Deanna called describing deep sadness and depression. “Peter treats everyone better than he treats me. “ Over thirteen years ago she was drawn to Peter’s incredible graceful spirit toward everyone that he came in contact with. “Peter has a huge heart and is very caring, except when it comes to me.”

Peter and Deanna came in for a Marriage Intensive. During the course of the day we discovered that Peter’s good nature and high empathy with others was a great quality that had began to get in the way of the marriage he really wanted with his wife.

Grace on Empty

We rehearse our last interactions with our spouse. Whatever we experienced in our relationship plays like a song stuck in our heads all day long. Our interactions, however brief, impact what we think about our spouse throughout the day.

The Pattern of Negative Interaction Cycle

When you think negatively about your spouse most of the day, how do you think you will interact with them when you get home? Of course you will interact in a negative way. The negative thoughts drive a negative interaction.

Your negativity begets negativity which results in you rehearsing more negative thoughts when you are away from them. And the cycle continues until you are absolutely convinced that you married the wrong person, your spouse must change for you to be happy, and you have no like, or love, toward them at all.

What you focus on creates the marriage relationship. Your continual focus on the most negative aspects of your relationship causes you to interact in such a way that you create more negative experiences.

You created the marriage relationship you are in. If you do not like it, you need to change what you are doing. You need to try something different. You need to take a step back from blaming your spouse and take unilateral action to begin to create the marriage you really want.

We have learned a great many things in our experiences with couples who have come to our Life Together Forever Couples Retreats and Workshops and who have been through one of our Marriage Intensives.

While teaching how to communicate to your spouse in a way they will receive it, one of the wives raised her hand and said, “I need to lose the YOUs and Use the I’s”. We told her that it would be in one of our next several blogs because it is so good.

My Spouse Never Hears Me

If you are like most spouses, you have a season at some time in your marriage where you feel like your spouse just does not hear what you are saying. Because they have shown no evidence that they understand what you want them to do or stop doing, you have likely begun to do things that actually cause more harm in your relationship.

When your spouse does not hear you, you may be one who talks louder and louder until you are screaming. Or maybe you throw a fit. Or maybe you just say the same thing over and over believing that repetition will make him understand it. Perhaps you withdraw and move away. Or you stop communicating anything at all.

Nothing I Can Do Until My Spouse Listens

Linda and Dan had over two decades of marriage under their belt. With one child in high school and the other in middle school, this should have been some of the best years of their marriage and life.   When they called us, Linda was considering separating because she could not “stay in a passionless marriage one more day.” We met them in a full day Marriage Intensive solely focused on improving their relationship. Dan seemed clueless that there was any problem.

During the first month of our marriage in 1988, Devra wanted to show how much she loved Roy. She prepared a wonderful bubble bath, with candles, a cold drink and dimmed lighting. When she showed it to Roy, he thought that she was going to jump in with him. But instead she left the room and did not return.

Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love. Billy Graham

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Ruth Pell Graham

When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. C.S. Lewis

As God by creation made two of one, so again by marriage He made one of two. Thomas Adams

A long-lasting marriage is built by two people who believe in -and live by- the solemn promise they made. Darlene Schacht

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice. Fawn Weaver