We remember being brought up singing a song at Vacation Bible Schools and Christian camps that had a chorus, “J.O.Y. – Jesus first. Others second. Yourself last.” That last part is a mantra that social pressures also give young men and women. In order to succeed, you must meet all the expectations of others in your life.

When Did Self Care Become Narcissistic?

Somewhere along the way, we began to believe that anything other than meeting the expectations of others meant that we were selfish, self-absorbed, or narcissistic. We do our very best, at the expense of our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health, to perform up to expectations at school, home, work, and in our social group.

Over time, we ended up trying harder, occasionally failing, trying even harder, and occasionally failing and trying even harder. Women focus on being perfect in their jobs, marriages, parenting, churches, and social group. Men focus on meeting the expectations of leader, husband, father and masculinity.

You Can’t Take Care Of Others If You Don’t Take Care of Yourself

One of the practices that we do every day to connect at the heart level is to check in with each other.  Checking in with each other is a way to talk about all the things that are going on “out there” so that we can create “We-ness” together.  It is also a way for us to be clear about our own emotions and not cloud them with issues with our spouse.

When a spouse returns from work and has a scowl on their face, what you do think their spouse thinks about what is going on?  Usually they think that the scowling spouse is upset with them in some way.  And they might be, but most of the time that assumption is wrong.  One of the good things that happens when we check in with each other is that we learn what that emotion is about, and usually, that it is not about us.

You may have returned home one day after a very bad day at work and when your spouse asked about your day, you barked at them.  That is something that happens with all couples.  Anger or hurt about things at work get transferred and communicated, intentionally or intentionally, toward your spouse.  You end up hurting the very person whom God put in your life to help you.

The Daily Check In is a way you can become aware of and communicate what is going on in your head and heart in a way that your spouse can support you and understand you.

Check In With Yourself First

Have you ever gone on a date that ended up being a meeting about the kids, money problems, in-laws, work, chores, etc.?

Next time you go on a date, pull up this article on your smart phone and take the conversation in a totally different direction. Take turns answering the questions first. There are no wrong answers. Make it a night of discovery!

Rediscover your spouse and all the reasons you truly love them. Enjoy humor and discussion about things that have no emotional negativity. Take your date night to a whole other level!

Conversation Starters (adapted from Love Talk Starters by Les and Leslie Parrott)

We have been impressed with the incredible research that has come out of the Gottman Institute about relationships. We buy into one of his key theories: The health of the relationship can be determined by the small and larger interactions between spouses as one “bids” for the connection of the other and the other responds by either moving toward, away or against.

No Attempts To Connect

During the course of the relationship, there are many daily attempts to connect made by each spouse. The absence of attempts to connect usually means the relationship is in an unhealthy state.