Kurt was frustrated during the first follow up meeting about two weeks after the Marriage Intensive. “I’ve changed but she doesn’t see it.”
Kurt had settled into a pattern over the six years of marriage that told Maria that she was not very important. He focused on work, leaving the house early without saying goodbye, not texting or calling her during the day and becoming frustrated when she reached out to him, coming home late and expressing his disgust if she asked him to help with chores or the kids, complaining if the house was not picked up or if his laundry was not done, and expressing his displeasure with their sex life.
During the Marriage Intensive, his eyes were opened to all that he was doing that was contributing to them feeling like they had a loveless marriage. He made commitments to connect with her more frequently, communicate his appreciation for her and all she does, touch her in non-sexual ways more frequently, help out with the chores, and spend time connecting with her other than sexually.
In the follow up meeting, they both reported that he was doing all that he committed to do. When he said that he did not feel like she was treating him any differently, she said, “I don’t know if you are doing this because you knew we were going to have another session or if you are doing this because you have really changed.”
The Change Cycle
It is a common complaint we have heard over the years in our work with couples. It is because there is a cycle to the change process that, once you understand, will allow you to give it time to work.
