Category Archives: Creating The Marriage You Want

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Two For Tuesday

Doug said, “I already gave you a kiss when I got home.” They were in an argument in front of us during a Marriage Intensive. Rhonda was complaining about how “he never shows any affection towards me.” Doug was explaining that he feels like he has already checked it off his to-do list.

“Above all else, watch over your heart; diligently guard it because from a sincere and pure heart come the good and noble things of life.” Proverbs 4:23

What they were telling us, and so many couples have told us over the years, is that the behavior alone does not accomplish the job. Working from a to-do list to show love to your spouse is a good start, but it only works if it is coming from your heart.

Two For Tuesday

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When Your Spouse Doesn’t See The Change

Kurt was frustrated during the first follow up meeting about two weeks after the Marriage Intensive. “I’ve changed but she doesn’t see it.”

Kurt had settled into a pattern over the six years of marriage that told Maria that she was not very important. He focused on work, leaving the house early without saying goodbye, not texting or calling her during the day and becoming frustrated when she reached out to him, coming home late and expressing his disgust if she asked him to help with chores or the kids, complaining if the house was not picked up or if his laundry was not done, and expressing his displeasure with their sex life.

During the Marriage Intensive, his eyes were opened to all that he was doing that was contributing to them feeling like they had a loveless marriage. He made commitments to connect with her more frequently, communicate his appreciation for her and all she does, touch her in non-sexual ways more frequently, help out with the chores, and spend time connecting with her other than sexually.

In the follow up meeting, they both reported that he was doing all that he committed to do. When he said that he did not feel like she was treating him any differently, she said, “I don’t know if you are doing this because you knew we were going to have another session or if you are doing this because you have really changed.”

The Change Cycle

It is a common complaint we have heard over the years in our work with couples. It is because there is a cycle to the change process that, once you understand, will allow you to give it time to work.

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Simplify Your Marriage

Kim called to see if her and her husband would benefit from a Marriage Intensive. She seemed to be at the end of her rope. “Marriage is so complicated. I don’t know if Matt and I will ever be able to work it all out.”

After working with thousands of couples over the last twenty-five years, we believe spouses too often complicate marriage. One of the most powerful and effective thing a couple can do is simplify their marriage.

‘One pretends he is wealthy but has nothing, while another seems to be poor but has great wealth. The rich are targeted and must ransom their lives, but no one bothers to threaten the poor. The light of the right-living brings joy as it burns brightly; the lamp of a wrongdoer will be snuffed out. Arrogance only produces arguments, but wisdom accompanies those well advised. Money earned hastily is easily lost, but hard-earned money continues to grow. Hope postponed grieves the heart; but when a dream comes true, life is full and sweet. The one who hates good counsel will reap failure and ruin, but the one who reveres God’s instruction will be rewarded. Wise instruction is a spring yielding a satisfied life; those who follow it avoid the traps that lead to death. Good sense brings blessing, but the road of the treacherous is long and rough. A clever person acquires knowledge and then acts on it; but a fool advertises his folly for all to see. An untrustworthy messenger stirs up trouble, but a faithful emissary is curative balm.’ Proverbs 13:7-17 (VOICE)

Complicating Marriage

You may be complicating your marriage if you engage in one or more of the following items.

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17 New Years Resolutions For 2017

New Year means a new start. A fresh set of dates on the calendar reminds us of the goals we want to set in our health, careers, finances, etc. One of the most important areas to set New Years Resolutions in is in the area of our marriage.

One of the interesting things about relationship goals if that making the smallest changes in our interaction with our spouse can make a huge difference long-term in our happiness, well-being, health and finances.

“We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.” Proverbs 16:9

Here are seventeen tips for a better marriage in 2017!

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Have Good Sex For Life Together Forever

Making love is good for your marriage! But problems in the marriage bed are a common issue with couples doing life together forever. Your marriage is worth the effort of prioritizing physical connection with your spouse.

Sex Is Good

  1. God wants you to have good sex. The Bible is clear that God wants you to have sex for procreation, for recreational fun, in marriage only, and with your spouse even when you do not necessarily feel like it.
  2. Passion Keeps You Together. Your sexual attraction toward your spouse helps you stay together and strengthens other parts of your marriage. Passion is a key indicator, along with emotional connection and commitment, of the health of your marriage.
  3. Sex Keeps You Healthy. Regular sexual activity improves your immune system, increases your cardiovascular and pulmonary systems, improves mood and emotional health, and strengthens your cognitive abilities.

Common Sexual Problems

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Wishing You A Very Merry Christmas

Luke 2:1-20  

1 Around the time of Elizabeth’s amazing pregnancy and John’s birth, the emperor in Rome, Caesar Augustus, required everyone in the Roman Empire to participate in a massive census— 2 the first census since Quirinius had become governor of Syria. 3 Each person had to go to his or her ancestral city to be counted.

This political background isn’t incidental: it is crucial to the story. Conquering nations in the ancient world work in various ways. Some brutally destroy and plunder the nations they conquer. Some conquer people as slaves or servants. Other empires allow the people to remain in their land and work as before, but with one major change: the conquered people have to pay taxes to their rulers. The purpose of a census like the one Luke de-scribes is to be sure that everyone is appropriately taxed and knows who is in charge.

4-5 Mary’s fiancé Joseph, from Nazareth in Galilee, had to participate in the census in the same way everyone else did. Because he was a descendant of King David, his ancestral city was Bethlehem, David’s birthplace. Mary, who was now late in her pregnancy that the messenger Gabriel had predicted, 6 accompanied Joseph. While in Bethlehem, she went into labor 7 and gave birth to her firstborn son. She wrapped the baby in a blanket and laid Him in a feeding trough because the inn had no room for them.

8 Nearby, in the fields outside of Bethlehem, a group of shepherds were guarding their flocks from predators in the darkness of night. 9 Suddenly a messenger of the Lord stood in front of them, and the darkness was replaced by a glorious light—the shining light of God’s glory. They were terrified!

Messenger: 10 Don’t be afraid! Listen! I bring good news, news of great joy, news that will affect all people everywhere. 11 Today, in the city of David, a Liberator has been born for you! He is the promised Anointed One, the Supreme Authority! 12 You will know you have found Him when you see a baby, wrapped in a blanket, lying in a feeding trough.

13 At that moment, the first heavenly messenger was joined by thousands of other messengers—a vast heavenly choir. They praised God.

14 Heavenly Choir: To the highest heights of the universe, glory to God!
    And on earth, peace among all people who bring pleasure to God!

15 As soon as the heavenly messengers disappeared into heaven, the shepherds were buzzing with conversation.

Shepherds: Let’s rush down to Bethlehem right now! Let’s see what’s happening! Let’s experience what the Lord has told us about!

16 So they ran into town, and eventually they found Mary and Joseph and the baby lying in the feeding trough. After they saw the baby, 17 they spread the story of what they had experienced and what had been said to them about this child. 18 Everyone who heard their story couldn’t stop thinking about its meaning. 19 Mary, too, pondered all of these events, treasuring each memory in her heart.

20 The shepherds returned to their flocks, praising God for all they had seen and heard, and they glorified God for the way the experience had unfolded just as the heavenly messenger had predicted.

(VOICE)

The Voice Bible Copyright © 2012 Thomas Nelson, Inc. The Voice™ translation © 2012 Ecclesia Bible Society All rights reserved.

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The Christmas Survival Plan For Couples

Christmas can be one of the most stressful times of the year for couples. Between deciding which family to spend Christmas with, how much to spend on gifts, who is doing what part of the cooking, and busy work schedules, your marriage relationship can begin to suffer.

Couples end up spending less time together. When they are together, they are focused on making decisions or engaged in Christmas activities. Many times a harmful and destructive negative pattern of interacting begins to develop. Before long spouses are considering if they really love each other any more.

Christmas Survival Plan

We recommend each spouse develops a Christmas Survival Plan before the holidays. Making decisions before the holidays about how you will handle yourself during the holidays will help you make it through the holidays with less stress.   Here are some of our suggestions

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Loving Well To The Very End

When we took our vows, we promised to love each other in sickness and health, for richer or for poorer, forsaking all others, until death do we part. We have shared in sermons and in our Life Together Forever seminars that it is our heart’s desire to be with each other to the very end.

To wake up one morning and have a discussion about whether or not Roy has the right upper dentures.

To chase each other around the room with our walkers.

We want to be there for each other for the very end.

This past year we have seen the marriages of people we love end well. Devra’s parents marriage showed us to how to love to the very end when her father passed this summer.

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Your Spouse Deserves Your Full Body Attention

Lisa was about to explode. Her husband of 8 years came home early from work, plopped down on the couch and asked, “what’s for supper?” After a full day of caregiving for her 18 month old and kindergartner, she was tired and stressed. And his first communication with her was one that really pushed her buttons.

As an intelligent leader who had held her own in a corporate job before focusing on raising children, she knew she would have a better chance of telling him how she feels if she kept her emotions in check. So she asked him if they could talk and began telling him about her stressful day of caregiving. In the middle of her report she realized that his eyes were moving from the television to his phone and back to the television. He was facing the television and rarely turned his head toward her face. And she felt like she was not being heard.

What Lisa wanted more than anything else in that moment was to experience what we call “full body attention”.   She wanted him to show her in every way possible that she had his undivided attention. She wanted to know that there was nothing in the world more important or of a higher priority to him than what she had to say.

Full Body Attention

Full body attention is how we tell our spouse they are the most important and highest priority in our world in that moment.

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Five Ways To Move Toward Your Spouse

We had a great time as the guests on a conference call with marriage ministers and marriage counselors from all across the globe. One pastor asked the question, “What are the few things I can tell couples that will get their stale marriages moving in the right direction?”

We believe that every can take action now, immediately, to make their marriage better, stronger, and closer. Here is how we answered the question and what we recommend every couple do to move toward each other and the marriage they deeply desire.

Ways To Move Toward Your Spouse