Category Archives: Creating The Marriage You Want

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Merging Your Marriage Well

Dana and Tony had been married for seventeen years when they came in for a marriage intensive. Dana had asked him to move out and he did not know what else to do when he called.

Dana complained that Tony was an embarrassment to her. Any time she invited him to a couples gathering with her friends or to her company events, she felt like he purposefully caused a scene. He would put her down as a wife or make fun of her in some way.

Tony felt alone in the marriage. She refused to ever go on a bike ride with him, join him on a golf outing, or go to the gym with him. Occasionally when he was out with a couple of his friends, she would show up unannounced and unplanned and then be upset with him if he did not leave his friends to be with her for the rest of the night.

Work toward unity, and live in harmony with one another. Romans 12:16a (VOICE)

Missing Needs And Merging Poorly

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How Church Can Help Your Marriage

One study several years ago found that people who report they are Christians are just as likely to divorce as those who didn’t. Headlines online and in print read that you are just as likely to divorce if you are a Christian than if you are not. 

Church is great for your marriage!

Let us consider how to inspire each other to greater love and to righteous deeds, not forgetting to gather as a community, as some have forgotten, but encouraging each other, especially as the day of His return approaches. Hebrews 10:24-25 (Voice)

However, a deeper look into the matter by several other studies found that those couples who regularly attend church together are 46% less likely to get divorced compared to only 10% less likely if they occasionally go to church together.

Further, studies have found that couples not going to church at all are twice as likely to get divorced as those who attend church regularly together. So practicing Christianity, as evidenced by attending church services regularly, is much more powerful in keeping your marriage together than just believing Jesus is your Savior.

Why church is great for your marriage!

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Our Marriage Is Worth Fighting For Because…

Kay and Brian were at a breaking point. She was focused on being the best mother she could be and had given little effort in her marriage for the past fifteen years. He would attempt to avoid conflict by bottling it up inside until eventually he would explode in yelling and threatening.

After one of his tirades, Kay asked him to move out. Separated, they reached out to their Pastor for support and he had them call us. They set up a last-ditch effort Marriage Intensive with us to save their marriage.

The Big Question

We spent the day together. God did what He usually does during the long day of work. He healed each of them in their most broken place and began to heal the old wounds in their relationship.

Near the end of the day, they each grabbed their spouse’s rings. Holding their spouse’s ring finger, we had them finish the sentence. “Our marriage is worth fighting for because…”

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Marriage Survival Tips For Retirement

Daniel called for a marriage intensive. His wife of 39 years had moved to their lake house to think about whether or not she was going to stay or divorce. He had recently took an early retirement package and was struggling with the transition.

When we met with Daniel and Liz, we discovered a huge disconnect between what each thought retirement years would look like and what roles they assumed each person would have. Daniel struggled with finding a new purpose and identity. Liz felt suffocated and smothered by his desire to be with her all the time.

Another Family Transition Stressor

There are several major family transition times that create stress for marriage. Like having a baby or moving into empty nest season, retirement puts pressure on the marriage relationship. It is one of the times in marriages that either pull spouses toward God and each other, or move them away or against each other.

Tips For Surviving Retirement Transition

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Good News: Divorce Rates Dropping

If you are like us, you hear often about how many people are getting divorce. People say that marriage rates are above 50% and worse than they have ever been. We have even heard some people declare that there are more single people in America than there are married people.

Most of the relationship advice and marriage statistics that you hear from your friends or so-called “Relationship Expert” bloggers are just not accurate and are dangerous to your marriage.

What The Research Says

Since the 1980’s, divorce rates have been dropping among all age groups, except older people.

According to a review of national statistics, people who are still in their first marriage at 46 years of age are:

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Fall Back In Love Over And Over Again

Marriage is hard. Especially when you have family cycle points, like adding a new member to the family, major medical issues, sending a child off to college, watching a child marry or divorce, or experiencing losing a family member.

Most of the couples who end up in a full day Marriage Intensive with us to try to save their marriage, are couples who let life get in the way of their relationship. Soon after marriage they began focusing on budgets, home making, parenting, chores, etc. and much less on each other.

After a couple of years, the only conversations they have with each other are about home logistics or issues and the number of positive interactions are overwhelmed by a pattern of negative ones. In that environment, it is usually not long before one or both begin seeking what should only be within the marriage from someone outside of the marriage.

Here are some signs that your marriage will last.

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The Power of Praying For Your Marriage

Donna complained that her “so called” Christian husband was a “hypocrite”. Her heart was hard and critical because she did not experience him as the spiritual leader in the home that she had always expected. When asked about how her frustration was impacting her and how she interacted with him, she shared that she does not want to be around him, she has long periods where she does not like him, and she has little interest in being physically intimate with him.

God changes you, your marriage, and your relationship with Him when you pray for your spouse!
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You Have The POWER In Your Marriage!

One of the most surprising findings of our work with thousands of couples over the years is that it only takes one spouse to change a marriage. One spouse can go outside of the marriage for something they have not created and developed in their marriage sabotaging any hope for their future together. One spouse can meet with a divorce industry attorney and file in courage. One spouse alone can end the marriage.

You have incredible power to create the change in your marriage you desire.

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Four Things You Are Doing That Hurts Your Marriage

Working with struggling couples for years, we know that sometimes the relationship problem is a surprise. Other times we know exactly what we did to cause the problem.

We have observed 4 patterns of reaction to relationship problems spouses engage in that actually hurt more than they help. They seem “good” because they keep us from feeling or dealing with the issue. That temporary relief fades quickly when the issue reoccurs. They always end up getting in the way of our goal of a lifelong relationship.

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Speaking The Truth To Your Spouse

The communication struggle that you may find yourself in is probably like well-worn ruts in a road. Your efforts to try to drive out of the ruts or keep from falling back into them will be frustrating. Learning new things always creates some discomfort at first but eventually, with practice, we learn to do it without much effort. Learning to Speak the Truth to each other will be difficult, but very rewarding.

We have witnessed Speaking and Hearing the Truth significantly change relationships. Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth.

Change is hard!

Lisa and Jimmy grew up in the same town, going to the same schools and the same church since they were born. They were in a serious relationship as she completed high school and left for college. Jimmy, who was a couple of years younger, asked her to marry him and gave her a Promise Ring just a couple of months into her college years. They were married just after his graduation, before he left for Air Force boot camp in San Antonio.

During their first several years of marriage, Lisa and Jimmy experienced a great deal of struggle. Between his absences for deployment and their multiple re-locations, they were unable to find a positive rhythm of interacting. A pastor referred them to us, and when Lisa called to make the appointment, she began the conversation by telling us, “I don’t think I ever really knew Jimmy. I thought I knew him, but he is not the man I thought he was.”

Jimmy and Lisa assumed that because they had been raised in the same town, going to the same church and schools and dating only each other, they knew everything there was to know about each other. When they were able to spend time together early in the marriage, they would act on the assumption that they knew what the other person really wanted. When their spouse did not do what they expected them to do, each thought they knew with certainty the reason why. It seemed that every area of their marriage was in conflict within just a few short months.

Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth.

She wanted to start a family soon, and he wanted to wait until his military commitment was completed. She believed that they should share responsibilities inside and outside of the house, while he thought his domain should include vehicle repairs, lawn work and household repairs, and that she should do all of the other chores. She thought taking care of her husband’s sexual needs should not ever need to be more than once every week to ten days, while he assumed that they should have sex every night unless one of them was sick or otherwise unable. He understood that they should spend any bonus money as they received it because he worked hard for the money; she thought that they should plan for the future and for emergencies by always putting some or all of his bonuses into savings.

Their differences of opinion about chores, sex, when to start their family, how to handle their finances, and many other issues were not the problem in their relationship. Their problem was that they did not realize how each of their individual truths was not shared by the other, and in the absence of that knowledge they were taking action on their assumptions (their truths). This was damaging their relationship. They were not only not speaking their truths to each other; they were also unable or unwilling to really hear the truth of the other person.