Category Archives: Before You Divorce

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Do You Really Want A Better Marriage?

Robert Cossick dropped by our Cypress, Texas offices recently to introduce his company, Battle Cries, to us. After working with men in CorporateUSA who were blowing up their marriages for a number of years, he wrote the book, “For The Honor Of The Vow”.

Like Robert, we have discovered at the very core of most marriage crises is a fundamental question:

Do you really want a better marriage?

The primary reason we ask this question so frequently of spouses seeking our counsel is because they are engaged in activities that do not reflect that they have a desire for a better marriage.

The VIDEO CREW Test

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Chasing Your Marriage Lions

Mark Batterson captures the essence of an incredibly brief story about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23:20-21 with his book “In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day”. Benaiah was one of King David’s right hand men. But earlier in his story, he chased a lion during a snow storm into a pit and lived to tell about it.

“Benaiah son of Jehoiada from Kabzeel was a vigorous man who accomplished a great deal… on a snowy day, he climbed down into a pit and killed a lion.” 2 Samuel 20 (Message)

According to Batterson, Benaiah was provided an opportunity to protect himself and his tribe. Instead of doing what made sense, doing something safe and easy, he did the hard thing. He went after the threat to his tribe. He took the fight to the threat instead of worrying and waiting to see if what he feared would kill his tribe.

We do not know much about Benaiah, but because of his faith in God and his incredible courage, he chased a lion into a pit and came out the victor. Because of it, King David gave him a promotion to chief in his army. He received everything that he wanted, in fact more than his heart’s desires, because he chased the lion threatening his whole world. 

What Are The Lions In Your Marriage?

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Not Telling The Truth Is Ruining Your Marriage

How does a spouse go from “until death do us part” to engaging in an affair?

What moves someone from a life together forever commitment to I need what I need right now?

How can a spouse risk the loss of spouse and children for a few moments of pleasure?

Chips In Integrity

We recently got a chip in the front window of our vehicle. If you have ever had anything like that happen to you, you know what happens. A small chip seems like no big deal. You can still see clearly around it, and in fact you may not notice it unless you are looking for it.

Left untended, it begins to splinter and crack. It looks like a glass web as its effect spreads farther and wider. If you had forgotten in, you will certainly begin to notice its affect now.

With the spreading chip, the window still works. You can see around the crack. Everyone behind the window is still safe.

Left untended, it broadens. The very integrity of the front window glass becomes compromised. You and everyone in your vehicle’s safety, and life, become at risk.

Untended Lies Spread And Put You And Your Marriage At Risk

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It’s Not Really About The Toothpaste

Barry packed a suitcase and announced at the garage door that he was moving out. “Go *&!@#$% yourself”, Stacie yelled back. He pulled out of the garage headed for the couch at the office with tears in his eyes as she sat balling on the living room couch.

It had all started over an argument about toothpaste. She wanted him to stop leaving toothpaste residue in the sink and to stop leaving his toothpaste tube on the counter. He shut down and stopped talking. With no response, she came at him louder and stronger to try to get confirmation from him. Less than minutes later, they were separated.

Stacie called to set up a Marriage Intensive. They had been to a marriage counselor before and had also been to their minister several times over their thirty years of marriage. Barry refused to try counseling again as it always ended up in them yelling at each other in the counselor’s office. Their minister helped them have more grace and forgiveness but the issues would just pop again in the next week. She wanted to try something different because she was scared this was finally the end.

It’s Not About The Toothpaste

Within the first couple of hours of the Marriage Intensive, we helped each person discover the real issue behind the toothpaste argument.

‘Work toward unity, and live in harmony with one another. ‘ Romans 12:16a (VOICE)

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When My Spouse’s World View and Dreams Are Different Than Mine

Rhonda called frustrated that she and her husband do not want to be around each other at all. “When we don’t talk to each other, it feels tolerable. But any time we talk, we get into an argument that usually ends in yelling. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Like many couples who have called us for a full day Marriage Intensive, Terry and Rhonda had fell into a negative pattern of interacting. They were stuck in a cycle of relationship death.

When we met, Terry said, “I am a quarterback. I call the plays. I call the audibles. I lead my team to victory. “ At the heart of his contribution to the problems in the marriage was a life dream and world view that was killing his marriage.

‘… even if they don’t obey God’s word, as they observe your pure respectful behavior, they may be persuaded without a word by the way you live.’ I Peter 3:2 (VOICE)

World View

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How Do I Handle The Silent Treatment?

Philip called for help in his marriage. “I see no reason for me to stay in a relationship where she won’t talk to me for days. How do I handle the silent treatment?”

Over the course of the day with us in the Marriage Intensive, Philip and Kelsi each found things that they could do to create the healthy marriage they had always wanted. One of the keys to making their marriage work was Kelsi’s willingness to discover what was behind her behavior that was causing Philip so much pain and leading to his consideration of ending the relationship.

‘Love is patient; love is kind. Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; but truth—yes, truth—is love’s delight!’ I Corinthians 13:4-6 (VOICE)

The Silent Treatment Is Emotional Abuse

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Is Your Spouse Number One In Your Life?

Evan called to tell us, “My wife makes everyone else more important than me. All I get is the left overs.”

Evan was calling to schedule a Marriage Intensive. He had found someone at work who was making time for him, making him feel special, and reciprocating his compliments toward her. Thankfully his wife discovered text messages before it moved into a physical relationship.

Evan is like many spouses we have seen over the years: wives and husbands who feel alone in their own marriage. They are committed to the marriage and giving to their spouses, but their good “spousing” (word we made up years ago) was not being reciprocated in any way.

What Makes Your Spouse Feel Last

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Can A Marriage Be Restored After An Affair?

Melissa called for a marriage intensive the week that her affair was discovered by her husband. Her individual counselor had told her, “If you can get James to go, it’s the only thing I know that has a chance to save your marriage.”

When she called she said, “I don’t know if this marriage can be saved. He kicked me out of the house. I don’t know if James will ever forgive me or trust me again.”

‘Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trusts, hopes, and endures no matter what.’ I Corinthians 13:7 (VOICE)

Affairs Are Rarely About Sex

During the first hour together, we were able to learn that James has set up his life so that he doesn’t express or trust his feelings. His father was abusive to him and his mother. He learned early on not to express his feelings or he would be belittled or beaten.   As a law enforcement official, this way of doing life worked well for him and he was highly respected by his supervisors and peers.

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Relationship Counseling: Getting Help When Things Look Hopeless

Every couple has struggles.

Every couple!

Every spouse feels, at one time or another, like quitting.

Every spouse!

Relationships are hard. Doing life together forever is one of the greatest challenges in life.

Looking For Help In All The Wrong Places

When a spouse is struggling in their relationship, they will seek help. They usually begin by searching on the internet for relationship articles addressing their issue. They also search through magazines and books for some source of information that may be helpful.