Lisa was about to explode. Her husband of 8 years came home early from work, plopped down on the couch and asked, “what’s for supper?” After a full day of caregiving for her 18 month old and kindergartner, she was tired and stressed. And his first communication with her was one that really pushed her buttons.
Full body attention is how we tell our spouse they are the most important and highest priority in our world in that moment.
Todd believed he was gifted with insight about other people. He was a “quick read” of people and could identify their flaws easily. When Rochelle and Todd first met, she was impressed with him and loved the funny comments about others that they had just met.
Once they began their life together as a married couple, Todd’s gift of insightfulness felt much more like criticism to Rochelle. She felt like his humor felt like sarcasm. His “quick read” abilities felt like he was always telling her what she was thinking and was unable to listen to what she was trying to communicate about herself. They called us for a Marriage Intensive.
We were near the end of an incredibly long Marriage Intensive day with Kurt and Cassandra. Kurt discovered that how he was treating Cassandra was based upon something from his childhood. He had just completed making a number of commitments that we believed would begin to create the marriage that they both wanted: a God-centered marriage. He was committed to being held accountable to the changes in weekly accountability follow up coaching calls.
When it was Cassandra’s chance to make commitments that would help them, she said, “I truthfully don’t believe I need to change anything. I need to see if he is really going to change before I put myself out there to make any changes.” According to her, he had a history of not being willing to make change and she was having a hard time believing he was actually going to begin making the changes to which he had committed.
Every spouse experiences this frustration at some point in the marriage.
Franklin was so tired of her complaining. “I work 10-12 hours a day and when I get home I have to take care of the chores around the house. By the time I get to finally rest, she’s griping at me to spend time with her romantically and it feels like another chore.”
When he and Jamie came in for their Marriage Intensive, it was true that she wanted more emotional and physical connection with him. She wanted to date and to travel as they did earlier in their twenty-five year long marriage. She worked from home and took care of most of her chores and connecting with friends before he returned from work. “I feel like everything is more important to him than me.”
Setting Up A Life With No Thought About Relationship
We have been impressed with the incredible research that has come out of the Gottman Institute about relationships. We buy into one of his key theories: The health of the relationship can be determined by the small and larger interactions between spouses as one “bids” for the connection of the other and the other responds by either moving toward, away or against.
No Attempts To Connect
During the course of the relationship, there are many daily attempts to connect made by each spouse. The absence of attempts to connect usually means the relationship is in an unhealthy state.
We are frequently asked about why couples divorce. Our usual answer is focused on what couples do within their marriage that eventually leads to them living separate lives in the same home. The reasons commonly blamed for divorce, such as infidelity and financial issues, are really symptoms of the marital challenges already experienced in the marriage.
In every interaction with your spouse, you will move toward, move away or move against.
The choice you make in how your interaction with your spouse is a critical key indicator to the success of your marriage. John Gottman’s research indicates that divorced spouses reported that they ignored, or turned away from, their spouse’s attempts to connect between 50 and 82 percent of attempts, while couples who made it ignored their spouse’s attempts to connect only between 14 and 19 percent of the time.
Three Choices of Interaction With Your Spouse
Darla was angry. She told us that her husband did not understand her and she did not feel like he ever would. She wondered if he loved her as she told us countless examples of his inattention to her needs. And when he finally asked her out on a date, it was to something that he knew she hated. She was done.
As a society we are failing at relationships!
As a society, there is no other conclusion to make. Relationships as a whole in America are unhealthy and unsuccessful. According to the data, the divorce rate has plateaued at 50%. That is somewhat deceiving because around 70% of first time marriages actually make it. The older set bends these numbers upward.
Less than half of second time marriages actually make it. And about a third of third time marriages make it.