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Is Your Marriage In The Crazy Cycle?

Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs gave couples a wonderful picture of something that all couples experience at one time or another as they do life together forever. The Eggerichs believe that the symptom of couple’s most difficult challenges in marriage can be boiled down to what they call the Crazy Cycle.

The Crazy Cycle happens because each spouse is not getting what they need, and in turn, are refusing to give what the other needs. According to the Eggerichs, what husbands and wives need is clearly defined in scripture.

“…Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 (NIV)

The Crazy Cycle

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Text Arguing

Phillip texted us pictures of his discussion with his wife. Long drawn out responses between two people who had made a lifelong commitment to each other just two years prior. Both were very negative.

The original debate was about whether or not they should go alone out to eat and see a movie that night or whether they should invite another couple. Within just a few short texts came an insult. Then a list of problems and issues in the marriage. Finally name calling with “evidence” about how bad that spouse was.

It was a horrible texting conversation to read. Phillip and Sara joined us for a marriage intensive the following weekend.

Text Fighting Easier Than Face to Face

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My Spouse’s Best Friend Is Hurting Our Marriage

Trevor was so angry when he called, “I believe my Shandra’s best friend is working to destroy our marriage.”

Shandra and Trevor have been married for seventeen years. She’s a stay-at-home mother of three and Trevor is an executive in an oil related fabrication business. They came into the marriage intensive because Trevor felt like Shandra has not interest in the marriage any more.

When Friends Threaten Your Marriage

Friends can create trust issues and begin to threaten the marriage when they do things like the following:

  • Friend demands a “night out” of fun every week or several times a week without spouse’s input or approval.
  • Conversation with friend is generally negative about marriage and spouses.
  • The friend gives advice that leads to questioning the trust of your spouse.
  • Friend’s opinion and input becomes more important and influential in decision making than your spouses.
  • Friend encourages your small breaks with integrity. “You deserve it.”.
  • Friend is single, in an open marriage, or cheating on their relationship.
  • Friends “supports” you by telling you that your spouse’s frustration with their relationship is their attempt to control you.

“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)

What To Do When Your Spouse’s Best Friend Is Hurting Your Marriage

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Do You Really Want A Better Marriage?

Robert Cossick dropped by our Cypress, Texas offices recently to introduce his company, Battle Cries, to us. After working with men in CorporateUSA who were blowing up their marriages for a number of years, he wrote the book, “For The Honor Of The Vow”.

Like Robert, we have discovered at the very core of most marriage crises is a fundamental question:

Do you really want a better marriage?

The primary reason we ask this question so frequently of spouses seeking our counsel is because they are engaged in activities that do not reflect that they have a desire for a better marriage.

The VIDEO CREW Test

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How Pizza Will Make Your Sex Life Better

Although married couples continue to rank their sexual satisfaction higher than either cohabitating couples or singles, the sex life of most couples moves into problem areas over time. That is why there are so many articles, videos and products consumed by couples every year.

Married couples want better sex!

Baggage

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Its Time To Speak The Truth

Change is hard!

The communication struggle that you may find yourself in is probably like well-worn ruts in a road. Your efforts to try to drive out of the ruts or keep from falling back into them will be frustrating. Learning new things always creates some discomfort at first but eventually, with practice, we learn to do it without much effort. Learning to Speak the Truth to each other will be difficult, but very rewarding.

We have witnessed Speaking and Hearing the Truth significantly change relationships. Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth.

Lisa and Jimmy grew up in the same town, going to the same schools and the same church since they were born. They were in a serious relationship as she completed high school and left for college. Jimmy, who was a couple of years younger, asked her to marry him and gave her a Promise Ring just a couple of months into her college years. They were married just after his graduation, before he left for Air Force boot camp in San Antonio.

During their first several years of marriage, Lisa and Jimmy experienced a great deal of struggle. Between his absences for deployment and their multiple re-locations, they were unable to find a positive rhythm of interacting. A pastor referred them to us, and when Lisa called to make the appointment, she began the conversation by telling us, “I don’t think I ever really knew Jimmy. I thought I knew him, but he is not the man I thought he was.”

Jimmy and Lisa assumed that because they had been raised in the same town, going to the same church and schools and dating only each other, they knew everything there was to know about each other. When they were able to spend time together early in the marriage, they would act on the assumption that they knew what the other person really wanted. When their spouse did not do what they expected them to do, each thought they knew with certainty the reason why. It seemed that every area of their marriage was in conflict within just a few short months.

Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth outlined the The Secret to Lifetime Love.

She wanted to start a family soon, and he wanted to wait until his military commitment was completed. She believed that they should share responsibilities inside and outside of the house, while he thought his domain should include vehicle repairs, lawn work and household repairs, and that she should do all of the other chores. She thought taking care of her husband’s sexual needs should not ever need to be more than once every week to ten days, while he assumed that they should have sex every night unless one of them was sick or otherwise unable. He understood that they should spend any bonus money as they received it because he worked hard for the money; she thought that they should plan for the future and for emergencies by always putting some or all of his bonuses into savings.

Their differences of opinion about chores, sex, when to start their family, how to handle their finances, and many other issues were not the problem in their relationship. Their problem was that they did not realize how each of their individual truths was not shared by the other, and in the absence of that knowledge they were taking action on their assumptions (their truths). This was damaging their relationship. They were not only not speaking their truths to each other; they were also unable or unwilling to really hear the truth of the other person.

We are happy to report that Jimmy and Lisa are doing well together. They spent a day with us in a Marriage Intensive and developed a plan for speaking and hearing each other’s truth. The plan included specific appointments to address each of their concerns one at a time. They had crucial conversations regarding when to start their family and how to handle finances. As they resolved each issue, they found themselves in a pattern of positive interaction and beginning to really like each other again. Jimmy and Lisa did the hard work of learning the skills we are sharing in this book, and it paid off in a marriage that is more committed — and in a relationship with a higher degree of intimacy than either had ever imagined!

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers.  What other suggestions you would add to our suggestions in this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2016. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at [email protected].

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Grace In The Moment

Deanna called describing deep sadness and depression. “Peter treats everyone better than he treats me. “ Over thirteen years ago she was drawn to Peter’s incredible graceful spirit toward everyone that he came in contact with. “Peter has a huge heart and is very caring, except when it comes to me.”

Peter and Deanna came in for a Marriage Intensive. During the course of the day we discovered that Peter’s good nature and high empathy with others was a great quality that had began to get in the way of the marriage he really wanted with his wife.

Grace on Empty

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Chasing Your Marriage Lions

Mark Batterson captures the essence of an incredibly brief story about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23:20-21 with his book “In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day”. Benaiah was one of King David’s right hand men. But earlier in his story, he chased a lion during a snow storm into a pit and lived to tell about it.

“Benaiah son of Jehoiada from Kabzeel was a vigorous man who accomplished a great deal… on a snowy day, he climbed down into a pit and killed a lion.” 2 Samuel 20 (Message)

According to Batterson, Benaiah was provided an opportunity to protect himself and his tribe. Instead of doing what made sense, doing something safe and easy, he did the hard thing. He went after the threat to his tribe. He took the fight to the threat instead of worrying and waiting to see if what he feared would kill his tribe.

We do not know much about Benaiah, but because of his faith in God and his incredible courage, he chased a lion into a pit and came out the victor. Because of it, King David gave him a promotion to chief in his army. He received everything that he wanted, in fact more than his heart’s desires, because he chased the lion threatening his whole world. 

What Are The Lions In Your Marriage?

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Do You Know What You Want In Your Marriage?

What do you want?

Several times when Jesus was questioned he replied with such a request.

When the blind man by the road called out for his attention, Jesus asked him, “What do you want from me?”

It seems so fundamental.

‘He came to the outskirts of Jericho. A blind man was sitting beside the road asking for handouts. When he heard the rustle of the crowd, he asked what was going on. They told him, “Jesus the Nazarene is going by.” He yelled, “Jesus! Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!” Those ahead of Jesus told the man to shut up, but he only yelled all the louder, “Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and ordered him to be brought over. When he had come near, Jesus asked, “What do you want from me?” He said, “Master, I want to see again.” Luke 18:35-41 (Message)

Yet spouse after spouse in the over 200 Marriage Intensives we have facilitated have struggled with answering the question.

You Know What You Don’t Want

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The Two Most Important Marriage Questions to Ask Yourself Every Day

We rehearse our last interactions with our spouse. Whatever we experienced in our relationship plays like a song stuck in our heads all day long. Our interactions, however brief, impact what we think about our spouse throughout the day.

The Pattern of Negative Interaction Cycle

When you think negatively about your spouse most of the day, how do you think you will interact with them when you get home? Of course you will interact in a negative way. The negative thoughts drive a negative interaction.

Your negativity begets negativity which results in you rehearsing more negative thoughts when you are away from them. And the cycle continues until you are absolutely convinced that you married the wrong person, your spouse must change for you to be happy, and you have no like, or love, toward them at all.

What you focus on creates the marriage relationship. Your continual focus on the most negative aspects of your relationship causes you to interact in such a way that you create more negative experiences.

You created the marriage relationship you are in. If you do not like it, you need to change what you are doing. You need to try something different. You need to take a step back from blaming your spouse and take unilateral action to begin to create the marriage you really want.