We see it with almost every couple. Whatever just happened is interpreted by each spouse in the worst possible way.
“You did it on purpose.”
“What you said when you were angry is how you really feel about me.”
“You meant to hurt me.”
“You know I hate it, that is why you did it.”
2% Rule of Assumption
James and Sara came to a Marriage Intensive after thirteen years of marriage. She felt like she did not have a voice anymore in the marriage and that he would not listen to her. He felt like she did not put any effort into the relationship and would rather spend time with her friends than with him.
Near the end of the first hour, it was obvious what had happened. As soon as they married, they stopped doing the things that made them fall in love in the first place. No more dates. No more long conversations discovering each other. No more checking in with each other about what is going on in their worlds.
Over time, in the absence of emotional connection, they began to shut down. Not doing the things that connects your hearts leads to a barrenness and absence of warmth. Lack of heart connection is the foundation for negative interaction. The longer the lack of connection, the more frequent and intense the pattern of negative interaction.
We believe that almost every broken trust in a marriage can be traced back to a pattern of negative interaction that started with disconnection of the heart.
Five Questions That Will Connect Your Hearts
Have you ever said these things to your spouse?
What’s the big deal?
Oh, that’s really nothing?
You’re making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
Have you ever heard those things from your spouse?
Chances are that when you did, you were receiving some type of criticism from your spouse. Perhaps you made a unilateral decision that was not a big deal to you but was of great importance to your spouse. Or you did something without your spouse that your spouse wanted to do.
You unintentionally did something insignificant to you that was highly significant and important to your spouse.
The Negative Way Of Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing
Michael and Jessica were about an hour into a Marriage Intensive with us when we all four discovered something quite incredible: They both have the same core identity wound in their lives.
Michael’s Core Wound
Michael’s parents were together briefly as he was born but they never married. His father, in particular, was unengaged. He would show up for certain school functions, many times after drinking too much.
Too frequently when Michael sought out a brief “atta boy” from his father, he instead felt his father’s absence or, worse, sometimes heard his father’s criticism. His father, unintentionally, sent him a message that he is not goo enough.
Jessica’s Core Wound
Lisa was so angry when she called. “He always has to be right. He’d rather be right than have a relationship with me. He will do anything to win the argument.”
Lisa and Vann, married for seven years, were at a breaking point in their marriage when they called us for a Marriage Intensive. There were few words spoken between them that did not end up in an argument. Their sex life was absent. Their hearts were distant. And their commitment to their marriage was all but done.
Arguments Predict Divorce
According to the last few decades of research by The Gottman Institute, The strongest predictors of divorce are the frequency and intensity of arguments. All couples argue, but couples who do not make a life together forever marriage have frequent and intense arguments.
Why We Argue
Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs gave couples a wonderful picture of something that all couples experience at one time or another as they do life together forever. The Eggerichs believe that the symptom of couple’s most difficult challenges in marriage can be boiled down to what they call the Crazy Cycle.
The Crazy Cycle happens because each spouse is not getting what they need, and in turn, are refusing to give what the other needs. According to the Eggerichs, what husbands and wives need is clearly defined in scripture.
The Crazy Cycle
Phillip texted us pictures of his discussion with his wife. Long drawn out responses between two people who had made a lifelong commitment to each other just two years prior. Both were very negative.
The original debate was about whether or not they should go alone out to eat and see a movie that night or whether they should invite another couple. Within just a few short texts came an insult. Then a list of problems and issues in the marriage. Finally name calling with “evidence” about how bad that spouse was.
It was a horrible texting conversation to read. Phillip and Sara joined us for a marriage intensive the following weekend.
Text Fighting Easier Than Face to Face
Trevor was so angry when he called, “I believe my Shandra’s best friend is working to destroy our marriage.”
Shandra and Trevor have been married for seventeen years. She’s a stay-at-home mother of three and Trevor is an executive in an oil related fabrication business. They came into the marriage intensive because Trevor felt like Shandra has not interest in the marriage any more.
When Friends Threaten Your Marriage
Friends can create trust issues and begin to threaten the marriage when they do things like the following:
What To Do When Your Spouse’s Best Friend Is Hurting Your Marriage
Robert Cossick dropped by our Cypress, Texas offices recently to introduce his company, Battle Cries, to us. After working with men in CorporateUSA who were blowing up their marriages for a number of years, he wrote the book, “For The Honor Of The Vow”.
Like Robert, we have discovered at the very core of most marriage crises is a fundamental question:
Do you really want a better marriage?
The primary reason we ask this question so frequently of spouses seeking our counsel is because they are engaged in activities that do not reflect that they have a desire for a better marriage.
The VIDEO CREW Test
Although married couples continue to rank their sexual satisfaction higher than either cohabitating couples or singles, the sex life of most couples moves into problem areas over time. That is why there are so many articles, videos and products consumed by couples every year.
Married couples want better sex!
Baggage