Its Time To Speak The Truth

Change is hard!

The communication struggle that you may find yourself in is probably like well-worn ruts in a road. Your efforts to try to drive out of the ruts or keep from falling back into them will be frustrating. Learning new things always creates some discomfort at first but eventually, with practice, we learn to do it without much effort. Learning to Speak the Truth to each other will be difficult, but very rewarding.

We have witnessed Speaking and Hearing the Truth significantly change relationships. Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth.

Lisa and Jimmy grew up in the same town, going to the same schools and the same church since they were born. They were in a serious relationship as she completed high school and left for college. Jimmy, who was a couple of years younger, asked her to marry him and gave her a Promise Ring just a couple of months into her college years. They were married just after his graduation, before he left for Air Force boot camp in San Antonio.

During their first several years of marriage, Lisa and Jimmy experienced a great deal of struggle. Between his absences for deployment and their multiple re-locations, they were unable to find a positive rhythm of interacting. A pastor referred them to us, and when Lisa called to make the appointment, she began the conversation by telling us, “I don’t think I ever really knew Jimmy. I thought I knew him, but he is not the man I thought he was.”

Jimmy and Lisa assumed that because they had been raised in the same town, going to the same church and schools and dating only each other, they knew everything there was to know about each other. When they were able to spend time together early in the marriage, they would act on the assumption that they knew what the other person really wanted. When their spouse did not do what they expected them to do, each thought they knew with certainty the reason why. It seemed that every area of their marriage was in conflict within just a few short months.

Couples arguing over money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, recreation, faith, and other areas have significantly increased their marital satisfaction and intimacy by following the rules of Speaking and Hearing the Truth outlined the The Secret to Lifetime Love.

She wanted to start a family soon, and he wanted to wait until his military commitment was completed. She believed that they should share responsibilities inside and outside of the house, while he thought his domain should include vehicle repairs, lawn work and household repairs, and that she should do all of the other chores. She thought taking care of her husband’s sexual needs should not ever need to be more than once every week to ten days, while he assumed that they should have sex every night unless one of them was sick or otherwise unable. He understood that they should spend any bonus money as they received it because he worked hard for the money; she thought that they should plan for the future and for emergencies by always putting some or all of his bonuses into savings.

Their differences of opinion about chores, sex, when to start their family, how to handle their finances, and many other issues were not the problem in their relationship. Their problem was that they did not realize how each of their individual truths was not shared by the other, and in the absence of that knowledge they were taking action on their assumptions (their truths). This was damaging their relationship. They were not only not speaking their truths to each other; they were also unable or unwilling to really hear the truth of the other person.

We are happy to report that Jimmy and Lisa are doing well together. They spent a day with us in a Marriage Intensive and developed a plan for speaking and hearing each other’s truth. The plan included specific appointments to address each of their concerns one at a time. They had crucial conversations regarding when to start their family and how to handle finances. As they resolved each issue, they found themselves in a pattern of positive interaction and beginning to really like each other again. Jimmy and Lisa did the hard work of learning the skills we are sharing in this book, and it paid off in a marriage that is more committed — and in a relationship with a higher degree of intimacy than either had ever imagined!

What do you have to say?

We love to hear from readers.  What other suggestions you would add to our suggestions in this article? Do you know someone you need to forward this article to?

This article was written by Roy and Devra Wooten, authors of “The Secret to a Lifetime Love”. Learn more at www.LifeTogetherForever.com © Roy and Devra Wooten 2016. All Rights Reserved. You may replicate this article as long as it is provided free to recipients and includes appropriate attribution. Written permission for other use may be obtained at [email protected].

Grace In The Moment

Deanna called describing deep sadness and depression. “Peter treats everyone better than he treats me. “ Over thirteen years ago she was drawn to Peter’s incredible graceful spirit toward everyone that he came in contact with. “Peter has a huge heart and is very caring, except when it comes to me.”

Peter and Deanna came in for a Marriage Intensive. During the course of the day we discovered that Peter’s good nature and high empathy with others was a great quality that had began to get in the way of the marriage he really wanted with his wife.

Grace on Empty

Chasing Your Marriage Lions

Mark Batterson captures the essence of an incredibly brief story about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23:20-21 with his book “In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day”. Benaiah was one of King David’s right hand men. But earlier in his story, he chased a lion during a snow storm into a pit and lived to tell about it.

“Benaiah son of Jehoiada from Kabzeel was a vigorous man who accomplished a great deal… on a snowy day, he climbed down into a pit and killed a lion.” 2 Samuel 20 (Message)

According to Batterson, Benaiah was provided an opportunity to protect himself and his tribe. Instead of doing what made sense, doing something safe and easy, he did the hard thing. He went after the threat to his tribe. He took the fight to the threat instead of worrying and waiting to see if what he feared would kill his tribe.

We do not know much about Benaiah, but because of his faith in God and his incredible courage, he chased a lion into a pit and came out the victor. Because of it, King David gave him a promotion to chief in his army. He received everything that he wanted, in fact more than his heart’s desires, because he chased the lion threatening his whole world. 

What Are The Lions In Your Marriage?

Do You Know What You Want In Your Marriage?

What do you want?

Several times when Jesus was questioned he replied with such a request.

When the blind man by the road called out for his attention, Jesus asked him, “What do you want from me?”

It seems so fundamental.

‘He came to the outskirts of Jericho. A blind man was sitting beside the road asking for handouts. When he heard the rustle of the crowd, he asked what was going on. They told him, “Jesus the Nazarene is going by.” He yelled, “Jesus! Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!” Those ahead of Jesus told the man to shut up, but he only yelled all the louder, “Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and ordered him to be brought over. When he had come near, Jesus asked, “What do you want from me?” He said, “Master, I want to see again.” Luke 18:35-41 (Message)

Yet spouse after spouse in the over 200 Marriage Intensives we have facilitated have struggled with answering the question.

You Know What You Don’t Want

The Two Most Important Marriage Questions to Ask Yourself Every Day

We rehearse our last interactions with our spouse. Whatever we experienced in our relationship plays like a song stuck in our heads all day long. Our interactions, however brief, impact what we think about our spouse throughout the day.

The Pattern of Negative Interaction Cycle

When you think negatively about your spouse most of the day, how do you think you will interact with them when you get home? Of course you will interact in a negative way. The negative thoughts drive a negative interaction.

Your negativity begets negativity which results in you rehearsing more negative thoughts when you are away from them. And the cycle continues until you are absolutely convinced that you married the wrong person, your spouse must change for you to be happy, and you have no like, or love, toward them at all.

What you focus on creates the marriage relationship. Your continual focus on the most negative aspects of your relationship causes you to interact in such a way that you create more negative experiences.

You created the marriage relationship you are in. If you do not like it, you need to change what you are doing. You need to try something different. You need to take a step back from blaming your spouse and take unilateral action to begin to create the marriage you really want.

Be Courageous In The Face of Criticism

Stewart tells us that he takes a beating every day. “I come home physically and mentally tired from working twelve hours for my family and she’s right on me the very minute I come in the house.”

Stewart and Brianna had been married less than a year when he called for a Marriage Intensive. “I can’t take it anymore. I can never do anything right”.

Criticism In Marriage

Stewart and Brianna are like most couples. There always seems to be one spouse with a sharper tongue who is not afraid to use it to express how they feel or what they want. Criticism is one of the four Marriage Killers that, left untended, will destroy a marriage relationship.

The truth is that all married couples experience criticism. In fact, all spouses at some time in their marriage will employ criticism. All spouses at some point in their marriage will feel the attack of criticism from their spouse.

‘…you shouldn’t exhaust yourself in bickering; instead, be gentle… ready and able to teach, tolerant without resentment,’ 2 Timothy 2:24b,d (VOICE)

Courage When Under Attack

When Your Husband Refuses To Be The Spiritual Leader of the Home

Beverly called to schedule a Marriage Intensive. “I’m a very strong Christian but my husband refuses to be the spiritual leader of our home.” Over the next few minutes she described how this issue was negatively affecting every part of their marriage relationship.

Jeff and Beverly had different approaches to their relationship with God.

  • Beverly enjoys daily time reading the Bible and Jeff listens to sermons on the way to work every morning.
  • Beverly is at almost every event at church and Jeff attends those that he could be of service in some way.
  • Beverly loves attending worship service and emotionally responds to worship music while Jeff seems totally un-phased and stoic during worship music time.
  • Beverly feels filled-up after attending events with several teachers while Jeff has trouble sitting and paying attention more than about thirty minutes and returns home drained.
  • Beverly wants Jeff to approach every problem in their marriage first with a prayer while Jeff is happy with praying together at meal times and on special occasions.
  • Beverly’s connects with God in solitude, prayer, reading the Bible and corporate worship while Jeff feels closest to God when he is serving other people or viewing God’s beautiful creating outdoors.

Demanding Your Spouse Loves God The Same Way You Do

Not Telling The Truth Is Ruining Your Marriage

How does a spouse go from “until death do us part” to engaging in an affair?

What moves someone from a life together forever commitment to I need what I need right now?

How can a spouse risk the loss of spouse and children for a few moments of pleasure?

Chips In Integrity

We recently got a chip in the front window of our vehicle. If you have ever had anything like that happen to you, you know what happens. A small chip seems like no big deal. You can still see clearly around it, and in fact you may not notice it unless you are looking for it.

Left untended, it begins to splinter and crack. It looks like a glass web as its effect spreads farther and wider. If you had forgotten in, you will certainly begin to notice its affect now.

With the spreading chip, the window still works. You can see around the crack. Everyone behind the window is still safe.

Left untended, it broadens. The very integrity of the front window glass becomes compromised. You and everyone in your vehicle’s safety, and life, become at risk.

Untended Lies Spread And Put You And Your Marriage At Risk

Lose The YOU’s and Use The I’s

We have learned a great many things in our experiences with couples who have come to our Life Together Forever Couples Retreats and Workshops and who have been through one of our Marriage Intensives.

While teaching how to communicate to your spouse in a way they will receive it, one of the wives raised her hand and said, “I need to lose the YOUs and Use the I’s”. We told her that it would be in one of our next several blogs because it is so good.

My Spouse Never Hears Me

If you are like most spouses, you have a season at some time in your marriage where you feel like your spouse just does not hear what you are saying. Because they have shown no evidence that they understand what you want them to do or stop doing, you have likely begun to do things that actually cause more harm in your relationship.

When your spouse does not hear you, you may be one who talks louder and louder until you are screaming. Or maybe you throw a fit. Or maybe you just say the same thing over and over believing that repetition will make him understand it. Perhaps you withdraw and move away. Or you stop communicating anything at all.

Nothing I Can Do Until My Spouse Listens

‘Warn them before God to stop their useless bickering over words. After all, splitting hairs does no good; it only ruins those forced to listen to their meritless arguments.’ 2 Timothy 2:14b

It’s Not Really About The Toothpaste

Barry packed a suitcase and announced at the garage door that he was moving out. “Go *&!@#$% yourself”, Stacie yelled back. He pulled out of the garage headed for the couch at the office with tears in his eyes as she sat balling on the living room couch.

It had all started over an argument about toothpaste. She wanted him to stop leaving toothpaste residue in the sink and to stop leaving his toothpaste tube on the counter. He shut down and stopped talking. With no response, she came at him louder and stronger to try to get confirmation from him. Less than minutes later, they were separated.

Stacie called to set up a Marriage Intensive. They had been to a marriage counselor before and had also been to their minister several times over their thirty years of marriage. Barry refused to try counseling again as it always ended up in them yelling at each other in the counselor’s office. Their minister helped them have more grace and forgiveness but the issues would just pop again in the next week. She wanted to try something different because she was scared this was finally the end.

It’s Not About The Toothpaste

Within the first couple of hours of the Marriage Intensive, we helped each person discover the real issue behind the toothpaste argument.

‘Work toward unity, and live in harmony with one another. ‘ Romans 12:16a (VOICE)