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Does Your Date Life Need More Adventure?

Mark and Bailey called for help in their marriage. “I don’t know that I have any feelings for my husband anymore,” she shared on the first call. When we met with them, they described accurately what it feels like to be married 13 years. “I guess I’m just not as attractive as I was when we first met,” Mark shared.

Mark and Bailey have not experienced an infidelity in their marriage relationship. There were no significant communication problems. They make decisions together and trust is high in the relationship. They are committed to growing old together.

But there is no passion. The flames of love had burned out. They saw each other as their best friend and soul mate, but there was no fuel for romantic love.

‘Kiss me with the sweet kisses of your lips,for your love delights me more than wine. The pleasant aroma of your fragrance rises in the air; your name is like precious perfume poured out… Take me away with you; let’s run away together!’ Song of Solomon 1:2-4

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What To Do When Your Spouse Makes You Feel Mad

“You always make me feel so mad.”

“It’s your fault because you cause me to be so crazy.”

“I wouldn’t treat you like that if you would just stop making me feel so frustrated.”

Dana and Mike had struggled for the last several years through a cycle of love and forgiveness, building tension, and explosive hurtful words and actions. And they are not alone. We have worked with many couples, like Dana and Mike, who live this crazy cycle of interacting.

You Make Me Feel This Way

Different versions of the same problem seem to focus on the idea that, somehow, it is our spouse’s fault that we are feeling the emotions that we are feeling. It is our spouse’s actions, or lack of action, that has caused me to feel these intense emotions. If we did not have this spouse, or if we did not experience our spouse’s actions (or lack of action) that way, then we would not feel the negative, intense emotions we are experiencing.

It makes for a perfect excuse to feel the way we do. When we blame our spouse for what we think about ourselves or how we feel, we have a great advantage of not having to accept responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, assumptions and actions. In our minds, we can experience a sort of “free pass” to blow up, act out, have a fit, etc.

Unless you are in a dangerous relationship, you need to double check your strategy of blaming how you feel all on your spouse.

‘When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin.[a] Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or give the devil room to work.’ Eph 4:26,27

What Causes Me To Feel So Bad?

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How Generosity Makes Your Marriage Better

Liam and Mary were in our offices in a crisis. They had set up their marriage early on as a series of transactions. Liam would do something for Mary that she wanted if Mary would do something for Liam that he wanted. It worked well for them until they experienced their first period of negative interactions. Then Liam would do something to Mary that she did not want because Mary had done something to Liam that he did not want.

Their communication skills were good. Each understood that the other was communicating that they were not important, did not matter, and were not of any value or worth. They did not have a communication problem. They had a generosity problem.

‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ Acts 20:35b (NIV)

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How being “selfless” is hurting your marriage.

James and Alicia were in our offices because they had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the prior six months. They had been in a long pattern of negative interaction resulting in great distrust of each other.

Within the first hour of the Marriage Intensive, Alicia described how much she gave of herself for the first seven years in their marriage. Her selfless acts included almost all of the domestic chores, financial management, most parenting, etc. She reported a cycle of giving to her limit, getting sick, having an angry outburst with hurtful words and threats, and beginning the cycle again.

Like many others in prior marriage intensives, Alicia was selfless to the point of harming herself and her family. Her selflessness was not helping her marriage and family but hurting her marriage and family.

Signs Your Selflessness May Be Hurting Your Family

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Be a Blessing

Ancient Words From Peter For Your Marriage Today!

In 1 Peter 3:1-14, here are the ancient words of wisdom for husbands and wives of today, as interpreted in The Message.

“The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.

Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as “my dear husband.” You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.

Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.”

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Are You Arguing More Than Most Couples?

There are no perfect marriages.

There are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect people. The last perfect person was crucified and people have been talking about Him for about 2,000 years.

There are no perfect marriages!

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Handling Negative Feedback From Your Spouse

Hearing about how something you are doing is a problem to someone or to a group does not feel good. No one likes learning that something about themselves might need to change.

Feedback is important to change and growth. For most of us, positive feedback is received like Teflon, it just falls off of us as possibly untrue and un-received. However, negative feedback is like Velcro, it sticks to us and we remember it long after our encounter with it.

It is especially true when our spouse shares negative feedback. Whether they share it with respect and in a time and place of our choosing, or without tact and appropriate demeanor, negative feedback is most difficult for us to receive from the one we love the most.

“Arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord, but wise men and women listen to each other’s counsel.” Proverbs 13:10

Why Your Spouse’s Negative Feedback Hurts

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How Your Brokenness Is Breaking Your Marriage

We have witnessed horrible brokenness in marriage over the years. In our full day Marriage Intensive, we sit with a couple as they share their brokenness.

Most of the time, we are unable to deal with the brokenness that brings them into our office until we work through some of the brokenness from the past. The affair, financial mistrust, lack of passion and love, and hurtful language and actions are frequently the results of some wounding much earlier in life that has been carried into the marriage.

Wounded Places

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The Top Five Reasons Family Traditions and Rituals Are Vital To Your Marriage

Family traditions and rituals are sometimes thought to be boring at one time or another, but most people have fond memories of a family tradition or ritual from their childhood. Perhaps it was how a holiday was celebrated, or perhaps what you did as a family every meal-time. Whatever it was, it puts a smile on your face today.

According to studies, marriages where family rituals and traditions are positive, build resilience, are happier, and have fewer conflicts. In other words, family rituals and traditions make marriages better.

‘Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.’ Deut 6:6 (MSG)

Why are family rituals and traditions so vital?

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The Number One Reason You Should Stay With Your Spouse and Work It Out

The divorce rate in America plateaued about four decades ago and has been sitting somewhere around 50% since then. Some people who read that may errantly believe that there is a 50-50 chance that their marriage will make it.

Not so! Here are the real divorce rate numbers.

  1. For first time marriages, about 41% end in divorce. This includes the more vulnerable marriages that involve children before marriage, addictions, mental health issues, late teen marriages, no faith, no college education, marriages in poverty, and other high risk situations. That means that there is at worst a 60% chance your marriage will not end in divorce.
  2. For second marriages, about 60% end in divorce. These is still a 4 in 10 chance your marriage will make it.
  3. For third marriages, about 73% end in divorce. The odds are really stacked against you statistically speaking. Less than 30% of couples who are marrying for the third time will avoid ending in divorce.

“Marriage should be honored by all…” Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)

The Duct Tape Factor