The divorce rate in America plateaued about four decades ago and has been sitting somewhere around 50% since then. Some people who read that may errantly believe that there is a 50-50 chance that their marriage will make it.

Not so! Here are the real divorce rate numbers.

1. For first time marriages, about 41% end in divorce. This includes the more vulnerable marriages that involve children before marriage, addictions, mental health issues, late teen marriages, no faith, no college education, marriages in poverty, and other high risk situations. That means that there is at worst a 60% chance your marriage will not end in divorce.
2. For second marriages, about 60% end in divorce. These is still a 4 in 10 chance your marriage will make it.
3. For third marriages, about 73% end in divorce. The odds are really stacked against you statistically speaking. Less than 30% of couples who are marrying for the third time will avoid ending in divorce.

The Duct Tape Factor

“Did you hear? Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are getting divorced after only four years.” It seems like a marriage in the limelight has a shelf life about as long as the life of a vase of roses. There are some Hollywood marriages that break the mold and make it the distance, like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans,  although they rarely make headlines.

Over the last several years, we have helped high profile couples during our Marriage Intensives. We have been trusted to help with the marriages of professional athletes, elected politicians, Fortune 500 CEOs, and high visibility Pastors. While each marriage has been unique, there are some patterns that we have observed that may be contributors for those who are in high profile marriages.

Special Challenges In High Profile Marriages

Tanner and Megan’s pastor referred them to us for a Marriage Intensive. Unlike most couples who call, they had not experienced an affair or major financial mistrust in their eleven years of marriage. However, Tanner and Megan had lost that loving feeling, in fact, they did not have much like for each other anymore.

Megan shared how Tanner was never fully present in the home, frequently leaving early for work and returning later in the evening after work and a work out. Tanner described how he had a great mother for his children and a wonderful room mate in Megan, but he had not felt loved or desired by here in years.

How The Marriage Relationship Erodes

Megan and Tanner’s relationship was a perfect example of how neglecting their marriage had eroded their love. We recently took a writing retreat in the Texas Hill Country. Sitting under a beautiful canopy of the leaves and limbs of a huge tree along the Guadalupe River, we noticed that a few feet of its many roots were exposed. It was apparent that the winding river and wind had eroded the fertile foundation soil that the tree’s sturdy trunk had grown in. It left the tree appearing vulnerable to a sure death in a future storm or heavy wind.

Touch is the first of the senses to develop, and it remains perhaps the most emotionally central throughout out lives. Researchers have discovered that gentle, tender, non-sexual touch has powerful health benefits, including

• Enhances growth in children.
• Improves emotional, physical and cognitive functioning.
• Lowers blood pressure and heart rate.
• Reduces cortisol levels (Stress).
• Stimulates memory.
• Oxytocin levels go up, increasing uplifting emotions.
• Boosts the immune system.

We are all familiar with how important touch is to us. When our spouse shares a tender touch, it not only has the above effects, but it also connects and bonds us in a way that words cannot. Sometimes we long for our spouse to touch us, but waiting for our spouse to initiate touch is self-defeating. According to the Touch Research Institute, the one initiating touch receives the same benefits of touch as the person on the receiving end. Reaching out and touching our spouse when we are wanting touch from them is helpful to us getting what we need.

Dana always wanted to be a nurse. During her freshman year of college she met and fell in love with Kraig who was a senior. Shortly after their marriage they were in a dilemma. Kraig had been accepted to a prestigious MBA program but in order for them to make it work financially, they would need to move and she would need to leave school and enter the workforce.

A few years later as Kraig was taking his first corporate job, they were blessed with their first baby. Dana spent the next sixteen years being a stay-at-home mom raising their three children. Kraig’s career continued to expand with more responsibilities and better pay. Kraig was living his dream, while Dana began to resent the fact that she had given hers up for the sake of the family.

We met them in a Marriage Intensive. During the day long session, Dana was able to communicate her desire to reach her dream of becoming a nurse. Kraig finally got it and together they developed a plan that made sense for family goals and Dana’s lifelong dream.

Lance and Claire were stuck in the blame game. Both were waiting for the other to show them that they were loved. They were basically domestic partners and parents, living totally different lives while in the same house.

During the Marriage Saving Intensive, Claire told us about how Lance had never really shared what was going on in his heart. “After 18 years of marriage, I know more about how my dog feels about things than I know what Lance cares about.” She was miserable and blamed her husband for her unhappiness.

Lance felt like there was a bait and switch. He told us that their love life was wonderful as they began their relationship, but “she has a wall up in our love life. I have leaned to just get through, because I don’t have a wife who wants me in any way.”   He told us that unless she changes, he is not willing to make any changes.

Most of us stood in front of God, family and friends and made a commitment to our spouse. We said we would take them to be our spouse, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and cherish, till death we part. Perhaps your vows were not exactly these vows, but generally these are the vows we took.

Researchers have discovered that commitment plays a pivotal role in whether or not these vows are honored.

• The more committed a spouse is, the higher the satisfaction is in the marriage.
• Highly committed spouses are more likely to persist in making their marriage work.
• Commitment is the most direct and powerful predictor of marital success.

But what makes a spouse committed?