever noticed that some couples seem to talk positive about the other spouse when they are not around? When they are seen together they appear to genuinely like each other? When there is a disagreement with anyone outside of the relationship, they take up for their spouse, even when all logic points that their spouse is wrong?
Four moments seems like such a short amount of time. Yet if you take advantage of the opportunities within these four moments, you will have the power to create the life together forever you have always wanted. Four moments out of every day are the most powerful to moving toward each other, instead of against or away from each other.
You improve your marriage by intentionally using the 4 most important relationship moments every day.
Linda and Dan had over two decades of marriage under their belt. With one child in high school and the other in middle school, this should have been some of the best years of their marriage and life. When they called us, Linda was considering separating because she could not “stay in a passionless marriage one more day.” We met them in a full day Marriage Intensive solely focused on improving their relationship. Dan seemed clueless that there was any problem.
One of the most surprising findings of our work with thousands of couples over the years is that it only takes one spouse to change a marriage. One spouse can go outside of the marriage for something they have not created and developed in their marriage sabotaging any hope for their future together. One spouse can meet with a divorce industry attorney and file in courage. One spouse alone can end the marriage.
You have incredible power to create the change in your marriage you desire.
Contempt is so destructive to relationships that we often call it the worst of the four Marriage Killers. A spouse using contempt places himself in a position of power above the other spouse. The contemptuous person believes they are better, more helpful, more thoughtful, more considerate, more punctual, smarter, cleaner, neater, etc. that their spouse.
Contempt can look like put downs, “one-ups” and snarky sarcastic remarks. It can be as obvious as stating you think the other person is useless, worthless, or disgusting or as subtle as rolling eyes a sigh. What the victim of contempt receives is total disrespect and scorn. Frequently they feel like not only that their spouse does not like them but that perhaps they actually hate them and want bad for them.
Check out the online reviews of “The Secret to Lifetime Love” (2014, Jaba Publishing).
A Healthy Shot in the Arm for Our Marriage.
By Leslie Herron
“We have been married for almost 30 years and are doing well. This book isn’t just for those who are struggling in marriage. It is also for all of us who need constant stretching and working out to keep our hearts and our marriages in shape. Roy and Devra have an open and fun style of communicating what is really going on in our marriages and how we can mend broken areas, as well as strengthen weak areas.”
Great, practical stuff!!
By Byron Myers
“This a great, practical book on communicating clearly. Roy and Devra do a great job of simplifying how to communicate better with your spouse and live free from barriers that damage marriage. Thank you Roy and Devra for living an example for other marriages and sharing with us new tools.”
There are few gems like this
By monika
“There are few books out there that really help you, and seem to really want to help you with your problem (relationships in this case) and this book delivers.”