Category Archives: Creating The Marriage You Want

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Why Are We Arguing?

For every situation in a relationship there are usually three truths. The three truths are always different from each other. There is his truth, her truth, and the truth.

The Truth about the situation is simply what happened. It consists of the specifics. That includes everything observed through our five senses: what we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. Nothing else! The truth does not include what we thought or felt about the situation. It does not include how we interpreted the situation. It includes what might be observable through a camera and microphone, not the motives behind what is seen and heard. The truth consists solely of the data, and the data alone.

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Thinking About Leaving My Unhappy Marriage

Darla was angry. She told us that her husband did not understand her and she did not feel like he ever would. She wondered if he loved her as she told us countless examples of his inattention to her needs. And when he finally asked her out on a date, it was to something that he knew she hated. She was done.

On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad day, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won’t take anything for granted. Ecclesiastes 7:14 MSG

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Stop The Blame Game

Lance and Claire were stuck in the blame game. Both were waiting for the other to show them that they were loved. They were basically domestic partners and parents, living totally different lives while in the same house.

During the Marriage Saving Intensive, Claire told us about how Lance had never really shared what was going on in his heart. “After 18 years of marriage, I know more about how my dog feels about things than I know what Lance cares about.” She was miserable and blamed her husband for her unhappiness.

Lance felt like there was a bait and switch. He told us that their love life was wonderful as they began their relationship, but “she has a wall up in our love life. I have leaned to just get through, because I don’t have a wife who wants me in any way.”   He told us that unless she changes, he is not willing to make any changes.

“So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it! Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.” Hebrews 12-17 (MSG)

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Be The Change Your Marriage Needs

During a Marriage Saving Intensive, Claire told us about how Lance had never really shared what was going on in his heart. “After 18 years of marriage, I know more about how my dog feels about things than I know what Lance cares about.” She was miserable and blamed her husband for her unhappiness.

Lance felt like there was a bait and switch. He told us that their love life was wonderful as they began their relationship, but “she has a wall up in our love life. I have leaned to just get through, because I don’t have a wife who wants me in any way.”   He told us that unless she changes, he is not willing to make any changes.

“So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it! Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.” Hebrews 12-17 (MSG)

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Your Forever Valentine

February 14th is a day set aside to tell the one we love the most how much we love them. And retailers have made it an incredibly profitable day annually.  According to Forbes, Americans will spend an average of $136.57 a piece with overall Valentine’s sales for jewelry, flowers, clothing, candy, restaurants, cards and movies projected at $18.2 billion dollars.

‘Most of all, love each other steadily and unselfishly, because love makes up for many faults.’ I Peter 4:8 (VOICE)

Make Yours a Forever Valentine

After you have spent the dough on something perishable for Valentines Day, we hope you will consider stretching Valentines out throughout the whole year in a much less expensive way. Here are some things you can do to make yours a Forever Valentine.

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Loving Your Wife Well

We love our friend in ministry, Ron Rose. Ron has written much that has influenced our relationship and our parenting of our children. He blogs today at Faith Team.

One of our favorite books by Ron is “Loving Her: 30 days to a more loving relationship with your wife”. It is a month of daily reading with action steps husbands can take to strengthen their relationship with their wife.

Rediscovering Your Wife
One of the most important things a husband can realize is that they have so much to yet discover about their wife. Here are a few nuggets from “Loving Her”.

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When It Hurts Your Marriage

Cathy was in a perpetual cycle of marriage destruction. She disliked her husband and blamed him for her unhappiness. Almost every day, she left her home to hangout drinking with friends.

Her husband and children were telling her how unimportant they felt. But she continued to blame her husband for her unhappiness. When he complained about her drinking, or absence from his and the kids’ lives, she struck back accusing him of being “emotionally abusive and controlling.”

Cathy is not the only one. In our marriage intensives over the years we have witnessed both men and women in such a destructive pattern.

‘Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.’ Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

When A Behavior Is Hurting Your Marriage

Whether it is drinking or some other behavior, you may not be aware of it being a problem. Chances are that you do not think of the behavior as a problem. How can you tell if what you are doing is hurting yourself and your marriage.

Here are some tell-tale signs that what you are doing is a problem.

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Super Bowl Game For Your Marriage

Every year the Super Bowl becomes an anxiety producing event for married couples.  She’s worried about what to wear and whether or not the right mix of people will work at the party.  He’s worried if he will get the best seat and have his favorite foods and drinks.  He’s worried that she will talk through the game and interrupt the festivities with drama.  She’s worried that he will drink too much, ignore her or embarrass her.

What if the Super Bowl was something that could move you toward your spouse?  We started this game a few years ago and began sharing it with other couples.  You and your spouse can play this game “on the down low”, without any other couples knowing what is going on.  Or you can invite all of the married couples to play along.

The Super Bowl Marriage Game

  • Kiss every time either team scores.
  • Hug once second per point scored.
  • Give each other one compliment or appreciation for every point scored in the game. This can happen after the game at another time.
  • Plan at least one date in the next twelve months for every time your team scores.This can happen after the game at another time.
  • Plan one weekend getaway for every safety.This can happen after the game at another time.
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Lies Hurting Your Marriage

Everyone is wounded. No one has experienced life exactly like you have but all of us have wounds. Sometime early in our life, in our interactions with our parents, or a sibling, classmates, teacher, or a clergy member, we were wounded.

In that moment, Satan told you a lie about yourself.

  • You are not good enough.
  • You don’t have what it takes.
  • You can’t do it right.
  • You are broken.
  • You don’t matter.
  • You are not important.
  • You are unlovable.
  • You are worthless.
  • You don’t belong.
  • You have no value.
  • You are defective.

Believing The Lie Hurts Your Marriage

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Dating For Life Together Forever

Remember when you first began to fall in love. It seemed like you couldn’t keep your future spouse off of your mind. When you were together, it was like there was no one else in the world. When you were apart, you could not wait to be back together again.

You may have had a love song tying you together. You probably had a favorite hang out or activity that you did together. You may have written notes or texts or emails to each other frequently. You probably called each other special “pet” names.

Dating Challenge

Once you moved from dating to a committed relationship, it seemed like distance began to grow. You stopped dating and focused on wedding planning. You picked a living space and honey moon location. You worked on a budget together. You stopped connecting and started making decisions together.

The challenge of life together forever is that you become so focused on managing your life together that you stop connecting with each other. You stop dating. And when you date, you end up in an argument. One is upset at the other at the end of the night. It feels like nothings working.

Date Night Rules