Linda and Dan had over two decades of marriage under their belt. With one child in high school and the other in middle school, this should have been some of the best years of their marriage and life. When they called us, Linda was considering separating because she could not “stay in a passionless marriage one more day.” We met them in a full day Marriage Intensive solely focused on improving their relationship. Dan seemed clueless that there was any problem.
One of the most surprising findings of our work with thousands of couples over the years is that it only takes one spouse to change a marriage. One spouse can go outside of the marriage for something they have not created and developed in their marriage sabotaging any hope for their future together. One spouse can meet with a divorce industry attorney and file in courage. One spouse alone can end the marriage.
You have incredible power to create the change in your marriage you desire.
Healthy relationships add to quality of life, life satisfaction, positive well-being and better health. Investing time and energy into our relationships improves our health, household income, career and genuine happiness. The smallest changes in our interaction with those we care most about can make a huge difference in the health of our relationships.
You have probably already set New Year’s Resolutions that involve working out, eating healthy, perhaps taking additional classes or making other investments in your career. Do not overlook the power of making small changes to strengthen your relationship and improve your chances of reaching your goals in other lifestyle areas. Here are fifteen tips for better relationships in the New Year.
Defensiveness is anything we use to move away from responsibility for something that our spouse believes that we have done or not done. Defensiveness like it implies, means that we perceive what our spouse is saying about or to us as an attack. In response (whether it was done in a respectful way or in a way that was truly an attack) we employ defensiveness to keep from receiving responsibility.
Defensiveness can come in many forms. Stating clearly that you did not do something and listing the reasons may be defensive. Counter accusing your spouse with something that they did not do as well is defensive. A spouse might say, “I noticed that the grass is not mowed and is really getting tall. Would you mind mowing the grass today or tomorrow?” And the defensive response might be, “I would have mowed the grass sooner but you said you would start putting your shoelaces in the closet instead of leaving them all over the house.”
Working with struggling couples for years, we know that sometimes the relationship problem is a surprise. Other times we know exactly what we did to cause the problem.
We have observed 4 patterns of reaction to relationship problems spouses engage in that actually hurt more than they help. They seem “good” because they keep us from feeling or dealing with the issue. That temporary relief fades quickly when the issue reoccurs. They always end up getting in the way of our goal of a lifelong relationship.
Holidays can be a stressful time for couples and families. Negative patterns of interaction can multiply as almost all communication becomes focused on the tasks of the holiday. Frequently feelings are hurt in the mix and there are long periods of negative emotions and energy.
Turn your relationships around during the holidays by implementing these tips for making memories!
Contempt is so destructive to relationships that we often call it the worst of the four Marriage Killers. A spouse using contempt places himself in a position of power above the other spouse. The contemptuous person believes they are better, more helpful, more thoughtful, more considerate, more punctual, smarter, cleaner, neater, etc. that their spouse.
Contempt can look like put downs, “one-ups” and snarky sarcastic remarks. It can be as obvious as stating you think the other person is useless, worthless, or disgusting or as subtle as rolling eyes a sigh. What the victim of contempt receives is total disrespect and scorn. Frequently they feel like not only that their spouse does not like them but that perhaps they actually hate them and want bad for them.
Check out the online reviews of “The Secret to Lifetime Love” (2014, Jaba Publishing).
A Healthy Shot in the Arm for Our Marriage.
By Leslie Herron
“We have been married for almost 30 years and are doing well. This book isn’t just for those who are struggling in marriage. It is also for all of us who need constant stretching and working out to keep our hearts and our marriages in shape. Roy and Devra have an open and fun style of communicating what is really going on in our marriages and how we can mend broken areas, as well as strengthen weak areas.”
Great, practical stuff!!
By Byron Myers
“This a great, practical book on communicating clearly. Roy and Devra do a great job of simplifying how to communicate better with your spouse and live free from barriers that damage marriage. Thank you Roy and Devra for living an example for other marriages and sharing with us new tools.”
There are few gems like this
By monika
“There are few books out there that really help you, and seem to really want to help you with your problem (relationships in this case) and this book delivers.”
The “Silent Treatment” destroys the ability of spouses to communicate and resolve conflict. That is why we have called it a “Marriage Killer”. It is an expression of stonewalling. Stonewalling is just as it sounds: anything we do that is building a stone wall between us and our spouse. Stonewalling means refusing to communicate or cooperate.
Stonewalling is common, although it takes many different forms. Slamming the door as you walk out of the room or pealing out as you leave the driveway. Using the “silent treatment” to be present and talk to everyone else except for the person with whom you are upset. It can look like diving into a book, your cell phone, electronic device like an iPad or laptop, or television. It can also look like hiding out in the “man-cave”, having to work late, or doing a lot of household chores.
Criticism is destructive to relationships and that is why we have called it a “Marriage Killer”. Criticism is finding something wrong with the other person. Every spouse will do or not do something that their spouse judges as un-approving. You can choose to communicate your desire for a different behavior from your spouse in a way that brings you closer together, or you can choose to communicate your desire for a different behavior from your spouse in a way that tears them down.
Criticism goes beyond communicating what request you have of your spouse’s behavior change. It goes into language about your spouse’s character, identity, family, etc. Criticism is putting down your spouse and finding fault in them. This is often associated with assuming the worst about their intentions.