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When Your Facebook Marriage Is Better Than Reality

Let’s face it. We all put the best parts of ourselves forward in our online social media.   In fact, we rarely communicate the challenges of life while almost always posting the best things about being us.

Charlotte called to schedule a Marriage Intensive. She told us about how obsessed her husband was with telling the world how wonderful their marriage was. “I just wish I had a marriage half as great as my husband makes it out to be on Facebook.”

Social Media And Relationship Reality

Charlotte is not alone. One study revealed that positive posts about relationship partners is higher when there is conflict in the relationship. Another study found that those who post positively about their relationship have lower self confidence. In yet another study, over 75% of people reportedly “lie” on Facebook about their reality, making it appear better than it actually is.  Divorce attorneys have reported that Facebook is involved in around 80% of divorce proceedings.

Social Media Can Interfere With Relationships

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Breathe New Life Into Your Marriage

There is an important place for routine in our lives. Having a rhythm of how we do our life feels safe and creates comfort. Habits create routines that lead to positive and negative results. For instance, a routine of spending less than you make leads to wealth, while the opposite routine leads to financial ruin.

But routine in our married life is dangerous. Routine suffocates the life out of your marriage. In fact Honore de Balzac wrote in the early 1800s that “Marriage must fight constantly against a monster which devours everything: routine.”

The Benefits of Adventure

We feel most alive when we are in new experiences. Adventure changes us physically.

  • Improves our body’s immune system.
  • Increases mental sharpness.
  • Improves self-confidence and self efficacy.
  • Decreases stress and the impact of stress.
  • Assists in weight control.

When you do it with your spouse, it breathes new life into your marriage. Adventure bonds together the hearts of two spouses.

Create Adventure In Your Marriage

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How Long Do I Wait Before Divorce

Lisa called about her marriage problems. She does not want to ask her husband to go to counseling with her because she thinks he won’t come. If he comes, he won’t change. So she asked us this horrible question:

“How long do I wait for my spouse to change before I end the marriage?”

All My Spouse’s Fault

One of the problems with her question is that it assumes that all the problems with her marriage are her spouse’s fault. It assumes that if her spouse would change, she would have a better and healthier marriage.

Except for cases where dangerous things are happening, the problems in the marriage are rarely one spouse’s fault. If either spouse has contributed in any way to the marriage problem, then they have some room to stand into their power, make different decisions and affect their marriage for good.

Permission to Divorce

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Five Reasons Divorce Happens

We are frequently asked about why couples divorce. Our usual answer is focused on what couples do within their marriage that eventually leads to them living separate lives in the same home. The reasons commonly blamed for divorce, such as infidelity and financial issues, are really symptoms of the marital challenges already experienced in the marriage.

“I hate divorce,” says [God….He] says, “I hate the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage.” So watch yourselves. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cheat. Malachi 2:16 (MSG)

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When Your Spouse Doesn’t Have Any Common Sense

Jessica was on the phone with us scheduling a Marriage Intensive. “Austin doesn’t really love me because if he did I would not have to tell him to do the things that any man who loves his wife would do.”

For the first few years after Jessica and Austin married, nine years ago, Jessica felt like they were truly in love with each other. But for the last seven years, Jessica has been repeatedly hurt by his unwillingness “to love me”. This has built such resentment and bitterness in her heart that affects everything.

Holding onto past hurts and allowing resentment to build in your heart makes you act in ways that pushes your spouse away from you. Eventually it leads to, at best, a home with two people living independent parallel lives, or at worse, actions that finalize the end of the marriage in very hurtful ways.

Common Sense Is Not Common

Like Jessica and Austin, every marriage has dashed expectations. When the movie playing in your head about how you and your spouse should interact and what each should do does not happen, it can be very hurtful.

You assume that the movie playing in your head about how things should happen is the same movie playing in your spouse’s head. But it is not. And it is not the same movie playing in everyone else’s head.

The Movie Playing In Your Head

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Stop Assuming The Very Worst

We see it with almost every couple. Whatever just happened is interpreted by each spouse in the worst possible way.

“You did it on purpose.”

“What you said when you were angry is how you really feel about me.”

“You meant to hurt me.”

“You know I hate it, that is why you did it.”

‘Don’t jump to conclusions—there may be a perfectly good explanation for what you just saw.’ Proverbs 25:8 (Message)

2% Rule of Assumption

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Five Questions Every Married Person Should Ask Their Spouse

James and Sara came to a Marriage Intensive after thirteen years of marriage. She felt like she did not have a voice anymore in the marriage and that he would not listen to her. He felt like she did not put any effort into the relationship and would rather spend time with her friends than with him.

Near the end of the first hour, it was obvious what had happened. As soon as they married, they stopped doing the things that made them fall in love in the first place. No more dates. No more long conversations discovering each other. No more checking in with each other about what is going on in their worlds.

Over time, in the absence of emotional connection, they began to shut down. Not doing the things that connects your hearts leads to a barrenness and absence of warmth. Lack of heart connection is the foundation for negative interaction. The longer the lack of connection, the more frequent and intense the pattern of negative interaction.

We believe that almost every broken trust in a marriage can be traced back to a pattern of negative interaction that started with disconnection of the heart.

Five Questions That Will Connect Your Hearts

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Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing

Have you ever said these things to your spouse?

What’s the big deal?

Oh, that’s really nothing?

You’re making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

Have you ever heard those things from your spouse?

Chances are that when you did, you were receiving some type of criticism from your spouse. Perhaps you made a unilateral decision that was not a big deal to you but was of great importance to your spouse. Or you did something without your spouse that your spouse wanted to do.

You unintentionally did something insignificant to you that was highly significant and important to your spouse.

“Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand!” Galations 5:1a (MESSAGE)

The Negative Way Of Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing

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Wounding Each Other With Our Woundedness

Michael and Jessica were about an hour into a Marriage Intensive with us when we all four discovered something quite incredible: They both have the same core identity wound in their lives.

Michael’s Core Wound

Michael’s parents were together briefly as he was born but they never married. His father, in particular, was unengaged. He would show up for certain school functions, many times after drinking too much.

Too frequently when Michael sought out a brief “atta boy” from his father, he instead felt his father’s absence or, worse, sometimes heard his father’s criticism. His father, unintentionally, sent him a message that he is not goo enough.

Jessica’s Core Wound

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Winning The Argument Is Costing You Your Marriage

Lisa was so angry when she called. “He always has to be right. He’d rather be right than have a relationship with me. He will do anything to win the argument.”

Lisa and Vann, married for seven years, were at a breaking point in their marriage when they called us for a Marriage Intensive. There were few words spoken between them that did not end up in an argument. Their sex life was absent. Their hearts were distant. And their commitment to their marriage was all but done.

Arguments Predict Divorce

According to the last few decades of research by The Gottman Institute, The strongest predictors of divorce are the frequency and intensity of arguments. All couples argue, but couples who do not make a life together forever marriage have frequent and intense arguments.

‘…pursue a life that creates peace and builds up…’ Romans 14:19 (VOICE)

Why We Argue