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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Mary and Dan were at an impasse after sixteen years of marriage. Dan was tired of “her bitchin’.” Mary was sick of not being able to trust that she was the only one. “I’m all done. I married the wrong person again.”

Mary had married right out of high school in what was an attempt to leave an abusive childhood home. After finding him in an affair with who she thought was her best friend, she divorced him. Within a year she met an older more mature man and quickly moved in. After five years in a controlling and dangerous marriage, she divorced him.

Mary had sworn off men when she met Dan. She needed a place to stay and they became roommates. In the next year, he asked her to marry him and they began a family.   Over the years, Mary’s heart vacillated between fully loving him and wondering when he would hurt her.

We Carry Our Past Relationships Into Our New Marriage

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The Four Marriage Killers

We are frequently asked by media, pastors, counselors and other professionals what leads to couples considering divorce. We have met, one couple at a time, with over 240 couples whose marriage is on the brink of divorce (many separated, some who have already filed, and one that had divorced two years prior), in a day long Marriage Intensive.

What Causes Infidelity and Mistrust

Our experience tells us that the ground-breaking research that Dr. John Gottman performed over four decades with over 3,000 couples holds true. Before there is infidelity or major financial mistrusts in the marriage, there are four Marriage Killers that show up in the marriage.

The four Marriage Killers create a negative pattern of interacting in the marriage that causes spouses to stop talking to each other. Hurt feelings, hardened hearts, disappointment, and bitterness leads to spouses being unable to resolve relationship issues. Each spouse attempts to protect themselves from the other. Connection and intimacy is broken and loneliness sets in.

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How To Make America Great Again!

There is quite a but of chatter in the political world about the phrase, “make America great again.” No matter what your political perspective or the proposed policies, you have to admit the phrase is intriguing.

We were speaking at St. Timothy’s Anglican Church Retreat recently on The Christian Family and decided that, although we are not running for office, we have a plan to make America great again!

‘Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.’ Psalm 127:1

The Formula for Making America Great Again

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How Fear Is Keeping You From Having A Great Marriage

A recent email to us read, “…I’m miserable in my marriage. When I read your email … it sounds like you want me to do everything… but my wife doesn’t want to change… I’m afraid if I do some of the things you recommend that it will make things worse. I think the same thing will happen if we get a Marriage Intensive… I don’t know what to do…”

Fear Is Paralyzing

For far too many spouses, what our friend wrote is so true. There are so many spouses who want to make their marriages healthy and strong. When they are given specific actions steps to take to create the marriage of their highest hopes and dreams, they sit on the sideline doing nothing. They are afraid that taking action to create the marriage they really want will create more of the same or make things worse.

Fear keeps good spouses from making great marriages in these ways:

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Surprising Ways You Are Unconsciously Defensive

At birth, babies are rather defenseless. Babies are incapable of telling us about any pains the are experiencing. They do not tell us that their stomach is hurting and that is why they are crying. They are totally defenseless from attacks by other humans, nature, or animals. As a child, you were dependent upon your parents to defend you from attack as you were incapable of defending yourself.

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. Proverbs 15:1 (Message)

Born With Limited Defenses

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Checking In With Your Spouse Creates We-ness!

Have you ever noticed that some people constantly speak positively about their spouse to everyone they meet? When the couple is together they act like they genuinely like each other? When there is a disagreement with anyone outside of the relationship, they take up for their spouse, even when all logic and rational judgement points that their spouse is wrong?

Creating a sense of WE-ness is essential to a successful life together forever.
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What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do

Chris set up a coaching call with Roy about the struggles he has been having with his wife.

“She criticizes everything I do. I can’t do anything right. I don’t know what to do.”

Roy asked, “What do you do when you hear her telling you in one way or another that you can’t do it right?”

Chris shared, “It just makes me so mad so I try to stay away from her. I get away from her as fast as I can. I tell her I need to go to work or I go out to the garage. I want to be anywhere but around her.”

What Do You Do When Your Spouse Triggers You?

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Remarrying Your Ex

Barnard and Shelley called for help in their relationship. He is the CEO of a mid-sized privately held fortune 500 company. She is an established attorney who has achieved praise from professionals across a broad spectrum of professional organizations. Their career achievements make them one of the highest powered couples we’ve ever worked with.

But they weren’t asking us to keep their marriage together. A few years ago, following a public affair and following advice of family and friends, they divorced. Since then they have continued to be cordial to each other in the co-parenting of their three children, who live with Shelley full time in the house they purchased together almost fifteen years prior.

Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we’re a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth. Ephesians 7:1 (Message)

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The Year Long Valentine Formula

February 14th is a day set aside to tell the one we love the most how much we love them. And retailers have made it an incredibly profitable day with this year’s gross Valentine’s sales for jewelry, flowers, clothing, candy, restaurants, cards and movies expected to be close to $19 billion dollars.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/93963757@N05/

‘Most of all, love each other steadily and unselfishly, because love makes up for many faults.’ I Peter 4:8 (VOICE)

Get More Bang For Your Buck By Stretching Valentines Out All Year

After you have spent the dough on something perishable for Valentines Day, we hope you will consider stretching Valentines out throughout the whole year in a much less expensive way. Here are some things you can do to rekindle the old flames or keep love alive.

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The Shocking Effect of Divorce On Children

While not all children of divorce fit these statistics, it is important to realize the uphill battle children of any age will face when their parents divorce.  Before you decide to divorce, consider the impact on your children.  Why not try one last effort to turn it around with one of our Marriage Intensives?

The Effect of Divorce On Children

‘For I, the God of Israel, hate divorce! I, the Commander of heavenly armies, despise it when people wrap themselves in violence like a garment. So guard yourselves; be true to your wife and not unfaithful.’ Malachi 2:16 NIV