Making love is good for your marriage! But problems in the marriage bed are a common issue with couples doing life together forever. Your marriage is worth the effort of prioritizing physical connection with your spouse.

Sex Is Good

1. God wants you to have good sex. The Bible is clear that God wants you to have sex for procreation, for recreational fun, in marriage only, and with your spouse even when you do not necessarily feel like it.
2. Passion Keeps You Together. Your sexual attraction toward your spouse helps you stay together and strengthens other parts of your marriage. Passion is a key indicator, along with emotional connection and commitment, of the health of your marriage.
3. Sex Keeps You Healthy. Regular sexual activity improves your immune system, increases your cardiovascular and pulmonary systems, improves mood and emotional health, and strengthens your cognitive abilities.

Common Sexual Problems

Daniel and Teresa invested a day in a marriage intensive.   They were in a long pattern of negative interaction that included frequent and intense use of the Marriage Killers. By the end of the day, each had made individual, unilateral commitments to move toward the marriage they wanted.

About two weeks later, we met them for a follow up visit. He had done almost everything that he had committed to doing. She had not fully kept a single commitment on her list.   During the session we helped her uncover deep anger and resentment about how her life was different than the dream she had about it.

Why You Hold On To Anger

Like many spouses we have worked with, holding on to anger is a major block to moving the marriage forward. There are two primary reasons why we keep our resentments instead of moving forward.

Let’s face it. We all put the best parts of ourselves forward in our online social media.   In fact, we rarely communicate the challenges of life while almost always posting the best things about being us.

Charlotte called to schedule a Marriage Intensive. She told us about how obsessed her husband was with telling the world how wonderful their marriage was. “I just wish I had a marriage half as great as my husband makes it out to be on Facebook.”

Social Media And Relationship Reality

Charlotte is not alone. One study revealed that positive posts about relationship partners is higher when there is conflict in the relationship. Another study found that those who post positively about their relationship have lower self confidence. In yet another study, over 75% of people reportedly “lie” on Facebook about their reality, making it appear better than it actually is.  Divorce attorneys have reported that Facebook is involved in around 80% of divorce proceedings.

Social Media Can Interfere With Relationships

Lisa called about her marriage problems. She does not want to ask her husband to go to counseling with her because she thinks he won’t come. If he comes, he won’t change. So she asked us this horrible question:

“How long do I wait for my spouse to change before I end the marriage?”

All My Spouse’s Fault

One of the problems with her question is that it assumes that all the problems with her marriage are her spouse’s fault. It assumes that if her spouse would change, she would have a better and healthier marriage.

Except for cases where dangerous things are happening, the problems in the marriage are rarely one spouse’s fault. If either spouse has contributed in any way to the marriage problem, then they have some room to stand into their power, make different decisions and affect their marriage for good.

Permission to Divorce

Lisa was so angry when she called. “He always has to be right. He’d rather be right than have a relationship with me. He will do anything to win the argument.”

Lisa and Vann, married for seven years, were at a breaking point in their marriage when they called us for a Marriage Intensive. There were few words spoken between them that did not end up in an argument. Their sex life was absent. Their hearts were distant. And their commitment to their marriage was all but done.

Arguments Predict Divorce

According to the last few decades of research by The Gottman Institute, The strongest predictors of divorce are the frequency and intensity of arguments. All couples argue, but couples who do not make a life together forever marriage have frequent and intense arguments.

Why We Argue

Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs gave couples a wonderful picture of something that all couples experience at one time or another as they do life together forever. The Eggerichs believe that the symptom of couple’s most difficult challenges in marriage can be boiled down to what they call the Crazy Cycle.

The Crazy Cycle happens because each spouse is not getting what they need, and in turn, are refusing to give what the other needs. According to the Eggerichs, what husbands and wives need is clearly defined in scripture.

The Crazy Cycle

Trevor was so angry when he called, “I believe my Shandra’s best friend is working to destroy our marriage.”

Shandra and Trevor have been married for seventeen years. She’s a stay-at-home mother of three and Trevor is an executive in an oil related fabrication business. They came into the marriage intensive because Trevor felt like Shandra has not interest in the marriage any more.

When Friends Threaten Your Marriage

Friends can create trust issues and begin to threaten the marriage when they do things like the following:

• Friend demands a “night out” of fun every week or several times a week without spouse’s input or approval.
• Conversation with friend is generally negative about marriage and spouses.
• The friend gives advice that leads to questioning the trust of your spouse.
• Friend’s opinion and input becomes more important and influential in decision making than your spouses.
• Friend encourages your small breaks with integrity. “You deserve it.”.
• Friend is single, in an open marriage, or cheating on their relationship.
• Friends “supports” you by telling you that your spouse’s frustration with their relationship is their attempt to control you.

What To Do When Your Spouse’s Best Friend Is Hurting Your Marriage