Have you ever noticed that some people constantly speak positively about their spouse to everyone they meet? When the couple is together they act like they genuinely like each other? When there is a disagreement with anyone outside of the relationship, they take up for their spouse, even when all logic and rational judgement points that their spouse is wrong?
Chris set up a coaching call with Roy about the struggles he has been having with his wife.
“She criticizes everything I do. I can’t do anything right. I don’t know what to do.”
Roy asked, “What do you do when you hear her telling you in one way or another that you can’t do it right?”
Chris shared, “It just makes me so mad so I try to stay away from her. I get away from her as fast as I can. I tell her I need to go to work or I go out to the garage. I want to be anywhere but around her.”
What Do You Do When Your Spouse Triggers You?
Barnard and Shelley called for help in their relationship. He is the CEO of a mid-sized privately held fortune 500 company. She is an established attorney who has achieved praise from professionals across a broad spectrum of professional organizations. Their career achievements make them one of the highest powered couples we’ve ever worked with.
But they weren’t asking us to keep their marriage together. A few years ago, following a public affair and following advice of family and friends, they divorced. Since then they have continued to be cordial to each other in the co-parenting of their three children, who live with Shelley full time in the house they purchased together almost fifteen years prior.
February 14th is a day set aside to tell the one we love the most how much we love them. And retailers have made it an incredibly profitable day with this year’s gross Valentine’s sales for jewelry, flowers, clothing, candy, restaurants, cards and movies expected to be close to $19 billion dollars.
Get More Bang For Your Buck By Stretching Valentines Out All Year
After you have spent the dough on something perishable for Valentines Day, we hope you will consider stretching Valentines out throughout the whole year in a much less expensive way. Here are some things you can do to rekindle the old flames or keep love alive.
What is a Courageous Conversation?
A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.
(This is part 4 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).
It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.
What is a Courageous Conversation?
A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.
(This is part 3 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).
It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.
What is a Courageous Conversation?
A courageous conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve high emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.
(This is part 2 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations).
It is called courageous because if you have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also courageous because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.
Too many couples have called us over the years in despair at the eleventh hour asking for help. Frequently when we meet with the couple in our office for a full day Marriage Intensive, what we learn is that they have unresolved issues that neither is willing to have a conversation about. The thing that is in their way, (usually because it elicits one or more of the Marriage Killers) is fear. They are afraid to have any in depth conversation around issues in their lives.
(this is part 1 in a 4 part series on Courageous Conversations)
The Power of Fear
Fear has so much power. When it is around, we usually get stuck. We become paralyzed and fail to act. We stop and hide. We run away from the issue as fast as we can. Fear debilitates us and moves us away from each other instead of toward each other.
We were near the end of an incredibly long Marriage Intensive day with Kurt and Cassandra. Kurt discovered that how he was treating Cassandra was based upon something from his childhood. He had just completed making a number of commitments that we believed would begin to create the marriage that they both wanted: a God-centered marriage. He was committed to being held accountable to the changes in weekly accountability follow up coaching calls.
When it was Cassandra’s chance to make commitments that would help them, she said, “I truthfully don’t believe I need to change anything. I need to see if he is really going to change before I put myself out there to make any changes.” According to her, he had a history of not being willing to make change and she was having a hard time believing he was actually going to begin making the changes to which he had committed.
Every spouse experiences this frustration at some point in the marriage.
Daniel was struggling with his frustrating marriage. He loved his wife, but was so disappointed in her. She did not fold his clothes in a way that limited wrinkles. Her cooking skills consisted of the same three meals. She never wanted to go out and dance or listen to live music, like they had in their dating years. “Its like she just doesn’t want to be a good wife at all.”
Disappointment is a Part of Marriage
It is so frustrating to be continually disappointed. All spouses experience disappointment at some time during their marriage.
From early preschool days, boys and girls begin developing expectations of marriage. What we experience in the home we grow up in, what we see in our friends homes, our experiences those we date, our family and friend’s relational experiences, our culture, our beliefs and world view, and our experience of our spouse from our earliest interaction all impact what we expect in our marriage.
Is it any wonder that two people who love each other would have such different ideas about how to love the other?
Why Our Expectations are Dashed