Top 10 Reasons Spouses Withhold Sex And What You Can Do About It

Jillian and Randall called for a Marriage Intensive.  He explained that early in their marriage he began to believe that he was unattractive, repulsive and unwanted as Jillian bristled at his requests for sexual activity.  Jillian could not understand why her husband never approached her for sex anymore and suspected that he had another lover or a porn addiction.

Jillian and Randall are like so many other couples who are experiencing the pain of a sexless marriage.  Over the course of a very hard day of work in the Marriage Intensive, they both found some healing personally and then in their relationship, and built a new future together.

Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.  I Corinthians 7:2-6 (Message)

Top 10 Reasons You Live In A Sexless Marriage

  1. Stress – Your spouse is in a season of a great amount of stress and anxiety is getting in the way of wanting to be intimate.
  2. Drugs – Your spouse feels like smoking and other drugs are more exciting and fulfilling. Instead of sex, they engage in their addictions.
  3. Performance Anxiety – Your spouse feels inadequate in bed and is worried about their inability to satisfy you to such an extent that they no longer want to risk trying.
  4. Medical Issues – Your spouse’s diabetes or other medical conditions, or the side affects of the medications, are causing a significant decrease in libido.
  5. Pornography – Instead of engaging in sex with a real person, your spouse has become trapped in fulfilling their sexual desires though the fantasy of porn. When it comes time to have what you offer, they have already wasted their sexual energy elsewhere.
  6. Body Issues – Your spouse compares their body to every other body they see in media that they believe they are repulsive naked and avoid it at all costs in front of anyone else, even you.
  7. Depression – Your spouse is suffering from depression and has lost interest in almost everything they have always enjoyed, including sex.
  8. Angry and Hurt – Your spouse has experienced a great amount of pain in your relationship and is angry. Your spouse wants you to experience the same level of pain and are withholding sex to “punish” you for what you have done.
  9. Someone Else – Instead of engaging in sex with the one they have chosen to spend the rest of their life with, your spouse has been lured by the feeling that there is something better “out there”. When it comes time to have what you offer, they have already wasted their sexual energy elsewhere.
  10. The Passion Is Gone – Sex has become routine happening in the same place, at the same time, and in the same way. The things you once did to really connect outside of the bedroom have been replaced with focused attention on parenting, logistics, career, home management, handling chores or in-laws.

What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage?

There are some specific things you can do if you are living in a sexless marriage. Here are what we recommend.

  • Pray. Pray for your marriage, for your spouse, and for yourself.
  • Have a Courageous Conversation. You want to have a strong lifelong marriage. You want to have passion in your life. Follow the courageous conversation rules and have a discussion about what you are experiencing and what your really want in your marriage.
  • Have the Sex Talk. We have encouraged thousands of couples to have the sex talk about frequency and types of sex every year or two. Knowing what you want more of in your sex life and knowing what you spouse wants more of can help you have realistic expectations and make adjustments.
  • Get help. Find a pastor, veteran married couple, Christian counselor, or relationship coach. Schedule a Marriage Intensive with us to find healing in your relationship and build a new future together.

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers.  Would you add others to the top 10 reasons for a sexless marriage?  What other tips would you add for couples struggling?  If you tried any of the tips, how did it work for you?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2015. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at [email protected].

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Categories: Before You Divorce, Creating The Marriage You Want
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