Fred and Sheila had called to discuss having a Marriage Intensive with us. She had recently contacted an attorney about a divorce. “I just can’t take it anymore. He is always mad. He never has any time for me. I do everything for him and all I want is for him to notice me and want to be with me. He is always mad at me and I don’t know why.”
Cindy had set up a coaching call based upon the referral from her Pastor. She arrived to the session with a friend whom she insisted join us in session. Cindy had brought her friend to verify what she was telling us about how horrible of a husband she has. “My pastor, all of my friends, including a counselor friend of mine, agrees with me that he is the problem in our marriage.”
Every once in a while a book and movie catches our culture’s attention in such a way that social and traditional media bombards us with it. Such is the situation with the book and now movie release of the popular “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
It is amazing to consider how it is that God made us to be so attracted to people who are different from us. In fact, most of our early attraction includes a decision to find people who are not like the parts of ourselves we least like. Back in the beginning of your relationship, the ways in which your spouse was different from you were interesting. You were curious and somewhat excited to discover why they are like that and to see how they are in other areas. You liked what was different than you in your future spouse.
“I can’t remember the last time we went out on a date.”
“We can’t afford to go out. $40 for a sitter and $150 for the night, it is not worth it.”
“With the way she has been treating me, why would I want to waste my time and effort to set up a date?”
These are the very statements made by many of the couples who have found their way to our Marriage Saving Intensive. They have “lost that loving feeling” and believe that they will never get it back with their spouse again.
All couples fight! There are no perfect couples. All couples disagree and argue. Some handle their disagreements with becoming loud, big and scary. Others move away from each other by withdrawing into silence, leaving the room… or the house.
Donna complained that her “so called” Christian husband was a “hypocrite”. Her heart was hard and critical because she did not experience him as the spiritual leader in the home that she had always expected. When asked about how her frustration was impacting her and how she interacted with him, she shared that she does not want to be around him, she has long periods where she does not like him, and she has little interest in being physically intimate with him.
Lisa was about to explode. Her husband of 8 years came home early from work, plopped down on the couch and asked, “what’s for supper?” After a full day of caregiving for her 18 month old and kindergartner, she was tired and stressed. And his first communication with her was one that really pushed her buttons.
Full body attention is how we tell our spouse they are the most important and highest priority in our world in that moment.
Have you ever noticed that some couples seem to talk positive about the other spouse when they are not around? When they are seen together they appear to genuinely like each other? When there is a disagreement with anyone outside of the relationship, they take up for their spouse, even when all logic points that their spouse is wrong?
Four moments seems like such a short amount of time. Yet if you take advantage of the opportunities within these four moments, you will have the power to create the life together forever you have always wanted. Four moments out of every day are the most powerful to moving toward each other, instead of against or away from each other.
You improve your marriage by intentionally using the 4 most important relationship moments every day.