Tag Archives: christian marriage help

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15 Relationship Resolutions for 2015

Healthy relationships add to quality of life, life satisfaction, positive well-being and better health. Investing time and energy into our relationships improves our health, household income, career and genuine happiness.  The smallest changes in our interaction with those we care most about can make a huge difference in the health of our relationships.

You have probably already set New Year’s Resolutions that involve working out, eating healthy, perhaps taking additional classes or making other investments in your career.  Do not overlook the power of making small changes to strengthen your relationship and improve your chances of reaching your goals in other lifestyle areas.  Here are fifteen tips for better relationships in the New Year.

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Crucial Marriage Conversations (part 3)

What is a Crucial Conversation?

 A crucial conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.

It is crucial because if they have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also crucial because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.

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Crucial Marriage Conversations (part 2)

What is a Crucial Conversation?

 A crucial conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.

It is crucial because if they have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also crucial because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.

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Crucial Marriage Conversations (part 1)

What is a Crucial Conversation?

 A crucial conversation is a conversation that has a high degree of probability that it will involve emotions. Some conversations do not involve emotions and are not emotional. However, when you think you might be triggered emotionally when talking about the conversation, or when you think your spouse might be triggered when having the conversation, the conversation is a crucial conversation.

It is crucial because if they have the conversation, it might lead to high emotions which may result in damage to the relationship. It is also crucial because if there is no conversation, not resolving the issue will lead to further disengagement. This will lead to damage in the relationship.

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Is Your Marriage Worth Having the Crucial Conversations?

Too many couples have called us over the years in despair at the eleventh hour asking for help. Frequently when we meet with the couple in our office for a full day Marriage Intensive, what we learn is that they have unresolved issues that neither is willing to have a conversation about. The thing that is in their way, (usually because it elicits one or more of the Marriage Killers) is fear. They are afraid to have any in depth conversation.

Fear has so much power. When it is around, we usually get stuck. We become paralyzed and fail to act. We stop and hide. We run away from the issue as fast as we can. Fear debilitates us and moves us away from each other instead of toward each other.

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Why Being Defensive Kills Marriages!

Defensiveness is anything we use to move away from responsibility for something that our spouse believes that we have done or not done.  Defensiveness like it implies, means that we perceive what our spouse is saying about or to us as an attack. In response (whether it was done in a respectful way or in a way that was truly an attack) we employ defensiveness to keep from receiving responsibility.

Defensiveness can come in many forms. Stating clearly that you did not do something and listing the reasons may be defensive. Counter accusing your spouse with something that they did not do as well is defensive. A spouse might say, “I noticed that the grass is not mowed and is really getting tall.  Would you mind mowing the grass today or tomorrow?” And the defensive response might be, “I would have mowed the grass sooner but you said you would start putting your shoelaces in the closet instead of leaving them all over the house.”

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4 Things You Do That Make Your Relationship Problems Worse

Working with struggling couples for years, we know that sometimes the relationship problem is a surprise. Other times we know exactly what we did to cause the problem.

We have observed 4 patterns of reaction to relationship problems spouses engage in that actually hurt more than they help. They seem “good” because they keep us from feeling or dealing with the issue. That temporary relief fades quickly when the issue reoccurs. They always end up getting in the way of our goal of a lifelong relationship.

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Are Contempt and Sarcasm Killing Your Marriage?

Contempt is so destructive to relationships that we often call it the worst of the four Marriage Killers.  A spouse using contempt places himself in a position of power above the other spouse. The contemptuous person believes they are better, more helpful, more thoughtful, more considerate, more punctual, smarter, cleaner, neater, etc. that their spouse.

Contempt can look like put downs, “one-ups” and snarky sarcastic remarks.  It can be as obvious as stating you think the other person is useless, worthless, or disgusting or as subtle as rolling eyes a sigh. What the victim of contempt receives is total disrespect and scorn. Frequently they feel like not only that their spouse does not like them but that perhaps they actually hate them and want bad for them.

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What People Are Saying About “The Secret To Lifetime Love”

Check out the online reviews of “The Secret to Lifetime Love” (2014, Jaba Publishing).

 

A Healthy Shot in the Arm for Our Marriage.

By Leslie Herron

“We have been married for almost 30 years and are doing well. This book isn’t just for those who are struggling in marriage. It is also for all of us who need constant stretching and working out to keep our hearts and our marriages in shape. Roy and Devra have an open and fun style of communicating what is really going on in our marriages and how we can mend broken areas, as well as strengthen weak areas.”

Great, practical stuff!!

By Byron Myers

“This a great, practical book on communicating clearly. Roy and Devra do a great job of simplifying how to communicate better with your spouse and live free from barriers that damage marriage. Thank you Roy and Devra for living an example for other marriages and sharing with us new tools.”

There are few gems like this

By monika

“There are few books out there that really help you, and seem to really want to help you with your problem (relationships in this case) and this book delivers.”

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How the Silent Treatment is Killing Your Marriage

The “Silent Treatment” destroys the ability of spouses to communicate and resolve conflict.  That is why we have called it a “Marriage Killer”.  It is an expression of stonewalling.  Stonewalling is just as it sounds: anything we do that is building a stone wall between us and our spouse. Stonewalling means refusing to communicate or cooperate.

Stonewalling is common, although it takes many different forms. Slamming the door as you walk out of the room or pealing out as you leave the driveway. Using the “silent treatment” to be present and talk to everyone else except for the person with whom you are upset. It can look like diving into a book, your cell phone, electronic device like an iPad or laptop, or television. It can also look like hiding out in the “man-cave”, having to work late, or doing a lot of household chores.